Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for June, 2010

More Effort Needed

It’s been awhile since my last post, and I apologize. It’s not that a lot has gone on but enough to fill the days and hours. My new job is a backbreaker. I told my wife that it has been a number of years that I have had to work this hard for the rate of pay I have been given, in essence, they are getting their money’s worth.

The weather here, as it is across the south, has been at times unbearable. It was 102 here today with a heat index of 110 or so.

I spoke on Saturday at the NELA Area of NA’s 5th annual fish fry. It was attended by about 12 people. I am slowly coming to understand that this area is just not as big, nor does it simply have a large recovery community. Although drug court plays a role in where people attend, AA or NA, it seems people gravitate more towards AA.

I realize now I will have to work or put more effort into recovery being in a smaller community. It’s just that simple. I still am not sure what to do about a sponsor, there is one person here I may consider, but it’s nothing more than that for right now.

My wife is going stir crazy as she has still not found work. The kids being out of school is not helping this situation either. I know she is doing the best she can.

I had a great Father’s Day. I spoke to my dad on the phone for a half hour which is 20 minutes more than we usually do. I have had more contact with family since I left then when I lived in Ohio. It’s kind of sad actually. I received a nice email from my sister providing some encouragement and for right now my hope is in a better place than it has been in a while.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care…Bob D.


Ain’t Livin’ Long Like This Am I Baby?

It’s been a few days since my last post. I am still clean, above and beyond anything else, without that nothing is possible.

He slipped the handcuffs on behind my back
And left me reeling on a steel reel rack
They got’em all in the jailhouse baby
Ain’t living long like this
Can’t live at all like this, can I baby?

Grew up in Houston off the wayside drives
Son of a carhop and some all night dives
Dad drove a stock car to an early death
All I remember was a drunk man’s breath
Ain’t living long like this
Can’t live at all like this,can I baby?

I played this Waylon Jennings tune in so many dives it’s impossible to remember them all. I remember being hopped up on something one night and looking at the lead singer as he sang. He looked back at me with that look like he was singing it especially for me that night…..I closed my eyes and knew that the song somehow told an important chapter in my life that I refused to believe…Under the lights playing music, I could live forever.

My playing days are long behind me now. I heard this song driving down an old gravel back road the other night. Funny, it still holds some meaning today. A memory of days watching folks drink themselves into oblivion while trying to create a memory and capture a feeling.

The house has been quiet. I would like to thank all of those who support me in my journey, especially Elz and David. My daughter hasn’t really said a whole lot about anything. All of our family here is aware of what happened, why it happened, and have been supportive. All of them have told my daughter that if her behavior is going to be like this, that she is not welcome in their homes to which she was quite surprised. They told her that they do not want her around if she is going to be disrespectful and violent toward us.
I think she got the message.

I don’t want to minimize my part in this whole thing. I could have handled my anger better but I know that for any of you who have read this or any other one of my blogs, we have been dealing with this as parents for almost 3 years now. I don’t feel that it is anyone’s place to judge me or criticize me unless you have walked in my shoe’s. Some would say it is a question of faith and prayer, others medicine and psychology, and still some parenting in general. I would say to you, if this problem were to develop in your home and you are faced with it, when you lay down at night and pain of living like that is so great you are ready to walk away from everything…then we will chat.

I continue to search for recovery here. I feel that I was fortunate to have early recovery in an environment like Columbus because it has been the fuel and at times the fumes that have kept me going here. I picked back up my book and have read a little. The brighter note is I did discover why the meetings here are so poorly attended. There is really no PR work that has been done to speak of. I am trying to open a meeting in a town about 30 miles from here that has 2 treatment facilities but yet no meetings.

 I have traveled to meetings 60 miles roundtrip from where I currently live and have met some nice folks along the way. I still believe that folks here have ‘Drug Court’ and NA confused but it’s not me having to get a slip signed now is it?

My first day at work was Friday. I was apprehensive about going in. I worked hard and paid attention. In doing that I was given a dollar an hour raise my first day. I am good at what I do, and it all came back to me in a matter of hours. It’s just a matter of learning their system.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care….Bob D.

What Kind of Serenity Did God Give Me?

I’d like to say some positive things before the negative. It seems there has been too much negativity the past couple of days. I found a job. I went and took a drug screen and am waiting for them to send the results back to my potential employer, no worries.

I slapped my daughter the other night. Right across the face. Hard enough it left a hand print. She had hit her mother, another night erupted into shouting, obscenities, and this was the result. I snapped. I lost all control of myself. We had to call the police, and the police here make no bones about options. They also made no bones as to who was the one who would go to jail and it wasn’t me. The Sheriff’s office told us my daughter could be charged with felony assault. That we had 2 choices this time only. She could go to jail or to a relatives house. If they are called out again she will go to jail, there is no second option. In my defense, what little I can muster now, she did swing at me and throw an object but the end result was I had enough of her trying to bully her mother and I with her threats, her actions, and most of all her mouth. This isn’t the first time she has ‘Went Off’. I have blogged about it before, but this is the first time I stood up and said no more and defended myself and her mother physically.

 We have tried medicine, psychiatry, and other adults talking to her and it has resulted in nothing. When I told her the other night to stop what she was doing and she looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Fuck you motherfucker, get away from me, I wasn’t fucking talking to you’, I felt like I needed to send a message that wouldn’t ever be misunderstood.

I felt worthless the next day. All of the family were involved and to make it worse it was my son’s 12th birthday. I am thankful he wasn’t home at the time to see all of it. I had to look at all of the new family members here as they looked at my daughter’s face and then looked at me. In the 4 1/2 years I have been clean I have only wanted to use more than what I did that day one other time.

A family member pulled me aside and said, ‘ I don’t know you very well but I haven’t ever seen you get angry. I believe what she did justified what you did, no one here thinks any less of you’. I wish these words could have provided the comfort they were intended to bring, but they didn’t.

I sit here today at a crossroads. I tried to say the serenity prayer but my mind is telling me that I am too far gone for that, God has left, and there is no serenity to pass out to you. The disease is telling me that all hope is lost, that this is just the tip of what is to come, so why even try anymore. I am doubting everything right now and feel like giving up.

Is It Their Recovery or Yours???

I made a desperate phone call the other night to my sponsor in Ohio. I still consider him my sponsor and my friend. It went something like this.

Meetings are different here.
How so?
Not many people, drug court ordered, some meetings only last 20 minutes.
Have you been going to meetings?
On and Off.
Well is it their meetings or your meeting?
Is it their NA or your NA?

Ahhh..Just when my points of justification are at their sharpest, here comes some smart-ass to remind me I’m still self-centered enough to believe I think I have it all figured out.

Is it their recovery or my recovery?

I had mentioned in another post all the things I hadn’t been doing and was reminded by friends here and other places that I can always talk about doing them, it’s actually doing them that’s another. So I went to a meeting and there was me and another person there and we sat and talked about recovery.

Too often we can become ‘fixated’ on what a meeting is or isn’t. I have truly learned what it means when the NA Text talks about a meeting is one addict sharing their recovery with another addict. What is it we think happened when recovery meetings were first formed? In early AA meetings were held in different peoples homes and folks sat and talked about their problems of that day or week. In NA, meetings were held to the same accord. In early NA in Kansas City, Kansas meetings were held in the basements and attic’s of homes of people. Today we can get caught up in the ‘Political Correctness’ if you will of a meeting by the readings, chairpersons statement, group reports, and so on. It’s not that these aren’t needed, it’s just for me a stark reminder of what the 5th Tradition really is:

Our groups ought have but 1 primary purpose; To help carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

On another note, I have a job interview today at 2pm. I will let you know the details when I have them. I haven’t said anything about it because I just don’t want to get my hopes up.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Bob D.