Dirty Snow

I look around at the remnants of the dirty snow, cigarette butts, and trash and am wishing the snow hadn’t begun to melt. Don’t get me wrong I am completely done with winter, but what lies beneath seems like it should stay covered.

I was talking to my HP in broken sentences last night. Coupled with the talk I heard on Wednesday and feelings I have been having it dawned on me that I am not doing all that I can in my recovery. I am not talking about the outward stuff, I have been a master at hiding what I do most of my life. I am talking about the inward stuff. The lack of manageability, the self-deceit, and anger.
I could justify a lot you but in the end it is still what it is. My inabilities.
I don’t feel connected because I don’t do the things to be connected. I pray sporadically, I don’t meditate, and when faced with something I should let go….I can’t.
I’ve been looking at this potential move in mind as a fresh start but nothing has come to pass with it and I believe it is for a reason. I believe there are things I must continue to face here, and in the here and now.
I could be wrong but that’s what it feels like. I’m still not happy with everything.
I know that solutions are provided when it is time and if I am doing my part. I also know that the emotional balance I am lacking right now is a direct result of not maintaining my Spiritual Balance.
My life seems to have that dirty snow in it, and when I want to remain cold and isolated, to keep up appearances I know it can’t last. I need to open myself more, open my mind more, and stop struggling on a daily basis with the very things that are there to help me.

I remain hopeful and steadfast that I will be a little better today than what I was yesterday.

Take Care…Bob D.