What a wierd title, but it works…..
I wrote a little about desperation and received some excellent replies. I would like to share with you my take on desperation. To do this brings up some painful memories, but I know if the pain that I put myself through helps 1 person then it was worth it……
December 18, 2005 was the last night I used. I told myself I wouldn’t end up here, again. I told myself I was only going to buy a little, do a little, and go home. 15 hours later at 5 in the morning I came out of the dopehouse. I had not been home, had not called, and had used some of my bonus money that I was going to buy Christmas gifts for my family on dope.
I looked in the mirror and realized there simply was no one left to blame. I couldn’t blame my childhood, my father, my job, my wife, my kids, my friends, my anything for this. My heart raced as I tried to think of what lie I was going to tell for this and there were no more lies.
I drove to work and told a co-worker I had not been home. He called my wife and she told him to drop me off where she worked. I sat in a chair in her office and could not look her in the face. I sat with the hood of my jacket pulled up over my head like a child.
It became clear that I had lost all control. That my entire being-body, mind, and spirit were completely broken.
I didn’t have those words then, I do today. It was that feeling of waking up day after day, getting sick in the toilet and looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “This is as good as it is going to be. I wonder who I am going to have to lie, steal, or cheat from today”?
Desperation is more than a feeling, it is a state of collapse of the human condition.
Perhaps in the next couple of posts we will look at from desperation to desire.
We went to the hockey game on Friday night. Columbus played Minnesota. Down 2-0 going into the third it did not look good. My kids were surprised how the exciting the game could be. Columbus ended up winning 4-2 in a rally. Here is a picture of Nationwide Arena…
My son and I went and volunteered at our Districts Annual Pinewood Derby Event on Saturday morning. These are the smaller, model sized cars. He is too old for it now, but we enjoy still going. When we got home bored kids forced our hand in getting out of the house. We ended up taking a drive and went to Slate Run Historical Farm. Due to the time of year it was only partially open. I snapped this photo in the sheep barn…
We ended up in Circleville and looked at a couple of houses. Nothing really panned out except the kids could see we are serious about this. We have been dropping hints left and right but I guess us all actually going out and looking made the difference. They weren’t too thrilled about it but it didn’t break down the way I thought it would.
Sunday I went to our Area Service meeting and listened for 3 hours on a course of action to rectify the theft of NA Funds from our last Area Convention. The amount in question is $3,800-$7,200 depending on how the paperwork is looked at. Our Area Chair did a phenomenal job in maintaining order, providing clear and accurate information, and not allowing the meeting to get out of hand. Obviously we would rather not have anyone steal from our fellowship. This is not the first nor the last time this has happened in NA. We dealt with the matter and I feel better knowing that not only was the matter addressed but everyone seemed to be involved in a spirit of unity.
Went to the meeting Sunday night and came home. It was quite a busy weekend. I sat on the couch last night and watched a show with my wife. It seems like it has been months since we have done that. Just sit together and take a breath. It was nice.
I hope you enjoy your Monday.
Take Care….Bob D.