In reviewing the first step we start to take a small glimpse at personal baggage well before we get to Step 4. In the NA Step Working Guide we are asked questions like: Do we blame others for our addiction? In the NA Text I am reminded that I can no longer blame other people, places, or events for my addiction. This is the beginning of accepting responsibility for what I have done.
The Lifetime Channel is not going to aire my story. The reason for the title is I was reviewing the 1st Step with a guy I sponsor yesterday and it alluded to some of the emotional, physical, and spiritual baggage we carry of blaming others and coming to the realization of how much time we have lost out of our lives due to active addiction. I know this affected me heavily in early recovery. I used for over 25 years in one form or another and it was a startling realization for me that I had wasted over half of my life.
The fuel of using justification of being wronged by others is another area that was difficult. We all have a sad story to tell, if we choose to. I could tell you that I came from a broken, dysfunctional home. I could tell you stories of mental and physical abuse. Tales of drugs, alcohol, violence, and welfare fraud. I could tell you all of that, but that is not what made me an addict.
Did my social environment contribute to my addiction? Sure it did, it gave me all the excuses I could ever want to do what it is I did.
The bottom line quite simply is this. In the definition of Obsession, at the beginning of Chaper 8 “We Do Recover”, it talks about me trying to recapture the ease and comfort I once knew. When did I know that ease and comfort? The first time I got high and all of those insecurities, all of those esteem issues, all of those inabilities to deal with what was going on around me and inside of me melted away and it felt like I could handle life. The rest of it all, the next 25 years, was spent trying to recapture that initial feeling only to realize now I could never recapture it.
That realization of wasted years, resentments that were never really there to start with, coupled with trying to find a new way to live is just scratching the surface in Step 1. A Step we come back to time and time again, without ever realizing it.
Life right now is bearable. I’d like to report that things are better with my daughter and at home but it is a day to day thing. My son has a scouting event this weekend. The talk of the town here, of course, is OSU vs. USC. My prediction is …..PAIN.
OSU 17 USC 35
Michigan plays the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. I believe it will be more like playing Our Lady of Worthless Playcalling…..
Mich 21 ND 10
Go Blue…..Wear Maize!
Take Care…..Bob D.