Just Another Recovering Person

I’d like to say some positive things before the negative. It seems there has been too much negativity the past couple of days. I found a job. I went and took a drug screen and am waiting for them to send the results back to my potential employer, no worries.

I slapped my daughter the other night. Right across the face. Hard enough it left a hand print. She had hit her mother, another night erupted into shouting, obscenities, and this was the result. I snapped. I lost all control of myself. We had to call the police, and the police here make no bones about options. They also made no bones as to who was the one who would go to jail and it wasn’t me. The Sheriff’s office told us my daughter could be charged with felony assault. That we had 2 choices this time only. She could go to jail or to a relatives house. If they are called out again she will go to jail, there is no second option. In my defense, what little I can muster now, she did swing at me and throw an object but the end result was I had enough of her trying to bully her mother and I with her threats, her actions, and most of all her mouth. This isn’t the first time she has ‘Went Off’. I have blogged about it before, but this is the first time I stood up and said no more and defended myself and her mother physically.

 We have tried medicine, psychiatry, and other adults talking to her and it has resulted in nothing. When I told her the other night to stop what she was doing and she looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Fuck you motherfucker, get away from me, I wasn’t fucking talking to you’, I felt like I needed to send a message that wouldn’t ever be misunderstood.

I felt worthless the next day. All of the family were involved and to make it worse it was my son’s 12th birthday. I am thankful he wasn’t home at the time to see all of it. I had to look at all of the new family members here as they looked at my daughter’s face and then looked at me. In the 4 1/2 years I have been clean I have only wanted to use more than what I did that day one other time.

A family member pulled me aside and said, ‘ I don’t know you very well but I haven’t ever seen you get angry. I believe what she did justified what you did, no one here thinks any less of you’. I wish these words could have provided the comfort they were intended to bring, but they didn’t.

I sit here today at a crossroads. I tried to say the serenity prayer but my mind is telling me that I am too far gone for that, God has left, and there is no serenity to pass out to you. The disease is telling me that all hope is lost, that this is just the tip of what is to come, so why even try anymore. I am doubting everything right now and feel like giving up.

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Comments on: "What Kind of Serenity Did God Give Me?" (6)

  1. Thank you for sharing this heart-wrenching post. Please don’t give up. I know it feels like God has left you, but He has not. You ARE worthy. It is important to forgive yourself as we have been forgiven. Please don’t give up.

    ——————————————————————————–
    1 Peter 5:10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

  2. schildan said:

    I have little to offer in the way of personal experience, but I have a few thoughts that I hope might be slightly helpful.

    You said at the end of your post that you feel like “God has left.” Well, that’s not possible if He was there in the first place. The Bible says that true Christians are indwelt with the Holy Spirit; God Himself actually lives inside us. If you have access to a Bible (which you do, if you have internet access) you might want to read Romans 8:12-17. There are some very important truths in this passage that explain a Christian’s relationship with God.

    You are a perfect candidate for becoming a true Christian if you are not one already, because you are acutely aware of your sin and want to change (in fact it looks like you have already made a number of positive changes).
    ________________________________
    2 Corinthians 7:10 “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.”

    One final word about your daughter. The only thing that will “fix” her ultimately will be her own decision to repent. You can’t force her to do that of course, but you can be an example. Make sure that she sees, in one way or another, how upset you are with yourself for hitting her. Perhaps your example of repentance will lead her to repent. I’m praying for you.

  3. Elizabeth said:

    I care a lot about you. A LOT. But I can’t make this better and neither can “god”. You just need to sit tight with these awful feelings until they pass my friend. Trust that once you start your new job a LOT of the fear and stress you feel will dissapate.
    Way to go finding work by the way! Monroe’s economy isn’t exactly booming right now! You must have really impressed them 🙂
    Just hang on until you start your job. Being unemployed is a big contributor to the pain you’re feeling. When do you start?

  4. schildan said:

    Finding a job is good. It will help–a little bit. But it can’t solve the real problems. It cannot provide ultimate meaning to one’s life, assure them that their soul is safe after death, or abolish their sins. Only God can do all of that.
    ___________________________________
    John 16:66-69
    From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. Then Jesus said to the twelve, ” do you also want to go away?”
    But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe and know that you are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

  5. Elizabeth said:

    I can assure you that life DOES have ultimate meaning without God.
    Why must we be so afraid of death that we have to imagine ourselves to never die but live forever?

  6. Bob,

    You have consciousness and that is what is important. If this had happened and you felt nothing then you should be worried. Elizabeth is right – these feelings are huge and valid. And once they have been processed you will come out the other side.

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