I was angry with my son this morning over something dumb. I am left to deal with my raised voice and thoughts of guilt. I really feel overwhelmed by this and I’m not sure why. I could blame it on running late, his change in pick up time by the bus (which is now 6:30 am), watching my wife do meaningless things at 6:45 this morning. But in the end I am the one who has to live with the guilt of a conversation that could and should have went a different way. Once again I let anger ruin his morning and my morning.
I told him I loved him before he got out of the car. This was a big deal. I learned far to many lessons from not saying this to his sister and mother after discussions or arguments. I told him I hoped he had a good day at school. The ass kicker to all of this, in spite of my shouting at 6:25 am, about some dumb pair of shorts, my son took the time to reply to me….”I love you to Dad, I hope you have a good day at work. As I sit here and type with tears in my eyes I have realized he is a far bigger man than me today at age 11.
My world has been upside down the last 2 weeks. My whole schedule thrown off after the diagnosis of my daughter being bipolar. I have told myself I am alright and I’m not. I have tried to cutback meetings so I can stay home to make sure eruptions of behavior cycles don’t destroy our home only to have them myself. It’s like living in a circus. I have to sit down with a calendar and come up with a schedule. I have to. I have to evaluate my commitments and my home life and come up with a new balance because this isn’t working.
I know my wife see’s it. I know others see it, Hell I see it. I just haven’t done anything about it. I wanted to prove to myself, my wife, my kids that I could be there in the event of something major. I did it but at what expense? My recovery, my sanity?
I am reminded by the NA Text that anger is my reaction to my present reality. Things aren’t going the way I would like them to. So what am I supposed to do? Throw my hands up and say this is life? Am I not to exert some effort here to try and change some things? The wisdom to know the difference in things I can change and not change comes from experience of living life clean. I have some experience, and this part of life is just not working out. I hate the feeling of what happened this morning, I hate the guilt behind it all. I hate the fact that my kids won’t listen, they won’t listen not one bit. I hate the fact that they push buttons with temper tantrums when they don’t get their way or get loud and rude so that they will get there way. I am tired of a 15 year old telling me to “Shut Up” when we bend over backwards to provide.
I guess I’m getting angry again as I type. Resentments are reliving past events over and over again. But where is the line when the past is the present? It’s like a never ending circle jerk.
I need to talk to my sponsor.
Peace.
Beyond The End of the Road's Blog 
Comments on: "When Anger is the Drug" (2)
Anger is a powerful emotion as we well know.
My counselor helped me realize my anger was fed by the way I “think” about “how it should be” and because of the importance I would give it.
I came to think of it like this:
The fuse to my anger was always at hand, all it needed was my thought about a situation to “ignite it”.
When our children challenge us, it is easy to ignite the fuse of anger, when we explode we hurt everyone around us including ourselves.
Our guilt happens when we realize it (our anger) wasn’t worth it and it may cause more damage to our relationships.
I learned I have to take responsibility for my anger, it is mine, created by my thoughts, and those around me can easily light the fuse.
It can be an uphill battle raising teenagers even at the best of times!
If we can keep them in line without alienating them, than we will not lose their trust. With that, we can also maintain a closeness, that can only come with mutual respect for one another.
I hope I have helped in some way,
I know how difficult it can get- makes you want to pull your hair out at times!
Take it easy, Stay Strong!
~S
Thanks so much for your words, yes they do help.
Have a great day.