I went to my “Homegroup” last night. It had been a few weeks since being there the last time. The last time I was there I felt on the outside. I had been a trusted servant there for over 3 years. It was time to bring in new servants, it would have been done sooner but there was a lack of willingness on others that prevented this. I wasn’t happy with the way the meeting was being chaired, and was less than thrilled about some of the personalities. I walked away that night with a bad taste in my mouth.
I went last night and felt the same way. I felt like i was on the outside, even though, I was asked my experience on a matter and had a humbling moment of seeing a guy from the detox facility I spoke at through H&I on Sunday. He called me out by name at the start of the meeting as having heard me spoke and was glad I carried a message of hope to him…….
Suddenly my ego began to inflate. I would say some cool shit tonight for sure. I felt connected and had goose bumps. I would impart my Spiritual Sword and Shield of Wisdom onto these fucks and let them have it. I would tell them how I am doing everything right in my recovery and how they are falling short. The sharing began around the room to the far side…..If these newcomers would just pass….I could have more time to lay the smackdown on the chairperson, the secretary, and anyone else…..
The meeting gets to the guy chairing….he shares and looks at his phone and says it’s time to close the meeting….1 person away from my chair…..
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t they understand I am important……I have important things to say……..
I spoke to the guy that was in detox after the meeting and pointed out some other meetings in his area off the schedule and made my way out to the car.
That sense of being on the outside again swept over me…This isn’t my homegroup anymore I muttered….Even another member asked me if it was and I lied and told him…No….Not Anymore. I gave him the name of another group instead. I stood there and lied.
Sitting in the car I began to talk to myself….I know….But in talking out loud my selfishness and ego were revealed to me in something that flashed across my mind like lightning streaks across a Oklahoma sky……
God doesn’t want to hear your cool shit today Bob….
In fact he would rather have you listen.
You haven’t been doing much of that when you come here.
You expect people to treat you like your some kind of marvel.
Why don’t you follow your own suggestions you give to your guys and let other people be themselves?
Afterall….As long as someone is not using just for today….It can’t be all that bad can it?
You have enough of your own defects to turn over.
Stop worrying about this and that and concentrate on what is important…..