Just Another Recovering Person

Friends with Benefits??

So she walks into the meeting last night after we had started and I look at 2 of our younger members and they are snickering between themselves. I’ve seen this before, and they weren’t laughing at her appearance, she was rather attractive. They are laughing between themselves over some visual conquest.

I would find out after the meeting that she has a “crush” on one of them. He says the feelings aren’t reciprocal. I just said to both of them that anytime there is attraction there are feelings. The one younger guy asked me what I meant. I asked both of them……

What is it that you have to offer right now that you haven’t brought into other relationships, other than the fact that you are clean?

Both of them just looked at me.
That’s what I thought.

Anytime that we begin a relationship. Their are feelings involved. The anti is upped the deeper the relationship. A lot of times I hear this “Friends with Benefits” deal being talked about. I say that is a bunch of bullshit. I guess I can only speak for myself, but anytime I was naked with someone else, they were always feelings involved.
Becaue of our diseased thinking after the deed is done we are all left with something. Some feelings to deal with, our inability to deal with feelings is what brought us to this point so how is it that this is supposed to help? I’m not saying people shouldn’t be having sex or be involved, what I’m saying is there is a time and place for everything and I don’t think at 45 days clean it’s the time or place.
Most of us deal with self-esteem issues right from the start. It has been my experience that 2 people with less than a year clean that hook up usually relapse. It’s not to say that sucessful relationships don’t happen because they do, it’s the emotional stability that we are lacking in early recovery that sets up the relapse process. This process seems to be speeded up by the involvment of early relationships.

It’s always easy for the person who is already involved to tell someone who is not that it isn’t a good idea. All I can do is relay what I have watched and my perspective on the matter.

Both of the guys seemed to understand what I was saying. I also spoke to a newer guy last night. About early stuff. You know not sitting on my couch with the thoughts of using and doing nothing.
We talked about the 2nd and 9th Steps last night. It was good conversation. I was glad I was able to go.

A couple of the guys I sponsor have fallen back out of touch, which always concerns me. I can’t keep them clean, I can only help them try to stay clean.

I got the day off from work due to the amount of work that I put into the company picnic on Friday. I don’t really have anything to do. I think I will go to the afternoon meeting and go from there.
I hope you all enjoy your day.

Take Care….Bob D.

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Comments on: "Friends with Benefits??" (2)

  1. sofreelygiven said:

    I recently heard a new term for “friends with benefits”: “romantic friends”. This is perhaps more accurate, and at the same time an oxymoron. I’ve only recently experienced the phenomenon of AA relationships for myself, having been married to the same man for the first 7 years of my recovery. My first home group was relatively unaffected by these matters, as the majority of members were married with long-term sobriety. In the town where I live now I see some real sickness in this area: sexual and relationship predators, folks looking to make the new partner the higher power, bed hoppers who leave wrecked emotional sobriety in their paths… What concerns me most is the way that so many others have to make it public knowledge and new business, even a meeting topic. Bring me the message, not the mess. If you are part of it and it’s effecting your sobriety, talk to your sponsor. If your sponsor guides you to share it at meeting level, then share from the literature how it relates to the solution.

    I’m with you, Bob, on so many points you make here. A ‘crush’ is a feeling. Lust is a feeling. In early sobriety we have an inability to deal with feelings, with good reason. We have taken the ability out of our own hands by handicapping that ability with substances for however long we used them. Our next step is to strengthen those abilities by working the steps. I don’t develop emotional stability by jumping into a relationship while I’m emotionally unstable any more than a child learns to ride a bicycle by being pushed off on one without training wheels or a hand of guidance.

    All this having been said, I have a little bit of time under my belt and I didn’t do so well my first couple of go-arounds with romantic friendships in the program. The thing that’s going on in my life right now is pretty great but I had to learn some painful lessons and let God put my self will in its proper place before something healthy could occur. I take the same advice I give to my sponsees: we go about being the kind of person we would want to be with and that relationship will take place.

    Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. I see I’m in some excellent company. Your posts are thought provoking and an excellent perspective of the NA program. Nice to “meet” you. ~Rhonda~

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