For some reason I can’t get the song, “Happy Holidays” by Andy Williams out of my head. It’s probably because there is a local radio station here that plays Christmas music 24hrs a day from Thanksgiving until the day after Christmas and my wife seems to believe that the radio dial is stuck there during this time……
Back to work after a week of vacation and NYE is approaching. I told you I have been asked to speak at our area’s NYE event this year and I am already nervous. It’s a big event. I guess I keep going over things in my mind that some “Special” message is required because of the day or the event and I am reminded that a simple, honest message of recovery is what works. It doesn’t need to be themed or full of ideas gathered around a Holiday in particular, it just needs to be honest.
My thoughts don’t control or determine outcomes. In the past I would sit and think. “I bet this person thinks this or that about me” when in reality it’s really what I thought about myself. When we talk about “The Disease of Addiction” I have come to understand what we are really talking about is my diseased thinking. Our literature tells us that honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking. At some point, after the drugs are removed, the physical crave or addiction is removed…We are left to deal with the thinking common place to most addicted people.
The countless stream of the same thoughts occurring over and over again. This is what I hope to be prepared against during my daily routine. Am I crazy? Maybe. Is there something wrong with me? Probably. But the idea is that the Spiritual Awakening we hear about is not a parting of the heavens and divinity in the form of lightning, it is the transformation of a person as they recover. This is my understanding.
We talk a lot about wanting to be understood. That we feel that if people only understood us that we could make our way through life at a much easier rate…”If she only understood what I was going through”…This is the example of self-centeredness that runs to our very core. In the end, who really gives a shit….unless I understand my place in the world and the lives of those around me?
Living by principles isn’t easy, nor was it intended to be. There are times (more than I care to admit) that I have the Fuck-It’s. I just don’t care, want to be left alone to my own devices, don’t want to be in recovery, don’t want to say I’m an addict and all that jazz. I want to run, hide, and be lazy. I want to be dishonest and hurt people on purpose. I want to spend money I don’t have, have sex with people at will, and be a general fuck-up. But, I know where it all ends. I’ve been there. I just don’t like the way I feel after it’s all done.
Transformation is odd, isn’t little butterfly?
Funny, I see Pee-Wee Herman’s face photoshopped on a Monarch Butterfly………………Still Sick.
Have a Great Day.