Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for September, 2009

11


I am sitting in a car somewhere between Florida and Ohio. We have stopped at a hotel/motel. It’s a Holiday Inn I think. Instead of going inside to get a room my Dad looks at me and says cover up with this blanket and try to get some sleep. I’ll keep an eye on things, nothing will happen to us, I promise. If someone does try and Fuck with us, I have this. He opens the glovebox and shows me a pistol. I pull the blanket over my head and I am scared to death…….

I was 11 or 12. My son’s age today. I look at what we have been able to provide and what we are currently going through and I wonder what my daughter would think of a story like that? What do most people think about stories like that? Some crazy guy and his poor son?
I’m not going to tell her, it doesn’t do anyone any good at all to belittle her grandfather in that way. He was sick, just as sick as I was or am.

This memory just came to me out of nowhere. I hadn’t thought about it in forever. It seems more memories are coming back to me. Some good, some not so good. There seem to be a ton of them. Some I don’t want to remember.

I went to get a haircut today and one of the ladies in the salon was talking about her daughter getting her “walking papers”. She is 24 and still living at home creating havoc for her and her family. I just listened. Sometimes I want to think our problems are unique. That I have somehow ‘deserved’ this. This is just my mind telling me things based on confusion, guilt, and self-pity. Our problems are not unique. The big deal about them, it seems like I have been writing forever about it, is that it is non-stop. I can’t remember a time when we have had peace longer than 3 days.

My son continues to be my rock. I looked at him this morning and told myself in a whisper that he doesn’t deserve to be put in the middle of this nonsense. He asked at one point in time if my daughter could leave. Just go ‘somewhere else’. It’s difficult, I can’t see us with or without her, in spite of all the bullshit.

I feel like my life has been put on hold. Is that self-centered? It’s not that I have anything important to do. I guess it’s more like I’m tired of planning for the worst and hoping it’s a degree above that.

My wife looks tired. So do I, I thought this was the time we should be enjoying our kids more? Being excited for them and the possibilities. This week is ‘Homecoming’ week at High School. Instead of being pumped up about her being able to go to the bonfire, I have to wonder if she is going to be kicked off the tennis team.

Her coach said something to my wife today. He said that he ‘gave up’ on one of my daughter’s friends this year who was on the tennis team. He stopped showing interest because of the crowd she was hanging around, her not being able to maintain grades, and her lack of commitment. I don’t want anyone to ‘give up’ on my kid. I also know that my daughter has to put forth the effort, I can’t do it for her.

I spoke to one of the guys I sponsor tonight. He has gotten involved with someone. I am leery of this, and have written about it before. The emotional stability for relationships, on any level, is in jeopardy early in recovery. I am concerned and voiced those concerns to him.

I think I am going to take a break from writing about my daughter and get back to some recovery themed writing out of ideas from the NA Text. I need to do something. Writing has helped and hurt in the same token because I look at my posts and they are all negative for the most part. I have to move forward out of this funk.

Take Care…..Bob D.

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First Thing


The grey clouds and cooler weather have creeped into Ohio. Fall is my favorite time of year and it is also a bit depressing. I love the events we have here; fall festivals, pumpkin patches, and so on. But I hate the fact that soon it will be dark when I get up and dark when I go home. Last winter, towards the end, became almost unbearable. The seasons here over the past few years have seemed like the have been off by like a month. This year they seem to be on track with what I remember as a younger man.

I am reminded that, “How we got the disease is of no immediate importance”. Does it ever become important? I don’t believe so. I look now at ‘flashes’ of things that are revealed to me when I’m ready to remember them from when I was younger. I am certain that I was a lonely, introverted child who was starved for attention. Did that make me an addict? I came from a dysfunctional family. Did that make me an addict? I have a million things I could point to and say…I’m sure that contributed something along the way. I could do that or I could say this:

This is the way God had me come into the world.

That’s a pretty bold statement. I don’t believe God intended for me to be an addict by any stretch of the imagination. I guess it’s more to say that this is the way I was wired, my thinking, my feelings, my insecurities, my inadequacies. Thats’ why I used to begin with. All of those things melted away when I used and it felt as if I could handle life.  My inability to deal with life as it is occuring. Kind of like what is going on right now.

Another call from the school first thing this morning to let me know that my daughter skipped an after school activity and has been seen crossing the street to hang out at the park to smoke before school. All of her teachers know, the vice principal knows, and this is what I will deal with tonight. I have to sit with this the whole day and I have no answers to an already difficult situation.

I guess this is the time I ask for knowledge of God’s Will for me and the power to carry it out.

Take Care.

 

Uneventful


The weekend was quite…..It was hard to imagine.

My son was at a campout and my daughter for some reason was playing the low-key card. Didn’t ask to go anywhere or do anything. I knwo that this week is going to be busy because Friday is the homecoming game and Saturday is the homecoming dance.

The weekend seemed to drag by, almost as if I was in a stupor or something. I should have slept in and didn’t. I should have done a lot of things and didn’t. It did feel kind of nice to just lay around. I did go to a meeting on Saturday night versus Sunday night. Odd the timing of things. I got to hear a really good speaker whom I admire and a guy asked me to sponsor him.

I wish I had a bigger update than that but I don’t. I need to get back in gear on a lot of different levels. I feel tired right now, just lately in general I guess. But with all that has gone on over the last 2 months I guess I have the right to be tired. The mornings don’t start any later, only earlier.

I did watch the new ABC series Flash Forward. I had it DVR’d. It was decent.

I hope you enjoy your day.

Bob Evans is the new Donald Trump


We went to our son’s new school for open house. It was very impressive. The school he would have attended this year has been on academic suspension the last 3 years which made him eligible for the school lottery in which we could pick the school he could attend. The teachers were all pleasant and the school had an aire of confidence to it.

I spoke to my sponsor last night for about 20 minutes about several topics. All I can say is Thank God for sponsorship in this program…..It has been a life saver over the course of the past few months.

After the open house we went out to eat at Bob Evans. It had been recently remodeled…All of it…including the menu.

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For four of us to eat it was $48.81 and I about fell out of the booth when the bill came. What happened to “Family Affordability” especially from a chain that is allegedly from “Down on the Farm”?

My daughter started to act up in the restaurant. She wanted to know why she couldn’t get on the computer. I told her the carpets were still damp (we had them cleaned yesterday) and I didn’t want to move the furniture back. She said well I’ll just get on the phone. Her mother had taken away her phone privileges last night because she wouldn’t get out of bed for school. So I tell her that’s out she drops this above all aggravating line…..

We’ll See.

I told her there was nothing to see about, the answer was no.

We’ll See….she says again.

I could feel my blood pressure rising. I hate that little dig she is using….We’ll See. Like she is challenging me that when we get home she is just going to pick up the phone and use it then tell me something like…..I Told You So.
It’s so petty and childish. I told her just get out of bed and we don’t even have to have this conversation…..I get the eye roll and stare down out of defiance.
So with check in hand from Donald Trump…..I mean Bob Evans…..I said

Time to Go.

We get home and the kids both took showers and went to bed. No fights, no challenges, no more smart ass comments. I watched part of a show and went to bed.

I’ve been too angry lately. It’s starting to show in my day-to-day living. My support here and abroad remind me to breathe. I have to remind myself at times. I haven’t been feeling well and I know the events that have been occurring are taking a toll on my health. I haven’t been attentive, compassionate, or very loving. I try and reset my thinking but to be honest I am just caught up in it all. I have no idea when or if this will end soon. I have no idea of the outcomes of it all. What I wish for is a “Freaky Friday” event.

I wonder what my daughter would think of life if she could walk in my shoes for a day and mine in her’s.

Too bad it only happens in the movies.
Have a great weekend.
Bob D.

 

Dreaming about John Mellencamp


 

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I still see old Farmer Brown
Staring me down
As I rode past his place
On a school bus one day

I still hear John Mellencamp
Sing of rain and blood
Foreclosure signs litter the landscape
A new day version of the Great Flood

Last night I dreamed
John Mellencamp sat next to me
At some event for the poor
People chanting…. Stop the War

I awoke this morning an pondered
How surreal this dream was
I surely am losing my mind
Or finding a way to cope

Life has me guessing and crying
I suppose just like Farmer Brown
The only difference it seems
I don’t have a scarecrow and there’s no blood on the plow

 

I got a call from the school yesterday, and the day unravelled from there. My daughter was caught cutting class on multiple days. Trying to change her schedule at school to maximize the amount of time she has to goof off and got caught at it. The consensus is that for some reason my daughter has it worked into her head that adults don’t talk to one another, that we are mindless robots just wandering aimlessly. I was on the phone with the school for an hour. My wife is upset for some reason because the school is calling me and she isn’t sure why. I don’t know why. Maybe my number is on some form. It’s not like I went to the school and said contact me exclusively or anything but that is the impression she is under it seems.

There were consequences as there always is for these things. Detention after school one day next week. The old saying of when it rains, it pours is the only thing that keeps coming to mind here. It’s like Groundhog’s Day….always something about my daughter….Always something each day. We had a lengthy talk with her again last night about actions, reactions, and consequences.

I have had a headache for 3 days. My neck hurts, and it is hard to concentrate on all the things I need to. I went to a meeting last night and was there in person but not in spirit. It was a speaker meeting, and I almost walked out before it got going. I just wasn’t in the mood to hear someone’s story. I picked out differences instead of similarities. The problem is this is a person whom I believe respects me and made constant eye contact while they shared. I felt guilty and tried to listen. I thanked them after the meeting and went home.

I went to bed last night and had the strangest dream. John Mellencamp was sitting beside me at some event, thus the poem (if you like to call it that) at the opening. It was wierd. I guess this is what happens when the mind is overloaded.

I tried to find a positive last night before going to sleep. I tried to find one today when I got up. They are few and far between right now. I know all of this is happening for some purpose, I’m just not allowed to see it right now. I wish God would give me a glimpse….I could use it.

Take Care…..Bob D.

 

 

 

 

Full of Empty


As I stood in the parking lot I looked up to the sky and asked God if I made the right decision……..He didn’t reply.

I called the police yesterday afternoon on my daughter. As a parent this is the most difficult phone call I have ever made or want to make. Another fit of anger, rage, attitude….whatever you would like to call it brought us to this point. I had told my wife that if another episode had occurred this would be the course of action. That perhaps my daughter would see the severity of her actions. I told her 2 times before I made the call, that if she couldn’t get her composure that I would call. She looked at both of us in defiance and said….

Call them.
I did.

The 2 officers were polar opposites. One seemed understanding and compassionate. The other seemed less impressed that we were at this crossroad.

What did you say that set her off?
That she had to go to work with her mother.
Is she on drugs?
No.
What school does she go to?
****** High.
What side of town do you live on?
Westside.
Uhhhmmm. Seems like an attitude thing to me….BiPolar my ass.

He tells her to get out of the car.

What kind of problem are you having that you can’t listen?
I dunno.
Bullshit. Listen up. I’m out here putting my life on the line and have to come clean up after some 15 year old’s bullshit because you don’t want to do want mom and dad want? If you want…I’ll take your little ass downtown and you can sit in a 4×4 cell for a few days and tell all the homies down there how bad you got it princess. Is that what you would like to do today?

She starts to cry and look away. He tells her to get her ass back in the car.
The officer tells me there is no more “Scared Straight” program due to budget cutbacks. He tells me being BiPolar isn’t her problem, it’s all attitude. The other officer is looking at me because I am on sensory overload. I’m not upset with the way he talked to her, I’m upset because I can’t process all of this. My head hurts, my chest hurts, it’s hot and I am lost.

The police leave, and I try and tell my daughter that I love her. She turns and walks away. She later tells her mother that the police talked to her like she was trash. She felt offended. Her mother told her, “How do you think I feel when you call me a Fucking Bitch”?

I am back at square one. I called my sponsor on the way home from work and cried. I told him what I told you….I’m Lost. I am full of empty. I have nothing right now. I am numb. I am not going to use, this is not an option. It will not change anything. I don’t know what to think, what to feel, what to do. The only thing that came to mind was a line out of our text from Chapter 7-Recovery and Relapse….

“At other times that freedom can only be achieved by a grim and obstinate willfulness to hang on to abstinence come hell or high water until a crisis passes”. Page 74

Come Hell or High Water…..It hasn’t rained that much…..

So bring Hell.

Don’t You Love Me Enough to Stop?


My Mom almost loved me almost to death……
So did my Wife…..
My Kids……
My Employer……

I remember back a number of years ago sitting at home and my mom handing me a bag of dope….

This is from your Uncle…I didn’t want to give it to you…but…….

But she did anyway.

I was speaking to a couple of folks outside of a meeting about feelings, relationships, friends with benefits, and so on. Kinda like an extension of the last post I put up. I told them that the people in our lives really only want to see us get better…They just don’t know how it’s possible or how to go about it.

In this day and age of media overload, television shows, WebMD, and various outlets one would think that there is enough information for those who have a drug or alcohol problem to have the resources to get help.
There is only one problem with that.

Family members are loving people to death by enabling them.
Denial isn’t just for the addict.

God knows my family did it with me. I wonder what might have happened if they had taken a stand earlier? It doesn’t matter at this point. I’m not trying to get clean…I am clean. I am not saying that family members can keep people clean either, I want to make this point perfectly clear:

An Addict will not stop using…Until they are ready to stop.

So family members are left to love folks at a distance. Boundaries are needed. Conditions and rules set.
It is difficult to watch a loved one waste away to addiction, it is another to continue to help them. Be prepared to deal with the storm before the calm.

Faced with the toughest question of all:
Don’t you love me enough to stop?
The answer was no. I had no idea of what love was or wasn’t anymore.
The obsession, the compulsion, the denial, the guilt, was all too much.
The emotional, spiritual, and mental bankruptcy of a human being, a family, a community, a society.

There is hope. I don’t know what makes one person stop and another to continue. I stopped trying to figure that out. What I do know is this….

If you or a loved one has a problem, help is available.

www.na.org

Take Care.