Our literature tells me that some of our earliest new relationships are with our sponsors…….
The running joke with mine is I am going to open a website dedicated to the useless knowledge and musings of mine called:
My Sponsor is a Tool. com
Of course, it is a fictitious website, I’m not sure what you would pull up if you entered it but it’s nothing I’ve done….
So I am at the Sunday night meeting last night and my sponsor is there and tells me he needs to talk to me after the meeting. No big deal, I’m thinking he wants me to cover for him on something or it pertains to ASC Business. We go through the meeting which went by relatively quickly and people file out and we begin to talk…..
Better yet he began to talk about me. He told me after this last round of stepwork, the story about the meeting on Wednesday night’s getting back to him, and my overall mood that he felt like I was adrift and wanted to know what was going on with me. At first I was defensive about my writing, about my actions. I soon realized I had no reason to be defensive. He has known me now for almost 4 years. He has a detailed track record of me in recovery.
I got honest with him about some things that had been bothering me. People in the rooms, my home life, resentments, guys I sponsor, and so on.
He sat and listened. We talked for almost 40 minutes and I walked away with the sense that the things I said out loud were or are the same things I’ve been feeling for 3 months now.
I feel like I’m not progressing. I’m not doing the basic suggestions. I am angry, I am hurt, and I am lonely. I feel like I have been putting a lot of things ahead of my recovery because that is what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought I had grown enough that I could use the knowledge I have acquired to skate by on. It’s not that I feel like using, it’s not that, it’s I don’t feel like I am growing as a recovering person. I don’t feel like I am growing spiritually. It’s no wonder either really, when I stop doing the things that have brought me this far the recovery process stops, and I am floundering and wondering why I’m not doing something more, or doing anything about it.
We talk about apathy and procrastination being 2 of our biggest enemies. I now know how apathy can sneak into my life. It sneaks in disguised as problems I have dealt with before but want to put a new name on because I think I have a spiritual awareness. Problems are problems, period.
I am grateful that my sponsor picked up on these things and was willing to take the time to point them out to me in a loving and caring way, so if that is being punked, I’ll take it any day.
When I got home i talked to my wife about it for a minute. She didn’t really understand nor do I expect her to. Everytime I have changed in the past before I got to recovery it was a scary event. Now change has brought forth good things, and I don’t think she see’s that I expect more out of myself now than ever. All the excuses are gone. I must continue to work or expect more of the same……Being Punk’d by my Sponsor.
Take Care……Bob D.