Some of you may know from past posts, and others not that I am a fan of wrestling and have been since like 1978. Before we go any further this isn’t a post of wrestling or a debate of whether its real or not, it’s more just the basic idea of what wrestling is based on…..Emotion.
The basic premise of wrestling is good guys versus bad guys and reaction’s to their actions. If its a boo or a cheer, an applause or throwing popcorn, it’s all based on reaction.
When I am depressed I have no reaction. It’s my thoughts of ‘This is just another event that solidifies my feelings’. I guess in a sense that may be a subconscious reaction. My physical reaction to depression is isolation. I just want to be left alone.
I forced myself to go to a meeting Thursday and didn’t talk. That in itself is a good thing for most people in a meeting as I tend to ramble about nothing, but when I don’t talk a strange thing happens…..I listen.
I heard some things, not about depression, but about gratitude, perception, thankfulness, and how it’s egotistical of me to thing I am actually in control of this. All of these things are really relative to how Higher-Power Centered I am. That being said why does a HP allow me to be depressed?
I don’t believe a HP allows this to happen. I believe this depression, this state of mind is factored by something medical and in something psychological. I’m not a doctor, I am just stating this from my own experience. I don’t take medication, I never have, and I know it will pass it just takes time.
It feels like a lot of things are just stacking up against me. I feel like the positive things aren’t positive enough. I feel irrelevant and that no matter how much effort I put into anything it won’t matter. This is in all areas work, home, recovery. Everything. That’s why this sucks so bad.
I know it will end at some point. Maybe today or tomorrow. It might be next week, who knows. I will continue to move along as I have been. Something will change, it always does.