My post yesterday stemmed from the meeting on Wednesday and from a drive into work on Thursday. The meeting went well, the problem was me, the problem was her.
She was probably the one of the best looking women I have ever seen at a meeting. Did it taint the experience I was sharing? In a way yes, it was still honest, but it was drivel.
I have to face some facts here and if it’s for no one but myself that’s fine.
I am 41 years old and 15 pounds overweight. I have 2 kids and live in the lower middle class of the westside of Columbus. I have been married for 18 years…..
I am still baffled by women, sex, and intimacy…..
I am still afraid.
I am afraid that I am not enough nor will get enough sexually.
I am insecure, except in the fantasies of my mind…..
So I am driving into work Thursday morning and I see her out of the corner of my eye. A working girl, so to speak, stumbling at the corner. It’s cold. I know she’s cold. Maybe I should stop…..
Stop for what? 10 guilt ridden minutes of indulgence to change the way I feel about my insecurities? Where are my values? My Principles? Where is everything I have learned, struggled, and worked for the last 4 years?On the back burner, turning stone cold, like a saucepan of leftover gravy.
I am caught up in the grip of something greater than me and I blurt out….
No. I’m not doing this today. I’m going to work, I’m not stopping.
So I didn’t.
The combination of those 2 events, and the joking comment with another NA member about being sick stuck in my stomach like a brick. I sat here yesterday and typed out a blog that danced around the subject. I should have just been as honest with myself as I am right now. Maybe I could have saved myself some pain. I’m glad I didn’t because now I can see the awareness and growth.
I did what I not only was supposed to do, but what I wanted to do. I don’t like feeling guilty, so I didn’t do anything to cause extra guilt.
I want the freedom of peace of mind. I want to be able to look at people as just that, people, not objects. I want to be able to be confident in myself, and to feel capable of loving people for who they are, not how they look.
Maybe I am already on that path. God, I hope so, because I know where the other path already goes.
Take Care…..Bob D.