Destiny is nothing more than an ill-fated illusion, prophesied by those who have forgotten how to dream.
At some point our future’s are changed. I believe that today. I believe it comes from the priviledge to think and our decisions based upon the values and principles that we need to relearn. I don’t believe in destiny, coincidence, or luck. I have seen far to many things in my life both in active addiction and recovery to lead me to believe that all of the evidence to the contrary, isn’t so contrary afterall.
I sat in a seminar yesterday about poverty. Both situational and generational poverty. Some of you may know from my writings that I came from both, oddly enough. Something that the keynote speaker said yesterday stuck with me. That those around us, especially when we are younger and don’t necessarily have a voice or vote in the matter, are using the ‘hidden’ class things that they were taught to them. I walked away discovering this….
My mother, father and step-father couldn’t stop bad things from happening based on what they were taught themselves.
That’s pretty deep. I am looking at it in my own life. My own ‘hidden’ truths about what I use that was taught or I learned as a child. It can be as something as simple as ordering a pizza. I would rather order from the most expensive place, because I deserve it and the pizza is ‘better’ because it is more expensive rather than buy from a smaller place that is cheaper and has less of a reputation.
I am certain it has permeated my existence to the point I don’t even know it. I mean I’m not going to sit and analyze myself into oblivion, I just thought the point was neat and it made sense.
The house was kind of chaotic last night. Not off the hook, just chaotic. There is a break coming up. My mom is going to watch both kids on Saturday night. I am going to take my wife out to dinner and do something. Our wedding anniversary is on Monday. It will be our 18th. Please don’t ask me how it’s done, because I really don’t know. Our relationship is totally new to me since getting clean. I do know this. Some folks talk about having ‘Guardian Angels or Fairy Godmothers’ looking over them, helping them through life. My wife has simply been that.
I have no clue as to why she wasn’t finished with me long ago.
I said once in a meeting that I believe she see’s something in me that I can’t see in myself. I believe she has always seen the man she married, she was just waiting and wanting him to come back.
I have not returned fully, nor will I probably ever, but I am damn close.
I dream about it everynight……
Take Care…..Bob D.
Sometimes when I smell wood burning, such as from a fireplace or campfire, it happens. My mind will paint a portrait of Southern Ohio in the late fall and early winter. I am 15 all over again. My stepfather and his crazy friends have waited too long to cut wood for the winter. There are more important things to do, like sit and drink and talk about how poor we are……
We are reduced to breaking furniture to burn by mid December….
I talked to my mom last night. She is now retired, along with my stepfather. I am proud and humbled by their determintations over time to change their lives. I remember my mom having a fight with my stepdad at some point telling him she wasn’t going to live like this anymore. She had already come from an abusive, broken alcoholic relationship and something had to change. Something did change, they both did.
My mother would go on to get her nursing license and my step dad would open his own home improvement business. They now live in a nice area and both are recently retired. A far cry from the circumstances of where we all came from. My mom’s chief complaint yesterday was dealing with the tedium of retirement. They have taken a couple of trips and now go about their day through the aisles of Wallmart looking for bargains.
My mom sounded old on the phone, and I realize the years are catching up with them both. My mom has been one of my biggest enablers and one of my biggest supporters. I don’t blame my mom for anything, I am past that. I don’t understand all the choices either of my parents made throughout the years but I have learned to accept them to a degree. If I sat here and told you I had total acceptance, I would be lying. Acceptance, surrender, serenity…. all have varying degrees based on my perceptions, my moods, and my thinking.
I hope you all enjoy your day.
I was upstairs last night flipping through channels and came across MTV’s series: Gone Too Far with DJ AM. To be honest the only 2 things I knew about the guy I heard on the news. The plane wreck with some other musician and that he had been found dead from on ‘accidental’ overdose. That phrase always confuses me. I don’t know of many who intentionally overdose, if they did wouldn’t that be considered suicide?
Anyway the show is based on the format of A&E’s ‘Intervention’ series which I can’t stand. I watched a grand total of 10 minutes of this show and turned it off. It’s just too damn painful to watch to this day. I really don’t need to sit and watch using addicts, well, use. It makes no sense. I am more concerned about the recovery. I understand the premise of showing the insanity, but to what degree?
Too often drug use is glamorized, commercialized, and even turned into comedy courtesy of Harold and Kumar. To sit and watch someone sit on the toilet and spike one more before going to rehab shows the depths of addiction. The depths of insanity.
I guess that’s what makes it intolerably to me today, is that I have been restored to some level of sanity and it makes me uncomfortable. I was not a heroin user and it made me edgy.
I am more concerned today about my recovery. I haven’t forgotten where I came from, I simply just don’t relive it everyday if you get my meaning.
What I should do is get a big balloon, put my son in the attic, and then call the FAA, CIA, FBI, FOX News, Nancy Grace, and Larry King….ohh and 911 and see if I can get a little me time nationwide. What an idiot. If I needed attention that bad it would be just as easy to streak down High Street during midday lunch hour….I’m sure I would get all the attention I needed and it wouldn’t be from women gawking at my God given parts, it would be from the police as I lay face down and ass up for the whole world to see. Well that’s kind of where Richard Henne is right now, he has made an ass out of himself for the whole world to see. Too bad he had to put his kids on either side of his butt cheeks.
Last night thoughts came over me about writing a book again. I by no stretch of the imagination consider myself a gifted writer. There are several people on my blogroll who have way more talent than I do, but the thoughts are still there. My fear is it would be lumped into the category of ‘Another Addict writing about how terrible they were and how great it is now’. The world doesn’t need another ‘Million Little Pieces’. I feel like I could write something more than that, not based on how bad or good I am but rather just the thoughts or experiences of everyday recovery. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid.
Your thoughts are appreciated.
Take Care….Bob D.
It seems forever since I’ve written anything……
This past week has been the first week of serenity in 3 months. My daughter’s behavior has steadily been improving and my hope is we have turned some type of corner. She had a small hiccup this weekend when we let a friend stay over and I talked to her about her friend. For the first time she told me that she had to make some decisions about her friends, that she was tired of getting into trouble. Keep your thoughts with us please.
I had a situation occur on Sunday with a guy I have known in NA for over 3 years. I made a reference to him being “Like a bad penny, he keeps showing up”. He took that and turned it into Abraham Lincoln being on a penny so I must have intended it to have some hidden racial slur. At first I was angry, then I was hurt. I can’t believe that he would stretch and reach so far for something that wasn’t there at all to start with. I talked to my sponsor and another fellow who was present when I said it and they both said there most be something else wrong because what I said was taken to an area that doesn’t even make sense.
Today we get to celebrate 3 years and 10 months clean. I share it with you to let you know simply, If I can do it, truly anyone can.
My thoughts are with folks like Tea’, Mariah, Sandra, Eric, Jamie, Chris, Rick, Big John, and a host of others in my life that drift in and out of my thoughts. I hope you find the strength and encouragement you need today.
I will write more soon.
Take Care…..Bob D.
I went to my “Homegroup” last night. It had been a few weeks since being there the last time. The last time I was there I felt on the outside. I had been a trusted servant there for over 3 years. It was time to bring in new servants, it would have been done sooner but there was a lack of willingness on others that prevented this. I wasn’t happy with the way the meeting was being chaired, and was less than thrilled about some of the personalities. I walked away that night with a bad taste in my mouth.
I went last night and felt the same way. I felt like i was on the outside, even though, I was asked my experience on a matter and had a humbling moment of seeing a guy from the detox facility I spoke at through H&I on Sunday. He called me out by name at the start of the meeting as having heard me spoke and was glad I carried a message of hope to him…….
Suddenly my ego began to inflate. I would say some cool shit tonight for sure. I felt connected and had goose bumps. I would impart my Spiritual Sword and Shield of Wisdom onto these fucks and let them have it. I would tell them how I am doing everything right in my recovery and how they are falling short. The sharing began around the room to the far side…..If these newcomers would just pass….I could have more time to lay the smackdown on the chairperson, the secretary, and anyone else…..
The meeting gets to the guy chairing….he shares and looks at his phone and says it’s time to close the meeting….1 person away from my chair…..
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t they understand I am important……I have important things to say……..
I spoke to the guy that was in detox after the meeting and pointed out some other meetings in his area off the schedule and made my way out to the car.
That sense of being on the outside again swept over me…This isn’t my homegroup anymore I muttered….Even another member asked me if it was and I lied and told him…No….Not Anymore. I gave him the name of another group instead. I stood there and lied.
Sitting in the car I began to talk to myself….I know….But in talking out loud my selfishness and ego were revealed to me in something that flashed across my mind like lightning streaks across a Oklahoma sky……
God doesn’t want to hear your cool shit today Bob….
In fact he would rather have you listen.
You haven’t been doing much of that when you come here.
You expect people to treat you like your some kind of marvel.
Why don’t you follow your own suggestions you give to your guys and let other people be themselves?
Afterall….As long as someone is not using just for today….It can’t be all that bad can it?
You have enough of your own defects to turn over.
Stop worrying about this and that and concentrate on what is important…..
A guy I had been sponsoring called me yesterday after an absence in calls and meetings. I was glad to hear from him. I asked him what had been going on……
Same old…same old.
What does that mean?
I’ve been using again….4 Day run this time.
What do you want to do about it?
I don’t know….
That’s the problem ****** You don’t know if your ready to stop.
I was looking for some relief….
Did you find it?
The Text tells me on Page 78 (5th Ed)
” The eventual misery of using is not worth the temporary escape it might give us”.
Might give us….No gaurantee.
This line in the literature became real for me yesterday in talking to him. We talked about the first thing needing to be done…Not using. I told him that he needed to go to a meeting last night.
We then talked about sponsorship. I told him if he felt that he needed something different or something more that I wasn’t able to provide I was cool with that. He told me no, that he wanted me to continue to sponsor him. If you had asked me a few months ago I would have said I don’t think I can help anymore, and I’m not sure I still can, but I have to try.
I just got off the phone with this fellow and he received papers upon arrival at work for a drug test. He has worked there 11 years and has never been asked to drop. This would tell me someone has said something, or his behavior has dictated this. He is concerned as well as he should be. I told him he has to take the test one way or another and see what the employer says.
On a positive note my daughters demeanor, for now, is good. After the visit to the psychologist’s office on Monday things have been smooth. A little bump here and there but nothing like what it has been.
The second bit of good news is that the Tennis Team won the City Championship yesterday. She did not play, this is reserved for upper classmen, but my wife was informed by her coach that she had not lost a match all year.
My son for some reason wants to quit Boy Scouts the day before the biggest dinner event the Scouts hold here in Columbus. My wife and I are not happy about this and I am going to have the District Supervisor talk to him about this. He is so close, maybe 2 years, from achieving his Eagle Scout. This could be helpful in so many ways from college scholarships, to opening doors in private sectors that he just isn’t aware of. I really want him to stick with this.
I hope you enjoy your day.
We are sitting in the psychologist’s office and she says, “People who usually end up searching for happiness find just the opposite”. She is speaking in terms of my daughter and her choice of friends. I had promised I wouldn’t write anything more on my daughter until I had something positive to share about the situation, and I am sticking to that. I will let you know she is doing much better with the flu and again Thanks for the support and well wishes.
The search for happiness reminds me of something that is in the NA Text. It says in one part that we were, “more unhappy and less satisfied then when it all began”. It’s a paraphrase for sure, I would have to dig up the page number for you, but I am certain of the context.
I often look back and see when I not only searched for happiness, I struggled to find it. Most of the time I am certain it was staring me right in the face, I was just blinded by self. I asked myself…….
What makes you happy today?
Somedays it’s a variety of things. But what makes me happy today? Family, friends??? I’m still not sure, maybe it’s because I still feel like I’m searching for that happiness. I could come up with a lot of bullshit to tell you, but then I would be honest about it. It could just be this period in my life, or my perception. I’d like to think it’s the first one.
I wish I had more to write about but don’t. Things are ok. Yes, just ok.
Take Care….Bob D.