I am sitting in a car somewhere between Florida and Ohio. We have stopped at a hotel/motel. It’s a Holiday Inn I think. Instead of going inside to get a room my Dad looks at me and says cover up with this blanket and try to get some sleep. I’ll keep an eye on things, nothing will happen to us, I promise. If someone does try and Fuck with us, I have this. He opens the glovebox and shows me a pistol. I pull the blanket over my head and I am scared to death…….
I was 11 or 12. My son’s age today. I look at what we have been able to provide and what we are currently going through and I wonder what my daughter would think of a story like that? What do most people think about stories like that? Some crazy guy and his poor son?
I’m not going to tell her, it doesn’t do anyone any good at all to belittle her grandfather in that way. He was sick, just as sick as I was or am.
This memory just came to me out of nowhere. I hadn’t thought about it in forever. It seems more memories are coming back to me. Some good, some not so good. There seem to be a ton of them. Some I don’t want to remember.
I went to get a haircut today and one of the ladies in the salon was talking about her daughter getting her “walking papers”. She is 24 and still living at home creating havoc for her and her family. I just listened. Sometimes I want to think our problems are unique. That I have somehow ‘deserved’ this. This is just my mind telling me things based on confusion, guilt, and self-pity. Our problems are not unique. The big deal about them, it seems like I have been writing forever about it, is that it is non-stop. I can’t remember a time when we have had peace longer than 3 days.
My son continues to be my rock. I looked at him this morning and told myself in a whisper that he doesn’t deserve to be put in the middle of this nonsense. He asked at one point in time if my daughter could leave. Just go ‘somewhere else’. It’s difficult, I can’t see us with or without her, in spite of all the bullshit.
I feel like my life has been put on hold. Is that self-centered? It’s not that I have anything important to do. I guess it’s more like I’m tired of planning for the worst and hoping it’s a degree above that.
My wife looks tired. So do I, I thought this was the time we should be enjoying our kids more? Being excited for them and the possibilities. This week is ‘Homecoming’ week at High School. Instead of being pumped up about her being able to go to the bonfire, I have to wonder if she is going to be kicked off the tennis team.
Her coach said something to my wife today. He said that he ‘gave up’ on one of my daughter’s friends this year who was on the tennis team. He stopped showing interest because of the crowd she was hanging around, her not being able to maintain grades, and her lack of commitment. I don’t want anyone to ‘give up’ on my kid. I also know that my daughter has to put forth the effort, I can’t do it for her.
I spoke to one of the guys I sponsor tonight. He has gotten involved with someone. I am leery of this, and have written about it before. The emotional stability for relationships, on any level, is in jeopardy early in recovery. I am concerned and voiced those concerns to him.
I think I am going to take a break from writing about my daughter and get back to some recovery themed writing out of ideas from the NA Text. I need to do something. Writing has helped and hurt in the same token because I look at my posts and they are all negative for the most part. I have to move forward out of this funk.
Take Care…..Bob D.