Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for January, 2010

A Kick in the Balls by God…


Well it would seem that life has me in its grasp. For those who read my “Open Letter” post yesterday it was the result of the visit to our daughter’s new doctor. After consulting with my daughter for 45 minutes she brought my wife and I into the office and all of us sat down.

We were informed that my daughter feels that she is depressed at times, usually for a day or two, that she doesn’t like to be told no, and that she has moments where she loses control of herself. These were no real revelations for us. Then the doctor turned to me and said….

It seems in talking with your daughter and reviewing the notes from the psychologist, that your daughter has stopped maturing emotionally and to a degree mentally. That she is having a hard time letting go of your drug use, that you should have been there for her, that you let her down. I would recommend a medication adjustment and weekly therapy for her to deal with this trauma……..

I sat in the chair as my daughter cried and my wife looked at the floor. I felt like the world had stopped turning and could feel my spirit leave my body. I sat with my hands folded in my lap as my wife interjected, “My husband has done very well for over 4 years….”, as the doctor cut her off and said, “That may be so, but there are issues here that need to be resolved.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, quite frankly, I still don’t. I am full of mixed emotions. I had wanted to go into that office and find out what the problems were, and what the solutions are to move forward. I guess I got them, they just weren’t what I wanted.

 It felt like a kick in the balls by God. I wanted a break, and didn’t get it.  The ride home was quite. I made my way back to work and sat in guilt, shame, and fear. The rest of the day felt like an out-of-body experience. I was walking through, going through the motions. I got home and decided to go to a meeting.

I called my sponsor and talked with him. He said something that I needed to hear. I am reminded by the NA Textbook that if going through this pain helps just one person, then the pain was worth it. It never dawned on me of going through this pain, that if it helped my daughter, she would be the one person.

I listened to a guy speak who had 24 years clean last night. I needed to see him more than hear him. A living example of the program working in someone’s life for that amount of time is always inspiring. His talk made sense.
I went home and my wife asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her that she need not worry, that I know that the path ahead is set. She asked me what I meant……

I believe our future’s are changed because of what we are asked to do today. I will hold my head up with faith, dignity, and pride. I will walk through this with her. It wasn’t until this year, 25 years after the fact, I was able to resolve issues with my Father and come to an understanding of what happened to me as a child. I don’t want her to have to wait 25 years to move her own life forward. I will not hold my head down in guilt over things ultimately in the end I can’t go back and change. It may be painful, but I accept my part in what I did, and accept full responsibility for doing what I can to help.

My wife and I hugged and I cried a silent tear. I don’t have anymore to cry today. I feel like I am at another crossroads in my recovery, but am steadfast in my resolve and my committment. Thanks to all of those who have read and sent support.

Take Care….Bob D.

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And you let me down…..


An Open Letter….

I’ve done this before. Said I was wrong, said I was sorry. I’ve done the best I can for 4 years. I tried to make amends to you a while back in the kitchen. Talked, cried, tried to explain my behavior. Perhaps you were too young, perhaps I didn’t do it in the way you expected, maybe the timing wasn’t right. I offered to continue to do the best I could today, because it is all I really have. I’ve tried to not make up for lost time, but share a better quality of time with you in the here and now.

There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t deal with some type of guilt. Something I should have said, or something I shouldn’t have said. Things I did or left undone. There are nights it plays like a movie in my head and the guilt is overwhelming. It is paralyzing. I ask God to let me sleep and it doesn’t come. I sleepwalk through my past and watch the present slip further and further out of my grasp.

I talk to my sponsor, my HP, and I am reminded there are some amends that can never fully be made. This maybe one of them. Maybe there is just too much damage done. Maybe this is one of the consequences I was meant to have, I just wished God would let me have a pass on this one. I can handle a lot, but this, this one I took for granted. I took for granted that you would forgive me at some point and move forward, but you haven’t.

I know I must find a way to deal with the guilt, or it will consume me. I have faith that God will carry me when I can’t carry myself. He carried me back to you and all I can do is let you know that I was wrong for letting you down, that I should have been there. I will continue to be there for you today, as long as you let me, or want me to be……

                                                                                                       Love,
                                                                                                                    Dad

How do you feel???


Most days I take feeling for granted. There are days that will live in my memories as both extraordinary, difficult, rewarding, desperate, and a multitude of other words that escape me. Rarely do I sit down and ask myself, “How do you feel?”
Maybe I should do it more often. I usually find I am doing better than what I think. It seems my mind and emotions will allow me to believe on any given day that the end of the world is right around the corner. Our literature reminds me that the principles found in the 12 Steps are to help me deal with the pain and confusion of life or everyday living.
The more I think about it, it kind of seems like an odd but true statement. Somewhere in the way my thinking is wired or through learned behavior patterns, life seems to be painful and confusing. Granted it’s not all the time or my perception of things is slowly changing over time.

I had people tell me my whole life I shouldn’t think or feel a certain way about things. How in the hell can I tell someone how to feel? My thoughts, though off base, are simply that. My thoughts. It is when those thoughts and feelings are driven on impulse, on obsession, on compulsion I am in trouble. I haven’t died from any feeling I’ve had, and my thoughts unless acted on are just random bits of nonsense.

When was the last time you asked yourself….How do I feel today?

Today I feel tired and worried. Tired from staying up too late. I took the kids to see Monday Night Raw (WWE) last night. We had fun.
I am worried because the business partner that is supposed to loan me the money I had previously written about, well, is in trouble himself. I don’t know or possible won’t know the story but it has to do with money.
I have to sit down with my bills and look at doing what I should have done in the first place…..Be Responsible.
I will work it out. I just need to sit down and work some numbers.

My wife and I went to our new psychiatrist yesterday. We gave her some background info on our daughter. We have another appointment tomorrow. After an hours worth of questions, the doctor asked us if we had ever heard of Asperger’s Syndrome. I am unfamiliar with it and am just now starting to read on the subject. This new doctor believes that my daughter has been misdiagnosed with BiPolar Disorder and is leaning towards Asperger’s. I have read just a small amount on it and some of the symptoms listed make more sense and fit more than the BiPolar Disorder does. Is anyone reading this familiar with what I am talking about? Your feedback is appreciated.

Work is ok. Sponsee’s are crazy, and so am I.
Just finished writing on Step 12 and realized that I did it. I did what I had committed myself to doing. Working through all 12 Steps as honestly as I could with an NA Sponsor. Reading the Step out of the NA Step Working Guide, the Step itself made more sense and I felt like I got more out of it than I have in a while. I believe I have had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of the steps. I believe my life is transformed. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, nor will I ever be. What it means is the promise is true. It means that I have found my new way to live, I’m not searching for it anymore.

I am ok with me right now. I am ok in my life. I am so thankful for what I have and what I don’t have, it’s hard to describe to you. If you had met me or known me a few short years ago, you as well as the many that passed through my life, would not have believed this to be possible……..
Sometimes I still don’t.

Today I feel like a Human Being.

Take Care….Bob D.

And we still break the rules…


First off I am making a conscious effort to put some of the comedy away….

With that being said I continue to read posts about how things don’t work, but yet I’m offered no practical solution about what does. It’s always easy to be the cynic, because in the end, the only person listening is you. If it’s not for you, that’s fine, but please put down the sign you are carrying that reads “Conspiracy Victim”. If you need to disprove something because it hasn’t, doesn’t, or won’t work for you maybe the answer lies within instead of around.

There is a saying in the rooms, No major changes the first year of recovery. There are others as well, no relationships, don’t go to clubs, don’t hang around all newcomers, so on and so on. It’s not that they are rules, it’s not that I am a smart ass, it’s I believe what I see.

No where in our literature does it say anything about waiting a year to do anything. I mean a not using drugs was a major change. I was already in a relationship, allegedly, but had no clue about what I was really doing even after 15 years of marriage when I first arrived in NA.
It’s always easy for someone who doesn’t have a job to tell someone they should quit their’s based on some problem they maybe having.
Where is this all going?

Bad decisions, are bad decisions. Ignoring the experience of others, which for the longest time I considered a weakness, is a bad decision. It’s not that I have some corner on the market to intelligent information, it boils down to…

I have seen this shit all before.

Guys I sponsor involved in relationships way too early…relapse.
Guys I sponsor involved in going places they shouldn’t….relapse.
Guys I sponsor not putting in the effort…..relapse.
Guys who feel that they shouldn’t feel……relapse.
Guys who think they have “Got This”…..relapse.
Guys who think this doesn’t apply to them because they are smart…..relapse.

You can substitute guys for girls in there at any point. There is no difference in recovering men and women with exception to a random X Y chromosome.
I am struggling even in my own right of doing the basics I tell my own guys. Hypocritical? Maybe, apathetic? Possibly. Complacent…mosy definately. I know I will get back on track. See the difference here is I am not under any delusions. I am not in denial over what or who I am.
For some, the 12 Steps are viewed as a “Get better quick program” based on cult like information. What I have learned is the 12 Steps are more of a formula for reshaping the way I think.
I told my wife the other night after a frustrating day of phone calls, that I can’t help the way my brain is wired. It’s not my fault. If there was some switch to turn it off, I would, but I can’t. So I use what I learn on an experimental basis and see how it can help me live my life the best I can.
She looked at me after all this time with not the “Smart Ass” look but the look of her understanding.

I still break the rules, if you want to call it that. There are rules everywhere I go. It’s ok, most I don’t want to break but occasionally, I still do. I guess I just know what my limitations are based in the amount of pain I have had in my life. Some just aren’t there yet, so they will break the rules, feel the pain of the situation, and wonder why.

I stopped asking why…..I now ask HOW.

Take Care….Bob D.

Jersey Shore Finale & Why I Should Be On Season 2


Well it’s finally come down to the last episode of Jersey Shore. I really don’t know how it is I will get by once the finale is over. I hope that the season is released to DVD, packed with extra’s, bonus footage, “The Punch”, Tanning Secrets, and most of all pictures of how they got Amanda Bynes to look like Snooki.

Not Really……

Of all the “Reality Shows” MTV has spewed out over the years, this by far, has been a lesson in what not to do, and what not to watch. Granted controversy brings ratings. MTV wants an ass every 18 inches, side by side, glued to television sets and the web to soak up these kids as they can. Let’s not forget MTV is out to make money, and money they have made off these folks. But at what cost? Dell, American Family Insurance, and Domino’s pulled their sponsorship after Italian American interest groups were offended by the show. Even with those sponsors gone, the show, the cast, and MTV all still made money. That is the bottom line.

Anyone remember these guys?

The cast from MTV”s The Real World?

This was the first and only successful experiment in “Reality Live Together Shows”. I wonder how they are? What they learned? How much money did they make? They seemed to be able to give the insights I was looking for into different cultures, different lifestyles, and did it all without being offensive to themselves first and the rest of the world as well.

Here is an idea for the title of the second season of Jersey Shore

Wait…..That’s kind of what already has occurred….

How is it a reality show when you out a casting call asking for “Loud, Opinionated, Tan, Young Drunks”?

So I’m trying to figure out how I can submit my portfolio to land this dream gig? I could run around the house naked, make smart ass comments, offend people, offend women, lose my self-esteem but never really lose it because I never had it to start with.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…What did Bob Say?

Alright maybe I’m being to hard on them?!? I mean they are young. So what they need is like a “House Father”. Here is my photo for official submission to the show. Ladies…..This is the “True Situation”.

I really think I’ve got a shot….I do. I could take care of them.

I guess the thing to do would be to ask a New Yorker about Jersey.

Well my friend….It looks like that has already been done.

All jokes aside. These kids will be one upped at some point. All shows are. MTV has a demographic they are appealing to. Some could say I’m just bitter, maybe even jealous. Hell, I’d like to have abs like that (Again?!?) but not at the cost of looking like an idiot on Worldwide Television, and unfortunately that is what MTV has done with these kids. But I wonder who is the bigger idiot….Them or Us?

Take Care.

All Images Property of Google, Inc.

Updates….


I’ve listened to “Empire State of Mind” with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. It’s a catchy tune that I just can’t get out of my mind. I’ve been to New York a couple of times. I didn’t really think though that the city made me feel “Brand New” and the lights blinded me and not “Inspire Me”.

I’m not that big a fan of rap. I can listen to it. Some of it is ok, some of it is shit, just as all music is. There are pieces of classical music I can listen to and feel moved, and there are others that are too off tempo and crammed with unintelligible continuity.

I love music. The thing with music that I have learned is that I always associate a memory with a song. Some believe that music, among other things, are triggers for addicted people. If my whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, then everything is a trigger. I believe certain memories, places, songs, are just stronger than others.

I worked out a deal with a business partner to borrow some money to pay off the credit cards I blogged about previously. I sat down with him and was honest about the situation. It will be easier to pay him one payment than pay on 3 that aren’t going anywhere.

Things at home have calmed down for the time being. I’m not holding my breath over anything. we have been in this pattern before. Things are good for a couple of weeks and we end up right back in the same spots. We have tried to keep my daughter busy, giving her little time for bad decision-making to take over.

My son, whom had sleep problems due to nightmares, seems to be doing ok. He has been more pleasant in going to bed and waking up in the mornings. The last 3 day weekend was difficult but he had stayed the night with a friend on Saturday and I believe they stayed up half that night and slept in Sunday causing him not to be tired and he just wanted to stay up and play video games.

A recovery thought today came at lunch when discussing behavior. One fo the guys I was with felt his behavior was unacceptable, especially because this person was in recovery. I reminded him I was in recovery, and my behavior wasn’t always acceptable, but it also didn’t give me an excuse to do whatever I wanted then blame it on being an addict. You know the accountability factor.

Hope all is well with you.
Take Care…Bob D.

Coffee, Tea, or You…..


So I am sitting at the cafeteria at Nationwide Plaza yesterday eating lunch with some co-workers, and they expect it. They expect me to say something. It’s kinda like when I was using, really loaded, people expected me to do something dumb. I expected to do something really dumb, I mean that’s what I did. Fuck, I was a messy addict….it’s a wonder I’m not in jail.

Anyway…They expect me to say something about women. Something sexual in nature of course. Some famous lines I’ve used in the past….

Stop the presses…Who is that?
It looks as if someone stuck 2 hams down the back of her pants.
Would you look at the swing on that back porch.
I would have her bouncing up and down like a low-rider in a Dr. Dre video.

You get the point……
Sorry to say I’m not as Spiritual when it comes to that department. Sometimes I say things for shock value, sometimes it’s just the simple fact that there are some HOT women downtown, but most of the time I do it out of insecurity.
I really wouldn’t know what to do if some of those women gave me the time of day. It’s not that I’m ugly, and yes I remember I am married, and remain faithful. It’s more a hypothetical situation…..

What Would I Do?

 Some folks think I have multiple girlfriends, and I don’t. I speak to a lot of women. I always have. I remember being in clubs, telling myself, if I just had that hanging off my arm my life would be better. If I only had a girl who would do this, be that, or do that, my life would be better.
I was talking to some guys after the meeting on Sunday and they wanted my experience on relationships in recovery. You know, dating, girlfriends, sex…The whole 9 yards. I don’t believe that anyone of us is competent enough to speak on this. I know I have had my fair share of difficulties, still do. Most of this is based in fears and insecurities.

The first year and a half I was clean was extremely difficult. It was difficult in communicating, it was difficult in decision-making, it was difficult in the sex department. It can still be today. I mean if I’m going to write about it, I need to be honest.
So it seems I make up for these by making comments to guy co-workers, but today there was a female present who knows me. She also knows I am full of hot air. I guess what got me on this subject was reading another blog on here about how this is behavior, when acted on, is just as tough as an addiction to drugs. When comments and fantasies aren’t enough and the mental obsession of sex becomes a physical compulsion.
Some would say there is a choice, as with all addictions, but I believe there is just as much if not more denial. I mean it’s sex, right? EVERYONE DOES IT.

I guess my point is, I need to be mindful of my wondering eyes and foul mouth. It’s disrespectful and I feel embarrassed now looking back over my actions. I don’t think it’s wrong to admire a beautiful woman, maybe I just need to find a different way to express it other than….

Man, It just went from 6 o’clock to Midnight….quick.

Then again…..maybe not.
Take Care.
Bob D.