I am over that cold but I am still sick……
I’d like to be better. I’d like to think I am better than what I was yesterday, a month ago, or a year ago. The reality of the 12th Step is I am still sick. I was talking to my sponsor the other night and voiced some things. He said what he usually does, “I’m sure it will be revealed when the time is right”.
It always does, get revealed that is. I though perhaps I would have some epiphany about how well I am. About how I practice the principles in all my affairs, of how I have arrived at a better understanding.
I did arrive at an understanding…that I am still sick.
I want to be cured, I think. Cured of it all. The thoughts, the desires, the things that hamper my daily living. I am sure that some will say these are defects and shortcomings that need to be turned over. I think I have, but still hold on because of insecurities and inadequacies.
I am starting to believe that it will never fully go away no matter what I turn over..
Probably because I am human. Is this the trade-off in recovery? A constant struggle of self based on psychoanalysis versus the misery of using? Or is it I am just now capable of having the priveledge to really think about my life and the ability to deal with a conscience?