Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for May, 2010

Expecting to Move Forward in Reverse

Usually when I’m in a rut I’ve had the luxury of others being around me who have let me know what works and what doesn’t to get out of it. Today, Here…I don’t have that luxury. I am relying on feelings and thoughts and what I have learned in NA. The sad thing is I have done nothing about it.

I have complained about the meetings here and haven’t been going.
I have complained of mood swings but haven’t opened my book.
I have complained of powerlessness and have not worked on a step.
I have done everything backwards and have expected to move forwards.

All that being said I know what needs to be done…I just haven’t done it. It’s not that denial and the 1st Step are conflicting in my mind, it is a pure lack of motivation and commitment on my part. I have submitted probably 40 online applications with every major company or industry and have heard nothing. These are jobs I know I am qualified for. I told my Uncle about this and he told me that folks here, although will post the positions, usually won’t hire from them because and here comes the drumroll because people here are prejudice and won’t hire blacks they need to see you face to face.

Now I am your average white guy. I never took this into consideration. I mean I never took into account that this was the norm. My friend Elz reminded me the other day that I was in the middle buckle of the Bible Belt, I guess I was just now reminded I am in the south and prejudice like this still is alive and well. It is my intention to go out next week and knock on doors and see what’s going on.

Now where does this all tie in. I am not comfortable. I don’t have a job. When I am not comfortable I tend to shrink my world in an attempt to control it to prove to myself that I’m not powerless. Odd, it took someone else from a far to point this out to me. Someone I trust, someone I know, and have known since I came to NA….My old sponsor whom could tell from just a few simple lines in an email. I’m going to call him today.

Take Care…Bob D.


Rebuking Satan

So my wife drags me to a small town called Bastrop. There is a thrift store there that is staffed by women in a recovery program and my wife’s intention is that I could talk to one of the ladies there and find out about meetings, counseling opportunities, and so on…..

We walk in to a nice, clean store and there is a woman at the counter. My husband would like to hear about meetings and what you do here…

There is an AA meeting down the street one night a week.
Do you go?
Is there NA meetings?
What meetings do you go to?
I don’t. I believe in the healing power of God. We go to church meetings and rebuke temptation and Satan.
I See….
I tried AA and NA and they don’t work…A Higher Power isn’t a lamp…It’s Jesus Christ who has the power you’re looking for.
Maybe I will stop by. Thanks for your time and your help.

I get into the car and look at my wife…..

Was she helpful?
She wanted to lay hands on me.
They rebuke Satan dear.

Let me be upfront. Church works for what church is intended for. I have a difficult time believing that I am somehow under the influence of Satan. Secondly, if I am, I am behind schedule in rituals, sacrifices, and general evil.

All kidding aside…I believe that everyone has the right to find recovery in their own manner. This particular way just isn’t for me. Most pastors, preachers, and ministers I have spoken to have come to realize that church necessarily isn’t enough. Why do you think so many 12 Step programs are held in churches? The ministry provides and invaluable outreach program by allowing meetings to take place. I spoke to Pastor Gene Brundige who told me that 12 Step Programs were a gift from God because it allows those whom wouldn’t have had a relationship with God at all at the very least will open their minds to an idea of a loving God and that was a blessing.

I always felt like if I were having a difficult day that it was a wavering of Faith. If I am human, and I am, how is it people can tell me not only that I shouldn’t feel that way and the reason I feel that way is my faith is not strong enough or it’s the Devil tempting me, that if I simply pray harder I would be better?!?
It’s like praying that the electric bill gets paid. I can pray all day long, but I pay the electric bill, not God. The last time I checked God was not a controlling partner in AEP or Centergy.

I have been to a couple of more meetings here. It is the same story, 1 or 2 people and the meeting itself is a joke because there simply is no experience in living clean. It’s not anyone’s fault, that’s just the way it is. I have decided that I will pick 2 or 3 of these meetings to attend regularly and lend my support. I will keep you posted.

Take Care.
Bob D.

How Problems Like to Travel as Well…..

There is an old saying in recovery and in life…

Where ever I go I take me with me.

I am reminded by the NA Text that:
If we had problems in the past it is unlikely that simple abstinence will solve these problems.

What this means is if I’m not addressing life issues expecting them to simply disappear by not using I am in for a world of trouble. Recovery is more than just not using, it is an active change in our thoughts and ideas of living and accepting life. Acceptance is varying based on my spiritual condition and my spiritual condition is based on my connection to a HP and a daily program for recovery.

Last night I went to a local NA meeting. All of the people there (6) are drug court ordered. One lady has over 3 years, another fellow has 1 year, another 2 years. Most have seemingly ‘been working’ their program through counselors and suggestions from the drug court. It hasn’t been brought up yet but I can tell in subtle ways that the NA Fellowship and ‘Drug Court’ are being considered or affiliated as one in the same. We talked about Step 8 last night and becoming willing to make amends to all people we had harmed by making a list.

There are a couple of people there that are trying to make me feel welcome, but the truth is I feel like the outsider. I know this is natural and it is something I need to work through. I have only been to 2 meetings here since we arrived. The work in moving has just been tremendous. I have a schedule and plan on attending all the meetings in the area, which equate to roughly 6 or 7 and find a few that I like.

Lorna has been seemingly well until last night. Same old story, caught her smoking in the bathroom. She got mad, threw her laptop and broke it. I took her phone away and she took the laptop away by breaking it so it’s one less thing she has now. She spent the next hour crying, screaming, begging, threatening…all in an attempt to get her last link to the outside world back.
My solution was simple…..

I went to bed with it in my pocket.

Lorna is just going to have to deal with things based on her actions. We had her removed from 2 of the medications she was on before we left. She was taking too much medication for a simple problem…
She wasn’t getting her way.
There is no medication for being told ‘No’.

I received some news from Columbus that the picture that was entered into the Art Show sold for $200. Half of the proceeds will go to the gallery. I didn’t even want to sell it, the gallery director ended up doing it with my blessing and I am happy that it generated some money for them.

Maybe in the next couple of days I will share some road stories with you about the move. My son rode in the truck with me the entire way. What an adventure for both him and I. He finally got to see the Mississippi River from a view he could see. My jaw was just as open as his.

To all of the people on here whom are my friends and confidants…Thanks for taking time out of your lives to read a little about mine.

Peace…..Bob D.

I Have Arrived….

It has been too long since talking to you. I hope this post finds you all well. I have a lot of reading to catch up on and wanted to let you all know that we have moved safely and successfully. It has been quite an ‘adventure’ or struggle based on perspective. I have endless stories to tell all of you as well as some pictures of the new place, as soon as I find the camera!

I need to get a few things down if only for myself. I miss home. I miss my support group and my friends. I miss my mother whom I found out broke her wrist in a fall 2 days ago. I am a bit depressed which I thought would happen. It kind of came to a head last night. I have run the spectrum of emotions in the past week and a half and my emotions and thoughts have me worn out.

I found an NA meeting here on Tuesday and will go to another tonight. This has been I think the biggest problem, not going to meetings on a regular basis over the course of the last 3 weeks. There has just been sooo much work that had to be done. People kept lovingly telling me how big this all was and I blew them off, including you all, thinking I could handle it on my own. The thoughts and feelings of it all that is and the reality is I can’t. I haven’t been talking much, not eating right, not very patient, and resentful.

With that being said I am looking out my window to the backyard which has a fence that the previous tenants hand painted beautiful murals on and a fountain which I intent on getting working again. At night I see the stars and hear tree frogs instead of seeing smog and hearing police sirens.

Life is constantly changing, evolving. I need to move on in spite of how I feel. Not ignore it, but acknowledge it for what it is and move forward.

I am going to read your posts now and will start with the updates, stories, and pics shortly.

Take Care….Bob D.

An Update

I took a break in packing this morning for 2 reasons. One I am tired of it and two I pulled a muscle in my back. I thought I would take a few moments to let you know what has been going on. I thought I wouldn’t post again until after we had arrived in Louisiana, but I have discovered how much I miss writing each day.

This has been an emotional time for me. My last day at work was the 23rd of April. It was very difficult saying farewell to work colleagues. I had been in that position almost 4 years and didn’t realize how many people I knew not just there but in downtown and through work related contacts. I know that I will miss them and they will miss me. It is a gift on one hand to know this but it doesn’t change the way it feels. It is still painfull too say good-bye or farewell to folks.

We have been busy packing, and making arrangements for the truck, which is now set at May 10th. I expect to be in Louisiana by the 12th. The kids, especially David have been helpful in getting things squared away. I will be going to their schools this week to do their paperwork for release. I have been on the phone with schools, utilities, and any assortment of individuals.

We had dinner with my father on this past Friday. It was very difficult for me. We have had a strained relationship over the years and my father has made a choice not to be actively involved in my life or his grandchildren’s lives. He is still my father and looked older and tired. Not in the best of condition. As we were driving away I felt a sense of closure with him. I also felt that my HP was letting me know that this would be the last time I would see my father alive. I told my wife this. She looked at me and smiled and said, ‘I believe you are right, are you ok?’
I said yes, and I glanced at him one more time…..For whatever happened or didn’t happen…He is still my Dad.

I went to my home group and told everyone my date for leaving. I spoke at a meeting in Deleware, Ohio last night and said goodbye to some folks there. Tonight will be tough because I am going to a meeting that I helped start a year or so ago. I say that not out of ego, or that it will hurt more because I started it. It’s because of these facts I have met everyone who has walked through that door for the past year. We have had good success at that meeting with people staying clean so I know a number of them. My sponsor will be there and I keep putting off what I need to say to him because it will hurt too much.

Well I wanted to let you know what was going on and get some of this out. I hope all of you are well, and I will let you know as soon as we arrive.

Take Care….
Bob D.