Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for September, 2010

The Spider, The Frog, and The Fair


At night I have become accustomed to seeing all sorts of critters and varmints. Noises and bumps in the night here in Louisiana. Sometimes in sitting outback I will see any assortment of bugs, frogs, and the like just going about their business.

There is a spider by my back door that I have been watching. Diligently she spins a web and catches things to eat. I noticed the other night how large she was getting and then the cocoon was made. I knew it wouldn’t be long as she would lay her eggs. I had forgotten that soon after she does this, the spider, dies.

I saw her sitting quietly in the web, not moving, and for a moment something washed over me…..The simplicity and complexity of life….all in the same breath. I wondered if other people saw the things I do, or if they feel the same way, or are they too caught up in the doldrums of existence to see one small spider?

 There are tree frogs that love to cling to the siding on our place. I think because the siding is cool at night. They just sit and watch me, sometimes giving out a croak as to acknowledge my existence to them. I have seen several and find them relaxing. Salamanders on the other hand seem to crawl and stop to see if I am worthy of climbing on. I have seen a few that are pretty big, but take no real interest in me.

I set up our telescope out back as the moon has been full and brilliant at night here for the past week. A front rolled through last night and it rained. I think the skies will be clear tonight and it is supposed to get cool which may hold the mosquitoes at bay.

We went to the ArkLaMiss fair last night which was ok, but rather small and expensive. I am looking more forward to the State Fair in Shreveport at the end of October. In going to the fair I had memories of us going to the Ohio State Fair and the good times we had there. When I laid down last night I found myself homesick yet again. I told myself there are a million new memories to be made here if I am open-minded about it.

I went to another AA meeting on Thursday and I spoke for the first time. I was extremely nervous and told folks that I was new to the area and commented on the 1st three steps. I spoke in general recovery terms as I have no working knowledge of AA’s Steps or Traditions. They are similar to NA but also different. I learned a long time ago, when you are in someone elses house, you respect the house you’re in, so I made no specific reference to things but was able to convey my feelings on the topic.

I had a couple of people come up to me after the meeting and talk for a moment or two, but I still remained guarded. I’ve been guarded since I got here. I feel a little more comfortable but just not yet ‘at home’.
I continue to work, pray, and talk to my HP. I continue to balk at certain things as well. Progress…..not perfection is the goal.

I hope this post finds you all well.

I Don’t Know Who Moved Your Cheese


Everything is Temporary…….

Change is constant. Sometimes I see it, feel it, realize it’s happening, and roll with it. Sometimes it creeps up on me, I don’t understand it, become frustrated with it, and wonder why it’s happening.
Change, or the acceptance of change is a sore spot for addicts. A number of years ago Spencer Johnson wrote a book entitled, ‘Who Moved My Cheese’. My boss at the time fell in love with the book and every conversation at some point centered on how that book should be read as required reading in schools, or as a company policy guideline. It got to be annoying after a while. I finally told him after one more reference to the book, ‘I don’t know who moved the damn cheese Rick, and I really don’t care’. I’d like to say I owe him an apology…but he lost the business due to bad decisions. I guess maybe he should have read the book a little more thoroughly?

The thing I take from the book is the fear that we all face in change. Haw writes on the wall of the maze, ‘What would you do if you weren’t afraid’? What would we do if we had no fear of change? Make stupid decisions or wild leaps of faith without concern for ourselves or others? A certain level of fear is natural, it is healthy. When fear becomes paralyzing it is harmful and stops our growth as individuals.

 We went yesterday and traded my wife’s old minivan in for a 2010 Dodge Journey. Dealing with car dealerships, and the whole situation itself, to me, was stressful. My wife has known for a year that we needed to dump that old car. It was just a matter of time before it completely broke down. That van did what it needed to do. Trips to Florida, trips here to Louisiana before we moved, Indianapolis, and so on. She didn’t like the fact the dealership wanted money down but they did give us more than the van was worth on trade so I think it worked out.

School here for the kids continues to be a challenge. David is struggling trying to find an identity for himself. Lorna is still holding onto Ohio as if she were still going to school there. I am reminded by family and friends that time is the only thing that will change this. I have been helping David with homework and have pretty much dropped riding my daughter about embracing her new environment. She is 16 and a half, she will find her own way when she is ready. I have no doubt in my mind that when she graduates she will leave and go back to Ohio which is her decision. I am just afraid that it will be for all the wrong reasons. Her mother and I have talked and are pretty much on the same page. Get her to stay long enough to get her diploma and turn 18, after that she is free to do whatever it is that she wants.

 I have yet to decide on a meeting schedule. I have been doing some writing on Stepwork, and read a little this week but have made no firm decisions or commitments on meetings. I need to do this and get a routine going. I know it is dangerous ground for me to not be connected on that level. I need to hear and talk to other recovering folks.

I hope this post finds you all well.

Take Care….Bob D.

9/11, Rebel Flags, and Lost Keys


My wife called me that morning and said, ‘You should probably turn on the tv’. I did and it turned on a world gone mad. Before the networks could put up a 15 second delay on what was being brought ‘live’ into our homes the images of people, in desperation, jumping from the towers will stay with me till my last days.

I will remember the stores raising gas and staple good prices that evening in a fear and greed not seen again since Katrina. I will remember the still of the sky the next day as not one plane or helicopter could be heard. I will remember my daughter asking, ‘Dad, why did those planes fly into those buildings like that’? All I could say was, ‘ I think it has to do with hate, religion, and politics’.

I will remember some young guys I knew from playing music in Northern Ohio that decided to go and fight the good fight and joined the service right after the event. They gave their lives up and returned home in flag drapped coffins. For democracy, any man would give his only begotten son, right?

                            ******

I saw the craziest thing driving to work yesterday. A caravan of 5 or 6 cars/trucks with giant Rebel Flags flowing behind of them. I thought to myself this is odd. The light turned from yellow to red and one of cars pulled up beside of me. I looked over to see an older, African-American woman driving one of these vehicles. As I sat in disbelief I thought no one would ever believe this. I told my boss about it and he chuckled. He asked, ‘What’s the big deal, it’s for the local football team, The WM Rebels.’
Up north, the only time I saw flags like that flying was at a KKK Rally and there were certainly no African-American’s at those. I am told that here, in the south, this flag means much more than what CNN, or Fox would have you believe. I am starting to wonder.

 My daughter lost her house key on Friday starting off a shit storm with her mother. It all worked out in the end but it makes me wonder how such a little thing causes such a big stir. My mother-in-law called and my wife told her that she is fed up with Lorna. That it’s like treading water with her until she turns 18. My mother-in-law seemed shocked. I told her if she wanted she could have Lorna move in with her, to which I got no reply.

Some fool wrecked their car in our front yard 2 nights ago. I mean the left the mess but no car. Tore off most of the front headlight assemblies and miscellaneous parts. I had to replace the mailbox but that was it.

I went to my first AA meeting here on Thursday. I was shocked to hear so many people identify themselves as addicts and alcoholics. Some just said addicts. There were a few that identified themselves as alcoholics but spoke of drugs as well. I am more confused now than I ever was. I sat and listened, I didn’t speak. Some people made sense, others didn’t.
I am convinced that this area realizes it has major drug issues (Meth is rampant due to the easy ability to manufacture it here) but I don’t understand how everyone is ending up at AA and few are attending NA. I plan on attending some more meetings to get a better feel as to what is going on, it just seems backwards to me.

Work continues to move on and college football is back on tv……
I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care,

Bob D.

There is Always a Price To Pay….


My wife has been in a state of mess as of late. It kinda boiled over last night. Sitting in the car, talking, anything I said to try to cheer her up or put a positive spin on things was shot down. The reality of where we are in things is catching up with her. The lack of work, or of decent pay. The family not treating her as she thought they might. The kids, especially my daughter, who refuses to let go of Ohio. She is now wearing old school t-shirts to her new high school so that other kids will look at her as if she has 2 heads. She refuses to wear her new school colors. All of this and of course, me.

I told my wife about the credit cards I had. To my surprise she wasn’t as angry as I thought she would be. A tremendous sense of relief has been brought to me only to realize my comfort has brought her misery. There is always a price to pay….How much is the question.

She never really questioned me about anything, but the disappointment was there. I have since taken steps and contacted the companies and made payment arrangements. I pleaded hardship with them and due to my change of address being now out-of-state they agreed.

I lied to my sponsor the other day over the phone. I don’t know why. It was about meetings, more in general my lack of attendance. I haven’t been to a meeting now in 3 weeks I think. Now before everyone gets in an uproar, especially me, I’m ok for right now. I have made a decision that I need to find a larger support network. I’m just not finding it in NA here. My plan is to attend AA and go to 1 NA meeting a week for support of others. I haven’t made this decision lightly. I know I need to do something, and I believe it involves a total rework of my thinking about fellowships.

Work continues to be long and hard. The kids other than the obvious seem to be ok.
LAst night was the first time I almost said something to my wife about doubting our decision to move. I wanted to ask her if she thought we made the right choice. Somehow it doesn’t seem important today, after all, we are here now. We knew we had to do something…and there is always a price to pay….I just hope the cost isn’t that high here.

Please remember to donate to MDA this weekend. Most of you know I am a huge supporter of Jerry Lewis and the MDA Telethon. Please make a donation. We need only one dollar more than last year.

Take Care….
Bob D.