Just Another Recovering Person

The Christmas of 1978

I couldn’t have been more than 10. It was 1978 and Star Wars was all the rage. I had seen it in the theater and the toy I wanted the most was the beautiful Millenium Falcon. I had watched the Kenner commercials on TV and dreamed of flying that sweet beauty with Han Solo and Chewbacca on more than one occasion. I had to have it, and of course, I received it. I woke up early that Christmas before anyone else. I crept under the tree to the largest box that was marked with my name on it and slowly, gently pulled just enough of the tape and wrapping paper away to catch a small glimpse of the prized toy I had so eagerly wanted. It was the greatest toy I would ever receive.

My parents had thrown a party sometime during that week of Christmas. I remember vividly awakening from my bed at some point that evening to find my Dad’s friend Al passed out under our tree. Someone had taken the time to put a Christmas bow on his forehead. I remember it so well……

It was the year of the great blizzard of 78′ in Ohio. We lived outside of Columbus in a nice home. Desegregation of Columbus Public Schools had my parents furious. I had no idea what the word meant, but I did know it would mean that I would ride the bus much further than I ever had. My parents bought a house in a rural community. The thing about this house was the basement was furnished with a bar and a pool table. These were 2 of my Dad’s favorite things. It would be in that house, at that bar, I would take my first drink at 10 years old. I would take more than one drink in that house. I had found out why my Dad wanted a bar in the basement. When the adults drank and laughed, everything seemed ok. They had numerous parties and entertained constantly. I watched as the adults all laughed.

I guess my point is there are never-ending highs and lows in life. I know it to be true in mine. When the good times have been good, they have been great. When they have been bad, they have sucked. I mentioned to my wife the other day that I pray most days for normalcy. I’m not sure if that is possible, and if it were I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to do with it if I received it. We often talk about ‘finding or maintaining balance’ in recovery. The holidays, for some, can be an emotional and trying time. It has been my experience that this is when I need to open up more about what is going on inside of me. To talk to someone else instead of counseling myself, or not talking at all. 

There are a multitude of circumstances for this anxiety. I can’t measure what your’s may or may not be. Mine is and always has been centered in guilt or fear. As time has moved on, resentments seem to have faded, and I am better able to deal with Christmas. It’s not my favorite Holiday, but I am coming more to terms with it. I guess I wrote about 1978 because it stands out to me as one of the few Christmases that isn’t filled with pain and disappointments. Not all of them have been great so I hold onto that one, just for me.

Our plans here are low-key. A simple meal, candlelight service tomorrow night, and family. I am sure that ‘A Christmas Story’ will be on the tv at some point, as will ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. I will watch others as they run about, trying to find that perfect gift, try to create that perfect moment and capture that elusive ‘Christmas Magic’. I will watch as my children open their gifts and hopefully we will have hit the mark one more time with something they like. My wife and I will smile at each other and give that all approving nod of contentment as worn out parents on Christmas usually do. The day will come and go into the quiet of Christmas night and as all drift off…..

Me…..I will be somewhere, perhaps back in 1978, flying that Millenium Falcon one more time.

To all of you….
I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

Bob D.

Advertisements

Comments on: "The Christmas of 1978" (4)

  1. Hey Bob….

    I have so many parallel experiences and re-live emotions in very similar ways to those you describe.

    The memory of Christmas fascination as a kid and the mystery of what’s in the wrapped package. There was nothing more exciting than the mystery of the anticipated gift. I’m glad you got your Millenium Falcon. That experience has obviously impacted you with fond memories that form the template for the kinds of experiences you want to pass on to your own kids.

    One of my favourite songs of all time is, Christmas Through Your Eyes, by Gloria Estefan. It so takes me back to those wide-eyed fascinations about Christmas.

    For me today, I want very little from Christmas other than to share in the uplifted spirits of people in our lives. And to pass along the gift of Christmas anticipation to the children in my life. My kids are no longer little, but they still get giddy with excitement. My step kids are younger and still help me get my dose of Christmas Through Your Eyes each Christmas morning.

    When I left work today, which was my last day til after Christmas, I exchanged hugs, handshakes, and Merry Christmases with everyone. If this season only served to be a time of year when we could all let our barriers down for just a moment and share some love, it would all be worth it. Yet it is still so much more.

    So have a great Christmas with your family. Those of us blessed to be clean, sober, and recovering all have so much to be thankful for in just being able to spend a season like this with our families.

    Enjoy every moment. I know I will.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  2. What a beautiful blog and image. Thank you for sharing this…
    You know, its funny. When I went to meetings for years I was programmed that there “is no normal” and that normal is “just a setting on your washing machine”. Then I left the meetings and in the last 4 years I have meet dozens of normal people. They DO exist. It was only through this eye opening realization did I understand something about myself.
    I LIKE THE UPS AND DOWNS.
    I may complain about the ups and downs, but some part of me likes it, because whenever I have an opportunity to like a still, calm life with no swings, I brush right by that opportunity and dive into a big pot of chaos head first. I have always been that way. Maybe thats why I was so attracted to using drugs in the first place. I used to berate myself for this, but in the last year I’ve been giving myself a break. In truth, I like myself, warts and all. After years trying to become a buddist nun, I’m gonna let myself be. As long as I remember to work toward the balance, not away from it, I’ll be OK 😉

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that we can’t change who we inately are… and its a good thing too. There will only be ONE like you Bob, and I don’t want it any other way.

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      I am sure there is a collective world ‘sigh’ that there is only one me!
      Have a Merry Christmas Elz!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: