Special Thanks to AJ for support.
I’ve seen many beautiful things. I’ve been a part of many ugly things. Life right now is beyond confusing, and beyond what I feel I am capable of handling, but I march on because I know nothing else….
I spent the day yesterday going over things in my mind. Not the normal movie projector of events, but rather of feelings. I heard early on in recovery that the toughest aspect was the ability to feel again. That has never been truer. I have mixed feelings about everything, every aspect of my being. A friend reminded me without love there really is nothing. I do and always will love my daughter, right now I don’t like her as a person.
I went to a meeting last night. I vented for about 5 minutes. I was in a meeting where there are people who know me, know a little about what is going on and were empathetic. One of the newer fellows told me that he was glad that I shared that I have problems and don’t find it necessary to use over them, that it gave him hope. Just when I am ready to throw that word out of my vocabulary, someone else puts it back in.
I talked about fear, guilt, and self-worth. I spoke from the heart, and told all who were listening that I am under no delusion of what would happen if I used again.
I spoke to my sponsor last night. He has a track record of me in recovery. I told him everything, especially how I felt. He had no magic words, in fact told me he wasn’t even sure what to say. I didn’t call him expecting the answer, I called him because part of my track record is telling no one how I really feel about things. I told him I would continue to march on in spite of how I felt. I really don’t see any other way because I can’t predict the future.
I would love to sit here and tell you i have pushed through all of this but I haven’t. I would love to tell you my smile is back, missing tooth and all, but it’s not. I don’t know when it will be. I can tell you I remain firm in the understanding that getting high is not an option. That all I can do is continue to do the basics.
It still amazes me how my emotions and feelings will send my thinking back to a dark place. A place where getting high and running from life, from myself, still lurk. I have a picture in my office my wife took. It is of me walking and holding hands with my 2 kids at the zoo last year. It is one of the days of peace, joy, and happiness that stay in my mind. As I sit here crying wondering when those days will return all I am left with is the feeling like my life is a dumping ground of emotions.
Some may say, you are wallowing in self-pity. To you I say Fuck You. I understand life is not a Utopia. I understand there are ups and downs. We have been dealing with this for over a year. I am worn out with it, but will find a way to deal with it with my HP, the support of NA, and people who are concerned with more than pointing out how to take another’s personal inventory.
Take Care…Bob D.