I was angry with my son this morning over something dumb. I am left to deal with my raised voice and thoughts of guilt. I really feel overwhelmed by this and I’m not sure why. I could blame it on running late, his change in pick up time by the bus (which is now 6:30 am), watching my wife do meaningless things at 6:45 this morning. But in the end I am the one who has to live with the guilt of a conversation that could and should have went a different way. Once again I let anger ruin his morning and my morning.
I told him I loved him before he got out of the car. This was a big deal. I learned far to many lessons from not saying this to his sister and mother after discussions or arguments. I told him I hoped he had a good day at school. The ass kicker to all of this, in spite of my shouting at 6:25 am, about some dumb pair of shorts, my son took the time to reply to me….”I love you to Dad, I hope you have a good day at work. As I sit here and type with tears in my eyes I have realized he is a far bigger man than me today at age 11.
My world has been upside down the last 2 weeks. My whole schedule thrown off after the diagnosis of my daughter being bipolar. I have told myself I am alright and I’m not. I have tried to cutback meetings so I can stay home to make sure eruptions of behavior cycles don’t destroy our home only to have them myself. It’s like living in a circus. I have to sit down with a calendar and come up with a schedule. I have to. I have to evaluate my commitments and my home life and come up with a new balance because this isn’t working.
I know my wife see’s it. I know others see it, Hell I see it. I just haven’t done anything about it. I wanted to prove to myself, my wife, my kids that I could be there in the event of something major. I did it but at what expense? My recovery, my sanity?
I am reminded by the NA Text that anger is my reaction to my present reality. Things aren’t going the way I would like them to. So what am I supposed to do? Throw my hands up and say this is life? Am I not to exert some effort here to try and change some things? The wisdom to know the difference in things I can change and not change comes from experience of living life clean. I have some experience, and this part of life is just not working out. I hate the feeling of what happened this morning, I hate the guilt behind it all. I hate the fact that my kids won’t listen, they won’t listen not one bit. I hate the fact that they push buttons with temper tantrums when they don’t get their way or get loud and rude so that they will get there way. I am tired of a 15 year old telling me to “Shut Up” when we bend over backwards to provide.
I guess I’m getting angry again as I type. Resentments are reliving past events over and over again. But where is the line when the past is the present? It’s like a never ending circle jerk.
I need to talk to my sponsor.