“Grace sometimes comes dressed as a beggar.”
I read this line on another blog this morning and it stood out so much I had to borrow it. Truth be known I just stole it. Let’s call it what it is, right?!?
I received and made a few calls yesterday. A couple of important ones I would like to share with you….
My phone rang and on the other end was my friend Elizabeth from Texas. I knew something was going on for her to call me out of the blue. I knew there had been ongoing issues with her husband’s ex-wife, who has had a major medical incident occur this week. We talked of her, the situation, and more importantly how Elizabeth felt and her perception as to what was going on.
I believe, this in part, is a large majority of my disease. Not having the ability to tell people how I feel, due to my lack of descriptive powers or I just don’t want to, and my perception of reality. Hell, I believe this to be for all addicted persons. Sometimes, when the time is right, I can speak to someone and get a reality check. I’m not talking about slamming someone for what they think or feel, but listening and picking out what is at the heart of the matter.
My mom told me I cared about people even when I was younger. Along the way I lost it, and am slowly finding it coming back to me. I am more realistic about it today, I believe, because of some of the things I have seen and some I’ve done. Some of it is family, some of it is friends, some of it is just life. Most of it is NA. NA teaching me the value of being a human being, and valuing others as human beings as well.
All that being said as I was arguing with my daughter this morning about things in the hall with my wife crying again I made my move by telling my daughter. If you love me as only your dad, that’s fine. If you don’t like me as a person, that’s ok. When you are 18, you can move and never call home again if you want, but I will still be me, and your mom will still be your mom..That’s just life.
She looked at me like I had lost my mind. Little has she realized I lost it years ago.
She’s still grounded tonight anyway…..
Back to Elizabeth..
We talked about life, and how little I understand it and how others seemingly have it figured out. Comfort, it seems, is what we all want. Whether it is found in a book, a place, or with a person, we all want comfort. In times of crisis, people will try to find comfort in different things. It reminds me of what Mel Gibson said in the movie “Signs”.
What you have to ask yourself is do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Do you believe there are no such things as luck or random coincidences, that everything has a purpose?
Or do you believe things are what they are? That finding a penny is finding a penny?
What do you believe in?
He then goes on and asks Jude Law if he feels comforted by his words and Jude Law says Yes.
Law asks Gibson what he believes and he says it’s not important as long as he felt comforted. Then the aliens come and blah……
Anyway the point being since we are not the center of the universe, and we are self-centered to the core. When faced with a situation we are asked to step outside of ourselves and comfort those around us in spite of how we may feel at that given time, the mind somehow still wants to make it about us, about what we are going through. The truth of the matter is: this is what life is asking us to walk through, this is not personal.
We talked about a “Grand Design God w/Kung-Fu Grip” or how I really don’t believe that my HP is a “God that will allow things to happen to test my resolve towards life or it”. I don’t believe that tragedy is a designed plan by God to draw the “positive out of a negative situation” except in this manner….
If God is asking me to be an instrument of Love, I can Love. If God is asking me to help, I will help. If God is asking me to carry the load for you, because you can’t, I will. I will because my hope is you would do it for me. If this is why children die, if this is why planes fly into buildings, if this is what God means by pulling a positive out of a negative, then ok. But don’t tell me this is God’s plan, to watch humanity do what we do to each other. To watch loved ones die, to feel what we feel, and explain it away as a Master Plan……I would rather you simply sit with me and hold my hand and whisper…..It will be ok…….
I’m really not sure if that made sense or where it came from. Maybe from something I’ve been pushing down inside of myself. I was glad to hear from Elz and get to speak to her. Please send your positive energy her way.
I received a text message last night asking me to speak at COASCNA’s New Years Eve Event. It’s a pretty big deal, and I accepted after consulting with the family on what we were doing for the night. I think we are going to watch movies after that. I don’t think it’s one of those events that is recorded or anything like that but it’s still a big deal. What makes it even more special is that it will be at the same building my home group meets in and I believe that this is everything come full circle from some stuff that happened in the fall.
It seems like I have typed a small novel.
I hope you are well.
Take Care…..Bob D.