I haven’t written anything since last week. I really haven’t written anything of substance in a while it seems. I spoke with someone last night about self-will, ego, connectivity, and feelings.
All sounds deep doesn’t it? I guess I’m feeling deep right now. All my life I’ve concerned myself with deep issues, things lurking in the dark, fears, dreams, hopes, nightmares.
Sitting here at work and wondering what direction my life is heading in seems like a reoccurring theme. I sat in bed last night and wondered what was going on in Nebraska. None of this will probably make sense to anyone but me and that’s ok. I guess what it boils down to is the same things in my life are happening, I try to resolve them in the same manner, and I am left to question my life, my recovery, and my desire.
I even questioned the literature that helped save my life. It’s not enough I told myself, it’s not giving me the answers I need to hear. The answers are always there, it’s whether my mind is open to receive it.
It’s not been one big event, but several small ones, that have me in this space. My mom left for California for 3 weeks. I found out from a Facebook post courtesy of my sister. No phone call.
My wife melted down on Valentines Day and it continued through last night. I sat on the bed with her as she cried and tried to explain to me how she felt like her mother “abandoned” her because she moved to Louisiana.
My daughter was a bitch all day yesterday.I am just worn out with her. It’s to the point I have a difficult time even being around her. I feel like shit because this is my child! How is this possible? Is it possible to love a child because they are yours and simply hate to be around them because they suck as a person? I found more inappropriate text messages on her phone. Guys asking her to send pictures of herself and her parts to them. I stumbled across an email she sent via MySpace to one of her friends informing her that she had lost her virginity in November. I haven’t told my wife. I can’t. Not right now. I wish I hadn’t came across it. I shouldn’t have looked at her stuff when she was out of the room. Is it better to know or not to know? The other thing is I don’t know if it is even true. She makes no mention of the boy’s name, like she was just playing follow the leader in the email.
I told my sponsor that dealing with her is next to impossible. I want her to see life through my eyes and she can’t. She sees through her eyes and this is where it all comes to a standstill. I believe she is in for a difficult time and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is a line in the NA Text that says…Sometimes we feel lousy, and we want to run. I just don’t want to run, I want to take everyone with me. I want to pack everyone up and leave this town. I am tired of Columbus, tired of my kids schools, tired of my wife’s boss being a dick. I am tired of snow and cold weather. I have a whole laundry list of shit I am tired of.
I spoke to my sponsor about some things last night. He told me, “Bob, why don’t you try going about things differently, just try going about them differently”.
Is this “Different” a life change? Maybe. It could be. I know some things are going to have to change in our lives. I am convinced we need to move, not out of a geographical cure, but out of necessity. I can’t see our kids in the area of town, in the schools they are in, with the kids they are around any longer.
I don’t know what all the answers are. I do know I need to find the courage to change the things that I can. I guess it takes some level of courage to look at all of this. I know that if I try to look at all of it or try to change all of it at once, it becomes too overwhelming.
One of the guys I sponsor has checked himself in detox after a lengthy relapse. I have been talking to this guy for 2 weeks about doing something different. Maybe I need to listen to myself every now and then.
Take Care….Bob D.