I’d like to say some positive things before the negative. It seems there has been too much negativity the past couple of days. I found a job. I went and took a drug screen and am waiting for them to send the results back to my potential employer, no worries.
I slapped my daughter the other night. Right across the face. Hard enough it left a hand print. She had hit her mother, another night erupted into shouting, obscenities, and this was the result. I snapped. I lost all control of myself. We had to call the police, and the police here make no bones about options. They also made no bones as to who was the one who would go to jail and it wasn’t me. The Sheriff’s office told us my daughter could be charged with felony assault. That we had 2 choices this time only. She could go to jail or to a relatives house. If they are called out again she will go to jail, there is no second option. In my defense, what little I can muster now, she did swing at me and throw an object but the end result was I had enough of her trying to bully her mother and I with her threats, her actions, and most of all her mouth. This isn’t the first time she has ‘Went Off’. I have blogged about it before, but this is the first time I stood up and said no more and defended myself and her mother physically.
We have tried medicine, psychiatry, and other adults talking to her and it has resulted in nothing. When I told her the other night to stop what she was doing and she looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Fuck you motherfucker, get away from me, I wasn’t fucking talking to you’, I felt like I needed to send a message that wouldn’t ever be misunderstood.
I felt worthless the next day. All of the family were involved and to make it worse it was my son’s 12th birthday. I am thankful he wasn’t home at the time to see all of it. I had to look at all of the new family members here as they looked at my daughter’s face and then looked at me. In the 4 1/2 years I have been clean I have only wanted to use more than what I did that day one other time.
A family member pulled me aside and said, ‘ I don’t know you very well but I haven’t ever seen you get angry. I believe what she did justified what you did, no one here thinks any less of you’. I wish these words could have provided the comfort they were intended to bring, but they didn’t.
I sit here today at a crossroads. I tried to say the serenity prayer but my mind is telling me that I am too far gone for that, God has left, and there is no serenity to pass out to you. The disease is telling me that all hope is lost, that this is just the tip of what is to come, so why even try anymore. I am doubting everything right now and feel like giving up.