Just Another Recovering Person

Intimacy…. Part I

Intimacy:
Noun
-a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

-an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

A dictionary gave these two definitions for intimacy.

Bob D’s definition is:

-Fear based on thoughts and feelings

What do I mean by that you may ask? Quite simply I have had a fear of intimacy on almost any level as long as I have been alive. This is not some startling revelation. I believe we all possess some fear of intimacy on some level. Some are more open from the start, others more reserved, and then there are those who may feel if someone knew, truly knew us, they would turn away from us.

I guess from the earliest memories I have I wasn’t quite comfortable enough with myself, my family, my friends, the places I lived to make that bond or connection where passions are formed and intimacy is nurtured.
Perhaps an explanation of sorts is in order.

 I grew up in a dysfunctional home filled with drugs, violence, welfare fraud, verbal abuse and a sorted list of problems. I want to make it clear that I don’t necessarily buy whole heartedly into “The Product of the Environment” theory. I mean at some point I’m sure I had a choice but it passed me by as if I cared enough to look for it to begin with. These are not the reasons I am an addict. I am an addict because I never really liked the way I viewed myself or the world around me. In this state of mind it simply became easier to put things like intimacy on the back burner so I could deal with more pressing issues such as being self-centered.

It doesn’t mean I didn’t care, that I didn’t have passions for things. It simply means that I could not move to that next level based on past experiences. I had people tell me my whole life how I should think and feel about things. How is it I can tell someone…’You shouldn’t feel like that about this’?

Drug use certainly didn’t help fill the void where intimacy and many other things should have been. It did just the opposite. Intimacy was replaced by isolation, hope was replaced by fear, and courage was replaced by desperation.

I am certain no one has loved me any more deeply than what my mother did. But at some point, I was replaced by an alcoholic father and life. Too often we shuffle people, like cards in the pursuit of what we think we deserve. I’ve done it. I often think of all the people who passed in and out of my life who had a genuine concern for me and I dismissed them like hired help.

Could I have been intimate in my relationships with them?
Do I have the capacity to move past this fear of letting someone else in? What is this fear really based in…..
I believe it is based in rejection. That whatever I do, it will not be enough for you to like me, love me, or be with me.

Where does this come from? It could be the past. It could be my thought process. It could be that my ability to perceive others and situations is not what it should be. It has affected every relationship I have been in to this day. So where do I go from here?

More on that in my next post.

Take Care…Bob D.

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Comments on: "Intimacy…. Part I" (7)

  1. Elizabeth said:

    I relate. Though intimacy with men is all I have sought in my whole life, I have run from intimacy with women as if it would infect me in some way. Though I had some women aquaintences in AA and then NA, once I tried to know them on a deeper level, they were guarded and afraid like me. It is only recently that I have embraced friendships with women. Normal women. Can I just say that it has been scary as hell? And why???? I don’t know. Was it because my mother was so cruel that any time I dared to trust her she would pull the rug out from under me? Was it genetic? I don’t know…
    As to what you should do, I can only add that you should never seek to stop a quality of yourself that is not to your liking. It is a part of you and will never go away. Instead seek to accept it about yourself and go about your life with compassion for it. Its all I can do when my best friend lisa tells me whe loves me and I feel like I want to jump out the window.

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Thanks for your input on this…I am sure Part II will reveal more.

  2. Great post. I can relate. Love you bud. Glad you’re still fighting the good fight!!

  3. Elizabeth said:

    It’s my 32nd birthday today! Don’t you have one coming up?

  4. beyondtheendoftheroad said:

    Thanks!

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