The grey clouds and cooler weather have creeped into Ohio. Fall is my favorite time of year and it is also a bit depressing. I love the events we have here; fall festivals, pumpkin patches, and so on. But I hate the fact that soon it will be dark when I get up and dark when I go home. Last winter, towards the end, became almost unbearable. The seasons here over the past few years have seemed like the have been off by like a month. This year they seem to be on track with what I remember as a younger man.
I am reminded that, “How we got the disease is of no immediate importance”. Does it ever become important? I don’t believe so. I look now at ‘flashes’ of things that are revealed to me when I’m ready to remember them from when I was younger. I am certain that I was a lonely, introverted child who was starved for attention. Did that make me an addict? I came from a dysfunctional family. Did that make me an addict? I have a million things I could point to and say…I’m sure that contributed something along the way. I could do that or I could say this:
This is the way God had me come into the world.
That’s a pretty bold statement. I don’t believe God intended for me to be an addict by any stretch of the imagination. I guess it’s more to say that this is the way I was wired, my thinking, my feelings, my insecurities, my inadequacies. Thats’ why I used to begin with. All of those things melted away when I used and it felt as if I could handle life. My inability to deal with life as it is occuring. Kind of like what is going on right now.
Another call from the school first thing this morning to let me know that my daughter skipped an after school activity and has been seen crossing the street to hang out at the park to smoke before school. All of her teachers know, the vice principal knows, and this is what I will deal with tonight. I have to sit with this the whole day and I have no answers to an already difficult situation.
I guess this is the time I ask for knowledge of God’s Will for me and the power to carry it out.