Just Another Recovering Person

I once heard..’No one has ever committed suicide by holding their breath’.
I’ve also heard…’Load the cart, don’t worry about the mule’.

I never get tired of looking into the night sky here. The stars are brilliant, and the silence is, well, deafening. Moving from the inner city to the middle of nowhere has had some advantages. This is one of them, as for the others, they are few and far between. I thought in moving that somehow I had thought of everything and have come to find out I really knew nothing at all in the first place.
I second guessed the economy, I second guessed the job market, I second guessed family involvement, and I second guessed myself. All that being said as I drive home from an exhausting day at a job where I am entry-level instead of management there is a sense of pride. That I accomplished something in my mind, that if I can do it here, I can do it anywhere.

Most days I keep to myself. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s not that I have a ton of stuff to say, but the days do get lonely at times. My relationship with my wife, I believe, has become stronger. We aren’t as distracted as we once were, but it gives us too much time to focus on the children and their every move. It’s not to say the kids were left to run like wild animals in the city, but here, there aren’t many opportunities, and when there are like basketball games and such we tend to be overprotective by default.

I have learned that recovery comes from both within and without. I am not afforded the luxury of just ‘leaving to go to a meeting’. I am faced more with life than I ever have been. These past 7 months have been the most difficult in my recovery. I have compromised myself to the point of almost using. To be honest the only thing that has kept me from using is knowledge that if I pick up I will surely die, in more ways than one.

The thing that has been missing, is me. I have not been participating in my own life. I have been using excuses and anger to fuel petty resentments and apathy. I can use anything like a drug, including myself. Odd statement isn’t it?

As I write this I have been clean for 4 years, 11 months, and 21 days. I made a promise to myself, my Higher Power, and my family….That if God would help me, I would try. That’s what I said beside the bed in detox with tears streaming down my face….That I would try.

I’m not ready to give up on that. I can hold my breath for a long time, but not forever. I need to breathe life back into…..Me.

Take Care,
Bob D.

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Comments on: "Commiting Suicide….By Holding My Breath" (10)

  1. I know its uncomfortable, but just know that you are damned lucky to require change in your life. Some people simply do not require change. That are the same person say in and day out. This restlessness will force you to uncover solutions that will make you are more omplete human being. It sucks now, but in the end its worth it.

    Keep us in your prayers. David was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease today

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Just when I think my world is the only one that matters….I’m sorry to hear this news. What is the prognosis? Tell David now is not the time to waiver, but to win.
      I will be here if you both need me.

  2. Thank you. We’ve been up since he got the diagnosis… processing, talking, crying, working it out. Obviously everyone is different but if you want the classic prognosis, he has 10 years of semi-normal living followed by a downhill ability in function from the 10-15 year range. Medications that help the symptoms also have side effects that are unpleasant, so the doctors will not put him on that medicine until they have to. Here is a link to show how that medicine works http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf1N0Zf5IqA
    30% of patients lose their cognitive reasoning (dementia) but we do not know if that will happen. I expect the next 5 years will be bumpy but smooth if you know what I mean. David and I are both committed to seeing the world sooner rather than later.
    On a good note, this experience has helped me begin talking to god again. I have been meditating daily for a few weeks so prayer seemed natural and feels good. Its nice to have something to do yknow?
    is your phone number the same? I sent you a text yesterday but I dont think you got it. the number i have ends in 7600. is that right?

  3. Powerfully honest post, Bob. “I can use anything like a drug, including myself” is especially resonant. I’m proud of you – – – and you need to take a moment to be proud of yourself. Elizabeth is absolutely right. If we don’t challenge ourselves, we don’t grow. Staying in a more “comfortable” and familiar place may feel better, in the short term, but does nothing to build inner strength, create opportunities for new growth and relationships, and learn new things about ourselves. Your reflection, and humility, and obvious willingness to re-invent yourself, are all inspiring. I’m rooting for you – – – and want to remind you that you are already successful in the things that matter most. One Day at a Time. Peggy

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Thanks for your voice of reason and never ending support. I can’t tell you how much it means.
      Much Love and Respect….Bob

  4. Bob – congratulations on being clean for every hour that you have behind you. It is a HUGE achievement and you continue to inspire me and many more with your story.
    Having moved myself almost a year ago I can relate to how tough it has been for you but I like you, feel proud to have had this experience. Its not always easy but when we struggle we learn and when we learn we grow. The wise say it is important to enjoy the process – I try to but mostly I prefer to sit back for just a split second and think of how far I have come. You Bob – have come so incredibly far. Keep striving but every now and again look back and flash youself a big smile. Nx

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Thanks Nora. I am always motivated just a bit more after I read your reply. Thanks for being ‘there’ for me.
      Bob

  5. You inspire others to keep going, and that is important. Thank you.

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