Just Another Recovering Person

Do you care if I texture your hair, she asked in a deep southern draw.
Uhhh…I guess it’s ok.
It will take some of the weight off the front of it.
Ok…I guess.

Growing up I went to a vocational school that I have never used the trade I went for in the first place, accounting. There were several girls that I knew that were enrolled in cosmetology. Always looking for a willing participant and myself liking the fact that their boobs pressed against me while they cut my hair, it seems I couldn’t get my hair to grow fast enough in those days to volunteer to be a ‘Hair Test Dummy’ as often as I would have liked.

It’s a good thing I paid a little attention back in those days because I saw the stylist today using thinning shears and referring to it as ‘Texturing’ my hair. There is still nothing better than getting a hair cut even today, and it has nothing to do with the boobs….really.

I turned 42 this past Wednesday. Not really a milestone as turning 40 was but none the less another year older, a little wiser, and I actually feel like I’m in half decent shape for my age other than I am still too fond of AMP Energy drinks and smoking.

My diet has changed. I’m not eating as much junk food as I once did. I’ve lost some weight, do mainly to the fact of the heat and sweating profusely at work. My wife has lost weight as well and our relationship is at it’s best. It has shown recently with our passion for one another and my willingness to be more intimate with people in general.

Intimacy is a choice. I have come to understand that. It means that not all of my relationships are or have to be intimate. There are people who are involved in my life on many different levels. I think that the thought process of ‘It’s all or nothing’ is what had set myself up for rejection so many years ago. In that rejection I found a form of desperation that would simply feed off of each emotion. It set forth a series of complex thought processes that simply weren’t true.

It has taken time and will take more time to chip away at the layers of my being. The walls of insecurity that I built over time have been slowly lowered row by row, brick by brick. It is my hope that one day I will be able to listen, love, and understand more with my heart than with my mind.

Things are ok. My daughter continues to work and has had some moments but nothing like I posted about in June.
My son continues with summer football conditioning.
My wife is still looking for work.

Me…I’m getting by. My life is not nearly as full as it was a few months ago, which really now seems like an eternity ago. Time is a funny thing. It feels like we have been here forever but in reality we have only been here a little over 2 months. When I as younger there was all the time in the world, and now I’m a little older and guess what….I still have all the time in the world.

Take Care,
Bob D.


Comments on: "Intimacy…Part III or Texturing My Hair at 42" (7)

  1. Elizabeth said:

    Happy Birthday Bob. I know you may not see it but you are very clearly settling into your new home and I am very proud of you. Do you think it has helped Lorna a little bit? Does David like football training? COnnor starts soon so I was just wondering.

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      I think Lorna not being in the house 24/7 is what has helped. She had way too much time on her hands to sit and think about all that was left behind.
      David likes conditioning, we will see how he feels about things after the pads go on, it may be another story.

  2. Hello, Bob. Thank you for this post and the previous one. Hmmmm – “intimacy is a choice” is an interesting statement. It CAN be a choice – but, I’m afraid, isn’t always available to everyone. Depending on your childhood/life experiences, intimacy may be very difficult. First, you have to feel safe, in order to be intimate. AND, you have to feel good enough about yourself that you want to share – that you feel you have something to share and give. My daughter, Hayley, has now been sober for ~ 70 days. She recently told me that she never felt comfortable in her own body. I think that that feeling was the foundation of her seeking – – – seeking something externally that gave her confidence and self-esteem.
    Just to let you know – I am president of your fan club. Best, Peggy

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      I have a fanclub….wow.
      At any rate, I think the 3 posts in sum could point to the very direction your comment went to. I haven’t met an addicted person who hasn’t said, ‘I never felt comfortable with myself or my surroundings’ to this day.
      As always you and Hayley are in my thoughts.

      • Elizabeth said:

        hell yeah you have a fanclub! Do you think i am in touch with one single person from the rooms or from myspace? think again. I haven’t seen or talked to dee, Will, carolyn, sherrie, or that crazy AA guy from houston whose name escapes me now in like 2 years. You’re IT.

      • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

        Well Thanks for your never ending support my dear!

  3. Hey Bob…. dont sweat the age thing. Although doesnt really sound like you are.

    A retired, successful relative who I look up to a great deal once said, “you don’t know shit til you’re 40”. And this was on the heals of being in senior management of a number of companies in his profession.

    Glad to hear you finding pleasure in the little things like hair cuts. I do too.



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