I finished the “writing” part of Step 12. It’s been really introspective in the sense it’s really the first thing I “finished” in a long time. I know we are never truly “finished” with the Steps, but having stuck with it and wrote about, talked about, and tried to correct some things in my life feels like a decent accomplishment.
I’ve been clean now for a little over 4 years. My entire being is not devoted to a 12 Step fellowship, nor do I feel like I’ve been brainwashed or pressured into doing anything. I never did anything I really didn’t want to do in the first place anyhow.
I believe what the 12 Steps are intended to do is open my eyes to the possibilities of seeing myself, and the world around me in a different light. It has been and continues as an effective way for me to get a better perspective on myself and my reality.
There are some who would continue to convince others that 12 Step Programs are a cult. I can’t speak for any Fellowship other than my own, NA, and for NA in my area. I am not the spokesperson for Narcotics Anonymous, I am just a recovering person who chooses to go to that Fellowship.
I would offer this….If I were to read, try to make sense of and whole-heartedly believe in a theory as some websites would want you to….I wouldn’t bet your life on it. I mean that is what we are gambling with afterall, people’s lives. We are gambling with people’s lives with alleged information that is based on nothing more than rehashed articles written in the past. These articles are or were born out of resentments reaching back over 60 years. That’s a long time to hold a grudge. Resentments are like poison, I drink the poison and hope you die.
I don’t need theories in NA. It either works or it doesn’t. What I have really discovered over these past 4 years is more of what not to do than versus what to do.
What I have found is a proven method for day to day recovery that doesn’t have me crying in the mirror over how “powerless” my life is. I know that I have regained power in my life.
I don’t sit in meetings and confess ‘sins” because I don’t suffer from a moral deficiency. What I suffer from is addiction which affects my spiritual, mental, and emotional being.
I don’t stand in front of the mirror each morning saying…”Is this the day I relapse”? Each day I thank a HP, for giving me another opportunity at life.
I don’t need an affirmation, but what I do need is your help. I didn’t nor can’t do this on my own. I don’t sit in 3 meetings a day, 7 days a week, guzzling gallons of coffee talking about “Life on Life’s Terms”.
What I do know is that I tried repeatedly to stop and stay stopped on my own and I know that does not work for me.
If this sounds like a rant it is. There is just too much bullshit out there for someone who has never thought about stopping to stumble across some website offering a theory that is unproven and dangerous.
I mean if I want to get real with it. People like me and people like you who write, this isn’t our first time at the dance. We have had the opportunity to learn some things, however small, about recovery.
If you have now or in the past attended a 12 Step Meeting, or program, there is a strong indication there is something going on in life that is bigger than you.
I don’t know of anyone who just pauses their life and says, “I wonder what NA is about, let’s go check out a meeting”.
With that being said, the difference, the real difference between you and I is simply this…..
I don’t need to be understood…….I understand.
Take Care….Bob D.