‘I swear I will leave and you will never see me again except to piss on your grave’……..
This is what I was told on Sunday by my 16 year-old daughter in another one of her unending tirade’s. It wasn’t so much that line that got me going it was….
‘Why don’t you leave, just like your Dad left you’
Now that one, that one hurt. See I have learned that my daughter when enraged loves to take things that are personal to me and use them as a weapon. I’m sure if you search my blog you will find a post that I wrote shortly after she called me a crackhead the first time. After that incident I soon realized that anything, and I do mean anything can be used as leverage during one of her verbal assaults.
I was the age my son is now when he left. Just shy of my 13th birthday. My world was shattered. For all he wasn’t, he still after all, was my Dad. It was the spring and I came home from my friends to find him on the side porch with his suitcase and a papersack full of can goods. He told me my Mom and told him to leave. He wanted me to know he never left me, but he did leave me. That he would see me later.
It would be 2 years before I would hear from him again with any consistency. My oldest sister left, and my mother was left to raise me and my younger sister. I watched her work 2 jobs and cry over rent money. My world was turned upside down.
After the dust settled Sunday, I described this to my daughter whom seemed uninterested. I told her she had hurt me. That if she was going to do this type of thing to other people in her life, when she herself is hurt or angered, to use things from people’s past as a ‘getback’ that she was going to live a lonely life.
I went to bed that night empty. The days events vivid in my head. I have realized there is nothing more I can do as a Father. I have lost my daughter to something greater than myself. When someone or something takes me out of character to the point I feel life is not worth living, I have given it too much power and control over my life. It dawned on me…..
I am as desperate now as when I was using drugs for something to change.
I have to turn her over to God now. It is beyond me. I have no idea what today or tomorrow holds but I will not allow these feelings of anger and hurt consume me. I will not allow my life to be placed at the whims of someone who hasn’t even lived life yet. Who is guessing at how to treat people and how the world works.
I didn’t leave, my daughter left. She is still here physically, but she left long ago. Maybe someday she will come back to us, maybe not. I can’t dwell on it. It hasn’t done any good so far, and I don’t see any good coming from it in the future.
God hold me tight until these feelings pass.