Usually when I’m in a rut I’ve had the luxury of others being around me who have let me know what works and what doesn’t to get out of it. Today, Here…I don’t have that luxury. I am relying on feelings and thoughts and what I have learned in NA. The sad thing is I have done nothing about it.
I have complained about the meetings here and haven’t been going.
I have complained of mood swings but haven’t opened my book.
I have complained of powerlessness and have not worked on a step.
I have done everything backwards and have expected to move forwards.
All that being said I know what needs to be done…I just haven’t done it. It’s not that denial and the 1st Step are conflicting in my mind, it is a pure lack of motivation and commitment on my part. I have submitted probably 40 online applications with every major company or industry and have heard nothing. These are jobs I know I am qualified for. I told my Uncle about this and he told me that folks here, although will post the positions, usually won’t hire from them because and here comes the drumroll because people here are prejudice and won’t hire blacks they need to see you face to face.
Now I am your average white guy. I never took this into consideration. I mean I never took into account that this was the norm. My friend Elz reminded me the other day that I was in the middle buckle of the Bible Belt, I guess I was just now reminded I am in the south and prejudice like this still is alive and well. It is my intention to go out next week and knock on doors and see what’s going on.
Now where does this all tie in. I am not comfortable. I don’t have a job. When I am not comfortable I tend to shrink my world in an attempt to control it to prove to myself that I’m not powerless. Odd, it took someone else from a far to point this out to me. Someone I trust, someone I know, and have known since I came to NA….My old sponsor whom could tell from just a few simple lines in an email. I’m going to call him today.
Take Care…Bob D.