Just Another Recovering Person

Desperation

Maybe the answer doesn’t change, only the question does……

I’ve talked about it before. The 2 questions I rarely get the answers to and if I do get the answer it’s never one I like.

Why and When?

Why does this happen?
When will this happen?
Why do I feel like this?
When will this change?
So on, and So on…..

It’s like in our literature it talks about in “What is the NA Program” and the only thing we are concerned about is “What you want to do about your problem and how we can help”.

How…..

Interesting word.

How is it possible you quit using drugs….
Exactly.
Huhhh?????

Honesty
Open-mindedness
Willingness

 The cornerstone of action in the NA Program.
Today I will stop asking about why and when, and become more focused on HOW.

Today has been a decent day. I had myself almost convinced to call in after the way I felt yesterday. The pounding in my mouth has stopped. I really didn’t expect to be at the dentist that long. I didn’t expect to return to work but I ended up doing so. We are extremely short-handed at work in my department. I am super glad it is Friday. The weather here has been decent, the sun has been out and it has been warm. It would seem that spring has indeed arrived.

We talked on the phone last night to a lady about a house here outside of Columbus. She talked on the phone to my wife for about 15 minutes. After my wife got off the phone with her, she began to describe the house and talked in a lot of negative terms.

It sounds too small.
How small is too small, I inquired.
It’s too small.

I have a feeling I know where this is headed. A friend of mine printed up at least 30 postings for places. My wife would look at each one and say something about it. I would rather her just come out and say…I want to move down south, than give us both the run around. I am going to say something to her tonight about it.

I need to do some reading tonight.
I’ve been reading a few posts on WordPress about family members who have loved ones that are addicted. Their stories are moving and inspirational, to me, all in the same breath. It got me to thinking about my family.
I know of at least 2 occasions during the last year that I used that my wife called every treatment facility in town to get me help. The problem was I didn’t want help, I wanted to use. So the question simply is this….

What does desperation mean to you?

I have learned it was desperation, afterall, that made me seek recovery. I am interested in what your definition or description of desperation is.

I will give you mine in the next post.

Have a great weekend.
Bob D.

Advertisements

Comments on: "Desperation" (9)

  1. internet elias said:

    Bob…I’ve only felt desperate one time in my life. It was while I lay on the delivery table watching my little newborn son struggle for breath. Seeing his struggle didn’t spark my desperation. I was still hopeful at that point that things would turn for the better. Then I saw two men out of the corner of my eye..standing against the wall to my left. In my terrible upset..it was even hard to turn my head over towards them. So as the doctors and nurses continued to work with little Benjamin…and wondering why the two on my left were just standing there…I managed to turn and face them. I recognized one of them! I had seen him before in my garden years before on a beautiful sunny day. He was about twenty five years old. He was the specimen of health with perfect hair, eyes, and skin. I did not know the other young man. He was a little younger. But he, too, was like a picture. His hair was dark. His eyes were bright. His complexion was perfect. Then I noticed that just as I was about to meet their gaze…they both looked downward towards the floor. And they were almost in tears. They wouldn’t look at me.They were wearing burlap robes and I could see the wall through them. Then I knew! It had been decided. I would not raise this child I had just given birth to. THAT’S WHEN I FELT THE DESPERATION. I WAS HELPLESS. I COULD NOT CHANGE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO…NO…NO…CONTROL OVER THE HORRIBLE THING WHICH WAS HAPPENING!! IT WAS DONE. I WAS DEVASTATED. I THOUGHT I WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE LOSS OF MY CHILD. But the two men who stood to my left against the wall were sent from God. One was my guardian angel whom I had seen years earlier. The other was my baby’s angel. The two young men (angels/and they did not have wings) were sent from God to go with little Benjamin’s soul to the place of the Father. Then, in my DESPERATION…and because the hurt was too big to endure…I began looking for a way to survive. Then I considered that God had sent the angels. I considered that as proof that the life and death of my little one was in the hands of the big God. And the big God had revealed Himself to me by allowing me to see the reality of the ‘aliveness’ which follow physical death. I had thought I understood all of that before. But now I was experiencing it with my heart opened up…so to speak. Then I told God, ‘I trusted you! Why is this happening???’ God literally SPOKE to my mind and said in a soft and kind voice, ‘Caroly, you said you trust Me. Do you or don’t you?’ I had to wallow in my ‘desparation’ for a time. It was still hard to think. I was BROKEN! Then my heart considered things that are True. Benjamin was never MINE. I did not CREATE him. God did. And I had two other wonderful children…a son and a daugther who were PERFECT. I was being selfish. God could be TRUSTED. He would not allow this horror except for ‘good.’ So my desparation began to subside as I GAVE all of it to the kind and caring Father whom I could surely TRUST. And I said to God, “I TRUST you to raise YOUR child. He was never mine. And how like You to take one and leave two with me. Thank you, Father, for the two sweet young men you sent to care for my little one and to return him to You.’

    Bob, I realize how lengthy this has become. But I was so touched by your post. Touched by the struggle you are having. And I was reminded of how helpless we are in so many situations. I have learned, though, that many traps are laid for us by the evil one. The traps are ALWAYS destructive and hard. There is only one way out of the ‘pit.’ And it does not come by our own strength or determination. It comes when we KNOW we have powerful help. It’s then when we UNDERSTAND the depth of such HELP, that we become encouraged. We begin to KNOW that we CAN be what WE choose to be. WE begin to KNOW that the power within us is strong enough to turn our behaviors to CONSTRUCTIVE behaviors. Behaviors which build up rather than tear down. Bob, have you ever wondered why we are tempted only by things which are ‘bad’ for us?? There’s a good reason why that is true. The deceiver is a liar and he keeps himself hidden from the scene so we do not recognize that it is he…the destroyer…who is at work in our situation. We continue the behavior thinking it is our own idea. Not so. The initial time you used, it was not your own thought. It was his. He gives suggestions, justifications, and lots of ‘reasons’ why we should perform the behavior. But he does not tell us its consequences.

    Bob, NA is a good program. It goes as deep as it can into the ’emotional’ reasons for using. The program can tell you ‘how’..though, like you said, the ‘why’is harder. ‘How’ is the higher power..Christ. He is found in the Bible initially. Start reading in the New Testament book of John. As you read, over time, you will begin to understand how it all works. You will begin to understand that like the help he sent to me at my hardest time…he will send help to you. HE CAN BE TRUSTED. You have a precious and beautiful family. They love you and want to help…according to your post. But like you, they have no power to give what you need. You need to know and understand how valuable YOU are to the Father. He made ya. He loves ya. He is ready, willing, and ABLE to bring you through these hard times.

    Read and delete if you choose. Didn’t intend to be so lengthy.

    But as I said, I am touched deeply because of your struggle. Have a former coworker who was and beautiful, smart, but ‘hurting’ friend. We taught school together. She became addicted to meth after her parents divorced and after her nineteen-year-old sister died one year after being diagnosed with cancer. My sweet friend was married with three beautiful children. She lost her childen. She lost her career. She’s lost her health. Her husband describes himself as ‘a user but not addicted.’ I love her so and did all I could. Many people did all they could. But we did not have the power to get her out of the ‘pit’ she had climbed into. Only she and God can do that. My faith says that she will make it.

    Carolyn / internetelias.wordpress.com

  2. Desperation… the place we arrive at when we want something badly, no, vitally… and we are motivated to take actions we once were not willing to.

    I got my 12-step start in NA. I am a recovering addict to drugs including alcohol. Although I find more relevance personally in AA than NA, I still relate to a great deal of it and value greatly many of the readings and sayings.

    The snippet that comes to mind is one that my first sponsor helped me see… paraphrased to the best of my recollection….

    “Many of us sought help through medicine, psychiatry and religion, but none of these were sufficient for us.

    Until, finally, in DESPARATION, we sought help from one another through Narcotics Anonymous”.

    I remember that desperation very vividly. It came after kicking tires in NA for about a year. I was also at that time under the care of a doctor, psychiatrist, and attending church.

    NA does not say that medicine, psychiatry, or religion are no good. It simply says that they have proven to be insufficient for us as addicts.

    The desperation drove me to finally connect with the people of NA (‘one another’ as the reading terms it). Where on sheer blind faith, I took the advice of my sponsor and followed the paths he had walked some half-dozen years before me.

    I took actions that I once dismissed and belittled. Scoffed at. I remember my surprise when they actually worked.

    This sponsor understood God the same way I did. Yet he too got great value from working the steps. Even when the religious zealots in his world told him all he needed was Church. Nice theory, but it did not play out in real life.

    He helped me see by being a living example that the steps and program could help me and it did not compete with my faith in God as I understood him. To this day I still find this to be true.

    To me, the defining feature of true desperation is the taking of actions as a result. If we don’t take actions, I do not feel it is the desperation of which this NA quote speaks.

    I am glad to have reached desperation. Now clean and sober a number of years, I believe it was essential.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  3. Amen! And you are so correct. Church does not meet needs. Church is wood, stubble, and hay. The living Christ meets needs through giving strength and courage to overcome. Christians are told in scripture to ‘help with the help you’ve been given.’ Those who have found healing and restoration through NA are helping others fine the same paths. AWESOME. I’ve never been a drug addict. My addiction is food. There is no difference. Gluttony is sinful. Obesity is deadly. I’m not obese. But I would be if left to my ‘desires.’ Lust of the flesh is a POWERFUL lure from the evil one.

    You go, Chaz. I desire for you and your family that God ‘will be done.’ He’s a loving, merciful, and caring Father. There’s nothing better I could desire for you.

    All the best,

    Carolyn /internetelias.wordpress.com

  4. Ya Carolyn. It is sad that so many Chiristians feel they need to compete iwth the steps. Yet to me, I take them as a gift of God so selfless, that he does not even require specific recognition for them to work in a person’s life.

    I feel that tolerance for the intollerant is a pretty tall challenge. But one that has amazing rewards.

  5. internet elias said:

    Amen. Wishing you all the best , Chaz. My money is on you :smile:.

    Carolyn

  6. Elizabeth said:

    To me, Desparation is what happens when my life is so far out of balance that my body, mind and spirit are in absolute chaos.
    A moment of clarity occurs when I realize I am sitting in a cage with an open door, and I can walk out into the sun whenever I choose. Recovery is when I choose to do just that 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: