We are often the last ones to see change take hold in our lives….
We talk a lot in meetings about only having to change one thing: everything.
On the outside, it’s easy to see these types of changes. Change of people, places, and things. It’s the internal changes, or a slow shift in perspective that isn’t always easy to spot. I believe that inward un-manageability began long before there were outward signs. I don’t consciously sit back and say…”I remember thinking like that”. It’s more that my thought process just goes through a different progression. I still have the same thoughts and feelings I arrived with in recovery, I believe that I always will to a degree, but it’s more having a level of understanding about myself and the world around me.
I was speaking with someone the other day about this. Going through a break-up of 10 years (this person has been clean 11 years) doing what he knew to do…Going to meetings, talking with his sponsor, talking to guys he sponsors…All the suggestions he said…”Bob, even though I know I am doing everything, my feelings tell me I am not connected.
I trust this guy with my life. He has helped me just as much as my sponsor has. To hear him say this let me know how truly my feelings affect my thinking patterns. This truly is a feelings disease.
I listened to him and told him I had a similar experience but the opposite. I’ve waited to share this all with you until it was right, and now is the time.
After the appointment with my daughter’s doctor, that evening and that next day, my mind was telling me…You know this is all your fault, don’t you?
But my feelings, a feeling, told me I was connected to a HP. I had a feeling sweep over me that I was not the endpoint of this issue. That it would be ok, if I did what I knew how to do. That feeling stayed with me for some time, and as the waves of doubt my mind would send out would come across me, I could literally feel this energy smash it.
I have not had an experience like that in recovery.
I used to laugh when I would hear people talk about feeling so connected that they could feel the presence of a HP with them in a room….
I won’t laugh anymore.
It was real. It is as real as you or I. I am no longer a doubter. I guess when I was at my weakest, my HP knew that I could bear no more.
We are all asked at some time or another to carry more than can. My shoulders are broad, and I believe I am strong, but I am under no delusion that there are times and will be other times that it will only be this contact with a HP that will stop me from using. Because the truth of the matter is, I could have used that day or any day.
I read some posts earlier of some folks trying to quit for the 1st time. I applaud you and support you. Please keep coming back, you are worth it.
There has been a slow change with my daughter. We had an appointment yesterday, and with no uncertain terms, I said aloud that I stay “Guarded”. We have seen this pattern before, but something is different I will admit. Instead of talking at us, she has talked to us. She has made an extra effort on homework, and things have been calm. I don’t believe I should get out the halo polish just yet, but I pray to God that this is the turning point we have looked for now for over a year. I’m starting to see glimpses of my daughter again, and I Love It.
I am scared. I am afraid I will put too much hope in this and it will come back to blow up in our faces all over again. That would be difficult to handle.
Big snowstorm heading our way.
Take Care….Bob D.