Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for August, 2010

Here to Stay


As we drove past the houses of those much better off than me a tear came to my eyes….It was at that point I realized I could not provide her with this. What she really wanted or deserved, and unless the lottery came through with a lump sum, these might as well have been palaces made of gold. For right now we are where we are. Maybe we will buy a house someday, if we can afford to…Today just isn’t that day.

We drove past some places last night. Houses in a subdivision called Frenchman’s Bend. Built on a golf course for those who like to look at that sort of thing out of their rear windows. We ohhhed and ahhhed over some of them. I realize I can’t afford anything like that. I wondered what those people did for a living that afforded them that kind of house?

I am working for less money than I did up north, so is my wife. Some things are less expensive, others more. I’m not sure how it is all going to play out. I mean we are here now, and I believe I would be in worse shape if I tried to move back. We haven’t talked about that, I believe we are here to stay.

I told my wife about a past credit card this week. The guilt had been eating me alive. I hate money right now…….

Funny I’m down to a post a week and I thought I had so much to write about and I don’t. My life is changing, I am changing. Most days during the week I am so tired from work I come home and eat, watch a little tv, and then bed. The weekends are regulated to housework and the occasional something and then it’s back to the workweek.
I haven’t been attending as many meetings as I would like. I continue to do what I know to do. I believe I am going to look into AA. I just can’t seem to find what I am looking for here in NA with 2 people sitting in the room. My heart tells me I am giving up on the fellowship that helped save my life, but I need to be more practical than that.
We will see what happens.

I hope this post finds you all well.

Bob D.

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Resentment’s, Sex, and Bad Mexican Food


It’s 6:11 a.m. and I am up. Don’t ask why, I just am. Well you can ask why but all it will do is lead to a rant about resentment’s, sex, and bad mexican food not necessarily in that order…..

Being 42 I have learned a little about sex and relationships and this is what I know…Sex is overrated. Guys spend too much time thinking, talking and plotting about sex. Society uses sex to sell every major product we consume. Teenagers are worried about the mysteries of sex and losing their virginity at younger and younger ages. As for me, I’m just sitting here at 6:11 a.m. writing about it.

My wife got a job. She is working for a local construction company doing their accounting. She said the guy reminds her of her last boss. Looks like him, talks like him, acts like him. Should be interesting.

The kids started school this week. They get on the bus at 7 a.m. which means it is wake up time here of around 6 a.m., which means I am up at 5:30…This may explain why I am up at 6:11.

Work continues to go ok. I went to a meeting on Thursday which consisted of 3 people including myself. I’m past the part of meetings here being extremely small, the thing that is getting me is the lack of experience or talking about ‘phases’ in recovery. I get resentful that I have the most clean time in a room and am looked at to lead the conversations on things. I guess I could be just lazy and want to hide in meetings or have solutions provided for me. Maybe I am spoiled because I came from a larger area where this happens.

At any rate…there is really not much going on. My daughter has made no mention of the incident from a couple of weeks ago which kind of leads me to believe nothing improper happened.

I hope you are all doing well, I am off to read posts.

Take Care….Bob D.

beLIEve


Something happened this week I have been hesitant to post about….but I will.

We went over to our relatives on Tuesday. My son went out to play with friends and my daughter said she was going for a walk. Not 15 minutes later she comes in the door in tears. She goes to a back bedroom and shuts the door. I go back to check on her because she is so visibly upset. She tells me she can’t tell me what happened because she is scared.

After assuring her it would be ok she tells me that a relative who lives in the neighborhood touched her inappropriately. My world stopped turning…..

This relative had been sitting with us less than 20 minutes prior to this talking and laughing. I think a little info maybe necessary to put things into light. I like this person. I respect him. I feel he is good-hearted. I trust him. He has been nothing but good to our family, our kids. His wife is an angel. The thing is he is a poker. When I say poker I mean he will poke you in the ribs, grab your shoulders, pull your hair teasingly, all of this to the point of irritation. I am sure you may know someone like this. He will also stand in front of doorways as to not let anyone pass as he does this.

My daughter said she walked up on this porch and he grabbed her IPod. Then he began poking on her and blocked the door. That he pinched her stomach and then ‘Attempted to put his hand down her shorts’. I called my wife into the room and we sat and listened and talked with her. My stomach turned as my anger raised not quite sure what to believe and not to believe.

Now before anyone jumps to judgement, for those of you who read my blog you will know my daughter has her own set of emotional problems, has caused great hurt with lies, and does not like the fact we moved here. Deciphering all of this and trying to make sense out of it I knew that if I jumped the gun in either direction that it could be disastrous.

I asked my wife…..’What do you believe?’

We left and went home. My wife and I discussed this well into the night. I talked to my HP about it. I thought about it the next day at work. When I arrived home my wife and I made a final decision on this. This is what I believe….

Whatever my daughter thought happened to her was real. I don’t think anything inappropriate happened. I think that this relative did his poke and prod routine on her, which she can’t stand to be touched like that anyway, and blocked the door she began to freak out. She thought something was going to happen. I told my daughter that if she wanted to confront this person with the authorities that her mother and I would stand side by side with her. To this she said no, that she never wanted to go back to their house. I told her that if she was going to make that type of accusation, that she would have to face him at some point. She said no.

We have tried to let this die down. To see how my daughter acts. She has acted normally since. I truly believe that this person did not do anything wrong, and I believe my daughter thought something was wrong. Then my wife brought up an interesting question….

‘You don’t think she would make something like this up in an attempt to get us to leave do you’?

Bob D.

Pleased to Meet You…..


 

My name is Bob D, what’s yours…… 

Sometimes friends come in all shapes, sizes , and forms. This is Wally, the new family dog that my wife rescued from the ‘Dog Pound’ in Bastrop, LA. I guess you could call it a pound if you want, it was more a dumping ground. Most states do well in managing pounds through the Humane Society but according to Jeff Dorson, Director of the Humane Society for Louisiana this state is far behind the times in humane care for animals. Most localities (Parishes) are responsible for their own districts, but there is a huge lack of funding and to be honest most animals are left to die. 

I am not a crusader of animals by any stretch of the imagination. As a younger person I was cruel and inhumane to animals myself. A fact I am certainly not proud of. Part of my amends has been to help out when I can and to treat our animals that our family has had with love and care. 

Wally sat in a pen surrounded by other dogs in a terrible shape. He was heavily infested with sores, fleas, and ticks. I had told my wife that we could get a dog when we moved here but I wanted a smaller, quite dog. As my wife sat on our bed and cried begging me not to make her take him back I could only wonder what kind of dog she had brought home. Probably a high-strung mutt who would eat and destroy everything in sight. 

Wally is the most gentle, soulful dog I have ever been around. I never considered animals to have a soul but when I look at this dog, when he looks at me it’s like all he ever wanted was someone to love him. Just that look like, ‘If you pet me, I will be by your side forever’. Corny and as crazy as it sounds I can’t imagine not coming home now from work and him sitting at the gate waiting to greet me. He truly is a one of a kind.I hope that all of you have a wonderful day.

Bob D.

When the Wind Blows


I have come to find out in the south that a cold front is as welcome as a cold drink of water. It’s been a little while since my last post, through no chosing of my own. During a recent storm we had a power surge and subsequently it fried the hard drive in our computer. I had considered buying a new one as this one is at least 5 years old, but I have done upgrades to it over the years. I just bought a new hard drive. What sucks the most is the catalog of pictures and files I had stored, but didn’t back up. So if by chance you are reading this, please back up your files so they aren’t lost forever.

 The days seem to come and go as they do. It has been oppressively hot here. Excessive heat warnings, record-setting temperatures, and little rain have provided me with a firm vision of Dante’s Inferno.

I sat on the porch this evening with my wife, contemplating our lives and our recent decision to move. In the end, our reasons are valid. I have learned that no matter where I go, I take me there as well. I feel ok in spirit, but not in body. I am tired, probably from the heat and lack of sleep. My back is killing me. I pulled it at work. I told myself today, I can’t take time off and I certainly can’t tell them it hurts. After cutting my hand a week or so back it would appear as if I am hunting for a workers comp claim and the bottom line is I need this job.
The economy here is worse than what I had originally thought. Unless you can work pipeline, have offshore skills, or own land it’s a crap shoot.

I remain steadfast. I would like to say that recovery meetings have been helpful but the reality is that most of the meetings here are a joke. There is little to no recovery to be found at them. I continue to work a personal program to the best of my ability and catch a meeting to remain connected. I spoke to my sponsor a few days ago and asked him if he would remain my sponsor as there are no viable candidates here. Of course he said yes.

I read, write a little on stepwork, and don’t use. I pray to the HP of my understanding to help me daily and I close my eyes when the wind blows and hope for a cold front.

Take Care….Bob D.