Just Another Recovering Person

Usually when I’m in a rut I’ve had the luxury of others being around me who have let me know what works and what doesn’t to get out of it. Today, Here…I don’t have that luxury. I am relying on feelings and thoughts and what I have learned in NA. The sad thing is I have done nothing about it.

I have complained about the meetings here and haven’t been going.
I have complained of mood swings but haven’t opened my book.
I have complained of powerlessness and have not worked on a step.
I have done everything backwards and have expected to move forwards.

All that being said I know what needs to be done…I just haven’t done it. It’s not that denial and the 1st Step are conflicting in my mind, it is a pure lack of motivation and commitment on my part. I have submitted probably 40 online applications with every major company or industry and have heard nothing. These are jobs I know I am qualified for. I told my Uncle about this and he told me that folks here, although will post the positions, usually won’t hire from them because and here comes the drumroll because people here are prejudice and won’t hire blacks they need to see you face to face.

Now I am your average white guy. I never took this into consideration. I mean I never took into account that this was the norm. My friend Elz reminded me the other day that I was in the middle buckle of the Bible Belt, I guess I was just now reminded I am in the south and prejudice like this still is alive and well. It is my intention to go out next week and knock on doors and see what’s going on.

Now where does this all tie in. I am not comfortable. I don’t have a job. When I am not comfortable I tend to shrink my world in an attempt to control it to prove to myself that I’m not powerless. Odd, it took someone else from a far to point this out to me. Someone I trust, someone I know, and have known since I came to NA….My old sponsor whom could tell from just a few simple lines in an email. I’m going to call him today.

Take Care…Bob D.

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Comments on: "Expecting to Move Forward in Reverse" (6)

  1. Elizabeth said:

    Realizing that you are in a rut is the first step to getting out of one. I am proud of you for your high level of self-awareness. David always says that work is to a man what weight is to a woman. When he is out of the job I can see that stress behind his eyes all the time. I don’t know when you sent in those resumes but I would begin the follow up calls. Give it a month (unfortunetly)for the hiring process to begin bearing fruit and calming your fears. Moving is the most stressful thing. In fact, I am typing this from our new apartment. We moved yesterday and I went to bed after 18 hours of stress both good and bad. I woke up feeling hungover and exhausted. For obvious reasons you have been in my thoughts as I know what it’s like to move from the north to the south. You will eventually come to love your new life, but unforrtunetly that day is in the future. Right now you are completely off your routine, unemployed and alone. We all fear change. Even good change is terrifying. Know that you don’t have to “make these feelings go away” or “smile and be happy”. You can feel like shit. Just know that THAT is OK too. I feel like the positive changes we have both made in our lives shine so much brighter during the hard times. Neither of us could have gone through the last 24 hours without falling into some really bad behavior. Dont forget how strong you are.

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Thanks Elz…you are like a voice of reason in the dark.
      Much Love…

  2. Bob… I’ve been in the limbo it sounds like you are in. Stuck churning in the thoughts of what I should do. Then talking about it. And blogging about it. Then thinking some more. Then making plans to do something. Then thinking about those plans. Then talking about those plans. Then repeat.(am I on the right path here bro?).

    I am not criticizing. Just relating.

    Nowhere in the list above is the DOING. When I recognize that I have set a foot on the slippery slope of the do-nothing loop of internal dialogue. I remind myself of one of my early recovery Mantra(s?) that I lived by. “Its in the DOING”, is what I would remind myself. Then I immediately shut off my brain and turn on my body. I no longer take advice from my head. And I just go. Go to….

    – a meeting
    – the phone to book coffee with someone
    – the gym
    – the bookshelf
    – to someone in need who I can help.

    Thats it. No more talk, no more thinking, no more plans.

    The next talk will not be a forecast of what I should or am gonna do. It is a history report of what I DID DO.

    I did this just today. Crappy day at work and I wanted to crash on the couch and do nothing. So I shut off my brain, jumpped on my bike, and did a 40-minute circiut ride. My perspective is way different and I am motivated again to do productive things.

    Not trying to lay a heavy on you bro. Just telling you straight what sounds like similar experiences and this is what works for me. Call it a suggestion.

    Ciao 🙂

    Chaz

  3. Thank you for reminding us that life is not a bed of roses even in recovery. The difference is you can feel bad without using. This is success. That you have a person you can call. This is success. That you are alive to complain. This is success. I wish you further success in your recovery. This too..is success.

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