Well it would seem that life has me in its grasp. For those who read my “Open Letter” post yesterday it was the result of the visit to our daughter’s new doctor. After consulting with my daughter for 45 minutes she brought my wife and I into the office and all of us sat down.
We were informed that my daughter feels that she is depressed at times, usually for a day or two, that she doesn’t like to be told no, and that she has moments where she loses control of herself. These were no real revelations for us. Then the doctor turned to me and said….
It seems in talking with your daughter and reviewing the notes from the psychologist, that your daughter has stopped maturing emotionally and to a degree mentally. That she is having a hard time letting go of your drug use, that you should have been there for her, that you let her down. I would recommend a medication adjustment and weekly therapy for her to deal with this trauma……..
I sat in the chair as my daughter cried and my wife looked at the floor. I felt like the world had stopped turning and could feel my spirit leave my body. I sat with my hands folded in my lap as my wife interjected, “My husband has done very well for over 4 years….”, as the doctor cut her off and said, “That may be so, but there are issues here that need to be resolved.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, quite frankly, I still don’t. I am full of mixed emotions. I had wanted to go into that office and find out what the problems were, and what the solutions are to move forward. I guess I got them, they just weren’t what I wanted.
It felt like a kick in the balls by God. I wanted a break, and didn’t get it. The ride home was quite. I made my way back to work and sat in guilt, shame, and fear. The rest of the day felt like an out-of-body experience. I was walking through, going through the motions. I got home and decided to go to a meeting.
I called my sponsor and talked with him. He said something that I needed to hear. I am reminded by the NA Textbook that if going through this pain helps just one person, then the pain was worth it. It never dawned on me of going through this pain, that if it helped my daughter, she would be the one person.
I listened to a guy speak who had 24 years clean last night. I needed to see him more than hear him. A living example of the program working in someone’s life for that amount of time is always inspiring. His talk made sense.
I went home and my wife asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her that she need not worry, that I know that the path ahead is set. She asked me what I meant……
I believe our future’s are changed because of what we are asked to do today. I will hold my head up with faith, dignity, and pride. I will walk through this with her. It wasn’t until this year, 25 years after the fact, I was able to resolve issues with my Father and come to an understanding of what happened to me as a child. I don’t want her to have to wait 25 years to move her own life forward. I will not hold my head down in guilt over things ultimately in the end I can’t go back and change. It may be painful, but I accept my part in what I did, and accept full responsibility for doing what I can to help.
My wife and I hugged and I cried a silent tear. I don’t have anymore to cry today. I feel like I am at another crossroads in my recovery, but am steadfast in my resolve and my committment. Thanks to all of those who have read and sent support.
Take Care….Bob D.