I knew it was only a matter of time. When hope is smashed into a thousand broken bits there is no where for it to go but on the ground. That’s where I am at again. Laying on the ground in a broken mess. My daughter had another one of her “Behavioral Rage Moments” as I now am calling them, or in laymen terms “Unruly Child”.
She felt it necessary to throw shoes, slam doors, and call her mother a “Fucking Whore” among other things.
My daughter, after I had to physically restrain her because she tried to hit me, told me I wasn’t her Dad. That she no longer had any love for me in her heart and would no longer be calling me her Dad.
The psychiatrist told us on the phone last night during an emergency call that we should call the police. I looked at my wife and said we should probably call and my wife said no. My heart sank because it was at that moment I knew that she would never call, not that night or any other night. So I am resigning myself to the fact that we are to put our lives on hold for the next 2 years when my daughter turns 18 or until graduation. This will be the day I will tell her she is no longer welcome to stay in our house.
I suppose I am still angry. I suppose I am being harsh. No one here or anywhere has the right to judge me until they have been in my world. It’s always objective when sitting on the outside and looking in.
I can’t even take my wife out to dinner because our daughter can’t be trusted to watch the house for an hour.
Our relationship is crumbling…..My family is crumbling in front of my eyes.
Someone told me to leave it all at the feet of God. I would if I could find them. I know God is somewhere but I just don’t feel it.
I try to find the positive in all of this but can’t.
As my wife cried in my arms last night, worried about me, us, our relationship, and my resolve I told her….
I am not leaving you.
I am not going anywhere, not going to the bar. Not going to Broad and Oakley to find a hit. Not taking a pill. I’m not going to watch my daughter try to drive a wedge between my wife and I.
I feel like the stereotypical step-parent. My daughter still wants others to believe that somehow I am to blame for all of this. Elizabeth you were right, it’s not my fault. I assumed to much guilt over all of this. That somehow I am to blame for everything today. Having been clean for over 4 years and have done everything in my power to make the right decisions I can with a clear conscious look at myself in the mirror and say that.
My daughter said last night that I provided nothing, nothing in the house, nothing in the home, nothing in general. “I still don’t know why you are even here”, she said.
As my son stood screaming at the steps, my daughter out of control, and my wife crying….I wondered that very thing myself.
It’s because NA and the 12 Step Program has taught me to face my problems and not run from them (even though secretly I want to). The ability to face problems is necessary to stay clean.
I don’t believe that my situation is unique. I do believe that something is going to change, I don’t know what it is but something will.
I have no idea where to go from here. I truly feel like shit. I feel like we shouldn’t have to put our lives on hold for her.
We were at the doctor’s office this morning. The doctor told her….
Lorna….This just isn’t going to keep working for you. You need to find a different way to handle your life, express yourself, your feelings. In 2 years you are going to be in the real world. I see you hitting walls there and there will be no one to pick you up because of what you have done…….
For me this was ominous…For Lorna it was just words.
I have the feeling it’s all going to come true.