Just Another Recovering Person

Well it would seem that life has me in its grasp. For those who read my “Open Letter” post yesterday it was the result of the visit to our daughter’s new doctor. After consulting with my daughter for 45 minutes she brought my wife and I into the office and all of us sat down.

We were informed that my daughter feels that she is depressed at times, usually for a day or two, that she doesn’t like to be told no, and that she has moments where she loses control of herself. These were no real revelations for us. Then the doctor turned to me and said….

It seems in talking with your daughter and reviewing the notes from the psychologist, that your daughter has stopped maturing emotionally and to a degree mentally. That she is having a hard time letting go of your drug use, that you should have been there for her, that you let her down. I would recommend a medication adjustment and weekly therapy for her to deal with this trauma……..

I sat in the chair as my daughter cried and my wife looked at the floor. I felt like the world had stopped turning and could feel my spirit leave my body. I sat with my hands folded in my lap as my wife interjected, “My husband has done very well for over 4 years….”, as the doctor cut her off and said, “That may be so, but there are issues here that need to be resolved.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say, quite frankly, I still don’t. I am full of mixed emotions. I had wanted to go into that office and find out what the problems were, and what the solutions are to move forward. I guess I got them, they just weren’t what I wanted.

 It felt like a kick in the balls by God. I wanted a break, and didn’t get it.  The ride home was quite. I made my way back to work and sat in guilt, shame, and fear. The rest of the day felt like an out-of-body experience. I was walking through, going through the motions. I got home and decided to go to a meeting.

I called my sponsor and talked with him. He said something that I needed to hear. I am reminded by the NA Textbook that if going through this pain helps just one person, then the pain was worth it. It never dawned on me of going through this pain, that if it helped my daughter, she would be the one person.

I listened to a guy speak who had 24 years clean last night. I needed to see him more than hear him. A living example of the program working in someone’s life for that amount of time is always inspiring. His talk made sense.
I went home and my wife asked me if I wanted to talk. I told her that she need not worry, that I know that the path ahead is set. She asked me what I meant……

I believe our future’s are changed because of what we are asked to do today. I will hold my head up with faith, dignity, and pride. I will walk through this with her. It wasn’t until this year, 25 years after the fact, I was able to resolve issues with my Father and come to an understanding of what happened to me as a child. I don’t want her to have to wait 25 years to move her own life forward. I will not hold my head down in guilt over things ultimately in the end I can’t go back and change. It may be painful, but I accept my part in what I did, and accept full responsibility for doing what I can to help.

My wife and I hugged and I cried a silent tear. I don’t have anymore to cry today. I feel like I am at another crossroads in my recovery, but am steadfast in my resolve and my committment. Thanks to all of those who have read and sent support.

Take Care….Bob D.

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Comments on: "A Kick in the Balls by God…" (5)

  1. I can’t stop thinking about this. Maybe its not as much about you using as it is about what happend to her while you were using. Both of my parents were users. You have to figure out what you missed. What is she not telling you? You let her down, how? What has happened to her? What is the big trama and the issues she needs to deal with? Sometimes its not about you the way you think it is.

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      I know time will tell. Your right it’s not about what I did while I was using, it’s what I didn’t do. I stopped when she was 11. I guess that’s why we are going to professional help, to find out what she isn’t able to say.
      Thanks for stopping by.

  2. Elizabeth said:

    I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one. I am not supporting any idea that Lornas rage is directly due to your drug use from back when she was 10 years old.. I spent 10 years in psychologists and shrinks chairs taking their prescribed medicines, accepting diagnoses and counseling and doing whatever they proposed and so did my dad so I’m not coming from a uneducated place here. I know you guys are desperate for an answer to her behavior but these people didn’t do some blood test to find this stuff out. It’s one persons guess who JUST met your family. Lornas moods could be the result of her diet, her social circle, her own possible drug use, you or your wifes discpilinary skills or consistantcy or misfiring hormones. Or most likely it could be something that no one but Lorna knows and you won’t find out until a decade from now.
    I don’t doubt that your drug use affected Lorna.Instead of continuing to go down the same roads again and again why not trailblaze a new road? No matter what any sponsor or doctor tells you we both know that you have worked your recovery issue for the last 4 years. That work has caused a ripple effect of healing in you and your familys life. Why not recover another issue in your life and see what that does? Work on something in your life today this truly is broken. FIx THAT. Then see what good ripple effect it has in your life.
    Sending love…

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