As I told her I loved her and missed her I heard the waiver in her voice. My mother began to cry over the phone and I soon felt like Thanksgiving was lost….
I’ve never really been too far away from my loved ones on a Holiday. I have always made some type of effort while using or being clean to see them. It reminds me of the time I went to my Father’s for Christmas one year, sitting uncomfortably in his living room, while we gave him and my step-mother presents and excuses were made as to why he was unable to afford gifts for my wife or myself while looking under their tree at the stack of presents for her children. It’s not the point of I expected a gift, I expected an effort.
I called my Dad and my Mom Thursday. They have been divorced since I had been 13. I can count on one hand the number of times they have been in the same room together since then. 3 Weddings and 2 Funerals. The miles between us seemed 2 fold this year. Some family here asked if we were going back north for the Holiday and to be honest we really just didn’t have the money to do that. I spoke to my Dad and made sure he had something lined up. He did, dinner with an old schoolmate. Then I made the tough call to my Mother.
As I have gotten older I have come to realize that time can be a friend or it can be a foe. Time is one of those things that we seemingly feel we always have enough of, but yet cannot buy it. I posted several months ago that I felt like my Mother had early symptoms of Alzheimer’s. Repeating the same questions or the same things over and over. Yesterday she asked me if the kids were getting acclimated here ok at least 3 times. I steadily kept the conversation going in different directions only to have it come back to the same points, until the end, when I told her I missed her and loved her, and she began to cry. I miss my Mom terribly, and I soon felt like I might as well have moved to the moon, knowing I wouldn’t see her this Thanksgiving.
Trying to turn a negative into a positive is never easy. We talk about it all the time. How addicted people can seemingly find the one 3 leaf clover in a field of 4 leaf clovers. It seems we are drawn to the negative while we ignore all the beauty in our lives. I was short with people that morning, intent on being miserable, until we arrived at my wife’s relatives and something happened.
I looked around. People were laughing, engaging me in conversation. I had made 2 pumpkin pies and people here were impressed that not only a man could cook, but would be willing to. The kids were exceptional, the food was excellent and I soon found myself faced with a decision. I could either continue on with struggling with feelings or thoughts, or I could just let go and enjoy the moment. I chose the latter.
In doing that I was able to enjoy the here and now. I was able to enjoy myself and others. I was able to be me without fear af acceptance. I did all of this rather unintentionally. I did it because my Mom would have wanted me to. So I give thanks to my Mother for not letting me forget how precious the moment is, because I can’t buy them back, even at a Black Friday Sale.