As I stood looking at the screen and the teleprompter put up the words from the song the words glared at me like an angry billboard. How is this possible? How is it I am just now seeing this? Have I been so closed-minded to it all that I never bothered to consider it a possibility in my life……..
I was in church of all places. I have been looking forward to going over the last few weeks. I really like this church, but of course, my ‘fear of commitment’ lights are blinking in my mind. ‘You really shouldn’t be here, people in churches judge people like you’, I told myself. If they knew what you were and the things you have done they would run you out of here faster than you could blink.
The band played a song. They have a contemporary, actually pop-rock band that plays, and they played this song that had this line in it.
Rid me of myself.
It was strange the way the words ate at me. Then the sermon, took several different twists and turns around the very subject I was thinking. Judgement, fitting in, acceptance, and so on. Could it be that God was trying to talk to me or was it all just simple coincidence? I had to find out, so when I got home I sent the Pastor an email.
I told him that I liked the church, the message, and was curious on his views of 12 Step Programs. He replied that he is a huge supporter of 12 Step programs and thanked me for sending him an email. He told me that it was an accomplishment to do what I and others have done and find a new way to live.
I was really excited to hear this and have been talking with my wife about making this our home church. I will keep you updated.
I haven’t been to meetings nearly anywhere I would like. It seems something always comes up. Some event at home, some school event, something. What I’ve been doing is using it as an excuse to not go. I don’t know why, I know I am not cured by any stretch of the imagination and I am more of a realist to know and have seen from experience that church is not a substitute for recovery based fellowship. Basically I have been slacking and have become apathetic in certain areas of my own recovery. Maybe that’s why the line from the song struck me so hard. I am the one consulting myself about what I should do to maintain my recovery and that usually isn’t a good thing.
Football is now over and I have really no more excuses to use. I have to come up with a schedule and maintain that schedule.
My wife and I looked into buying a house. We were told we needed to get rid of about $4,000 worth of credit card debt to do so. That includes my poor choice of my ‘Emergency Chase Credit Card’ that turned into ‘Bob Needs Credit Card’. It’s funny, not really, how a decision from 3 years ago is affecting something I want to do today. My wife was really disappointed. We need to get out of this small rental one way or the other, it is just too small.
My wife and I talked at length last night about things here. We are both in agreement that some days it was a good decision and other days a bad decision but nonetheless we are here now and need to work with what we have. We talked about the kids, talked about us needing to talk to other adults more other than family. Isolation for us seems to be the main topic. We need to be involved with some other things and make some friends here. We are still hanging on to our old lives up north and aren’t getting anywhere. It’s amazing what happens when we talk, other than the day-to-day chit-chat.
I wish I had something inspirational to give you. Maybe I have. Sometimes inspiration doesn’t need to come roaring in, like a summer storm, but sometimes it comes quietly. When I rid me of myself, when I step out-of-the-way and see life through different eyes, sometimes I get what I want, but I definitely get what I need. I need to talk more right now, open up, and not be afraid of judgement. I accept who I am, do you?