Yesterday I was going to write a nasty post. I don’t know why, I had just read enough bullshit on here to want to say hurtful things. Instead I thought about what was right. What is right in this case is, Misery loves company.
With that being said the following is true, but loaded with sarcasm….
I remember folks like you. I remember sitting beside you in a bar, a club, a dopehouse on this very day 4 years ago. I remember you trying to talk to me, telling me your woes and how it is everyone elses fault that life is not working out for you. I nodded my head in agreement to a giant chorus of “Fuck You” to life and the world. I remember you telling me how this or that didn’t work and why. How we’re smarter than the rest. We could talk in slang or scholarly terms. We could quote famous people who did great things, or sing along to a favorite song that was about nothing more than booze and broads, drugs and guns.
Something happened though…
Your voice became silent. It became non-existent because I could no longer listen to your ramblings, because mine became more important. So I sat with myself, in a car at 5am on December 19th and looked at the thing starring back at me.
Funny, I had no company for this misery then.
I went to rehab, joined a cult called NA and had my brainwashed…..
Actually I cried beside a detox bed first at the shambles I had made of my life. The people who loved me my whole life, flashed before my eyes as the self-pity told me it could not be done. That it was only a matter of time before I used again, preferably sooner than later.
I went to a meeting in desperation. I had not time to question if David Koresh or Harry Potter was the President of NA, I wanted help.
I do not know of one person who has went to a 12 Step meeting of any kind because their life was what they wanted it to be in one form or another.
I didn’t roll out of the club at 2am saying, “I am having such a good time in life I will drop by an NA meeting to see what I am missing”.
At my second meeting I met a guy who took an interest in a confused addict on the brink of death. I asked him to sponsor me. In New Age Recovery terms this sponsor would be called an “Abstinence Coach”, but I don’t have to pay him for ongoing relapse prevention services or DVD’s.
I questioned a lot of things. I questioned the program, God, Steps, service work…all of it. There are 2 things that stood out that I will share with you that I haven’t before that made me stop doubting the NA Program of recovery.
1) My first year clean I had a fight with my wife and I drove to a Walgreen’s and sat in the parking lot with a feeling in my stomach that I had felt before. What it was is that I realized that even though the drugs had been removed, I had not changed as a person, that all the behaviors were still there, I was still hurting the one’s I loved and was hurting them clean. That drug use was really just a symptom of a much deeper issue…….Me.
2) When I went over my 4th Step with my sponsor and felt like someone had been put into my life that cared whether I lived or died on a different level. Being spiritually dead and having an awaking of the spirit in the sense that of all the things I had done in my life, that moment, the earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole. This person did not judge, nor laugh at me. He made me see what I couldn’t see in myself…..A Human Being was underneath all of this junk.
Tomorrow I will celebrate 4 years clean. For some that doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me, it is everything. I owe NA a huge debt of gratitude, and in that same breath I am realistic enough about my recovery to know that I can hide in NA or disappear from it for good. There is a lot of talk about how to find balance in recovery. I know I cannot go to meetings 7 days a week, nor do I want to. I would suggest (The word that really means DO) to read the front of our text about the NA Symbol (Hieroglyphic of Satan) that talks about: God, Self, Service, and Society.
I don’t know a lot but here are a few things I know, in no certain order:
I am not trying to get clean, I am clean.
The desire to use drugs has been lifted.
I have found a new way to live, some days I don’t like it.
I have been given the priviledge of thinking again, and because this is dangerous, I try not to tackle subjects like: How recovery doesn’t work.
I still like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.
Most days I am still stuck somewhere between hope and fear.
I realize the ‘disease of addiction’ is my thinking.
I am responsible for what I did to myself and others.
I know what Love is and isn’t.
I am grateful for all of the people who have supported me in recovery, some of which are no longer here or in my life.
Murder, Sex, Art
Most of all I realize I am a human being. I am grateful to NA, Jimmy K, Mickey Mouse, and Jenna Jameson….
As I look back over the last 4 years I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am baffled still by life and all it involves. Relationships have been made anew and there are some I have had to say good-bye to. I have lost family and friends, dealt with mental illness in my family, and have cried many nights.
Each day the sun has risen and set on a life that seems, at times, as crazy as when I was using, but something has happened. I laughed today. I laughed as I wrote this and smiled at thoughts and memories yet to be made. My journey is far from over, and although we may never see eye to eye on a subject or topic, I respect you as a human being.
I wish you all of the best misery….your stay here is done, I no longer have room for you in my life today or any other day. I know you will find a replacement for me somewhere, and when you are done with them I will still be here………..
“When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends-jails, institutions, or death-or find a new way to live”.
Take Care…..Bob D.