Just Another Recovering Person

As Desperate Now…..

‘I swear I will leave and you will never see me again except to piss on your grave’……..

This is what I was told on Sunday by my 16 year-old daughter in another one of her unending tirade’s. It wasn’t so much that line that got me going it was….

‘Why don’t you leave, just like your Dad left you’

Now that one, that one hurt. See I have learned that my daughter when enraged loves to take things that are personal to me and use them as a weapon. I’m sure if you search my blog you will find a post that I wrote shortly after she called me a crackhead the first time. After that incident I soon realized that anything, and I do mean anything can be used as leverage during one of her verbal assaults.

I was the age my son is now when he left. Just shy of my 13th birthday. My world was shattered. For all he wasn’t, he still after all, was my Dad. It was the spring and I came home from my friends to find him on the side porch with his suitcase and a papersack full of can goods. He told me my Mom and told him to leave. He wanted me to know he never left me, but he did leave me. That he would see me later.
It would be 2 years before I would hear from him again with any consistency. My oldest sister left, and my mother was left to raise me and my younger sister. I watched her work 2 jobs and cry over rent money. My world was turned upside down.

After the dust settled Sunday, I described this to my daughter whom seemed uninterested. I told her she had hurt me. That if she was going to do this type of thing to other people in her life, when she herself is hurt or angered, to use things from people’s past as a ‘getback’ that she was going to live a lonely life.

I went to bed that night empty. The days events vivid in my head. I have realized there is nothing more I can do as a Father. I have lost my daughter to something greater than myself. When someone or something takes me out of character to the point I feel life is not worth living, I have given it too much power and control over my life. It dawned on me…..

I am as desperate now as when I was using drugs for something to change.

I have to turn her over to God now. It is beyond me. I have no idea what today or tomorrow holds but I will not allow these feelings of anger and hurt consume me. I will not allow my life to be placed at the whims of someone who hasn’t even lived life yet. Who is guessing at how to treat people and how the world works.

I didn’t leave, my daughter left. She is still here physically, but she left long ago. Maybe someday she will come back to us, maybe not. I can’t dwell on it. It hasn’t done any good so far, and I don’t see any good coming from it in the future.

God hold me tight until these feelings pass.


Comments on: "As Desperate Now….." (6)

  1. Thinking of you Bob. You blog is beautiful and you are correct that you need to treat her as if she has “left”. As if she has dementia or Alzheimers and is no longer the person you knew.
    My sadness is only that end up being “left” by yet another person you love and you have again done nothing whatsoever to have caused this.
    I am sorry. Lifes a bitch sometimes but remember
    The only constant you can ALWAYS rely on is this. Life keeps changing.

  2. Hey Bob…. thats a lot of life and history in one post.

    Wow! I say that in reference to what you must be feeling, what you went through, and how you are handling it.

    My mantra for such things in life is “its a ‘through’ thing”. Emphasis on “through”. Not a “stuck in forever” thing. Not an “always will be thing”.

    I apply it the best I can, altough seldom perfectly. I feel your pain. I had an incident with my daughter at about the same age where she accused me of saying things about certain family members and humiliating her in public. None were true. But she knew that if she told others, a shit-storm would ensue, and she could enjoy some control and attention for a time.

    This hurt. Bad. No, make that agony. That place of pergatory between loving your child still, yet feeling the pain of what they said. And the damaged pride and feelings of insecurity of being vulnerable enough to have them get to you.

    Now the good part. That was over 2 years ago. A lot of life has passed since that time and we have had many wonderful, magical moments since then. I am in fact on my way to meet her for lunch shortly. Just her and me. No particular reason other than we both have the time for one another today.

    No many, including me (and sounds like you) in our active addiction phase and mindsets of our lives would respond the way you are right now. Accepting the pain and turning it over. Almost sounds shallowly cliche. But it is not. This is the stuff recovery and maturity are made of. This, my friend, is the good stuff. Doesn’t feel like it, but it is.

    Your steadiness during this time is undoubtedly saying something to your daughter. Again, may not feel like it entirely. But the fact you are not reacting or spinning out is speaking volumes. Just like what our parents did when we were kids, good or bad, spoke volumes. Volumes we may not realize we are reading until many years later.

    I know the ache of an absent Dad too. Mine left for the bottle when I was quite young. And wove in and out of my life growing up. Leaving uncertainty, anxiety, and a young boy questioning his worth. So I know it is impacting. You on the other hand are there for your daughter. As I am. Even if it is at a distance. Dad is only a phone call away (or text or FB message these days).

    Take heart in that it sounds like you did many good and right things in this incident. More than what was served up to you as a child it sounds like. Which tells me you are not wallowing, you are overcoming the shortcomings and pains of the past. You are breaking the cycle of abandonment.

    “We will intuitively know how to handle things that used to baffle us”, is one of the promises we hear about in AA. While it may not feel like you handled the sitch with surgical skill, why not stop and look back at how much better the recovering Bob handled it versus the active addict Bob? Ask your wife or someone else close to their opinion on how the old and new Bob handles things.

    I bet you will discover that you have programmed in a lot of recovery and growth. More than you realize. This is the “intutively” part in action.

    In any case Bob, know that others have a realistic sense of some of what you are going through. You can be happy in knowing you are being the best you that you can be.



    Oh ya, and Happy New Year!

    • beyondtheendoftheroad said:

      Thanks Chaz for your words of wisdom and support. I understand what you mean.

  3. I know so well the feeling of having your most innermost traumas used as a weapon during a conflict. It hurts more than anything I’ve experienced, both for the words and the feeling that someone would “love” me so little as to breach those ramparts to my soul. I recover so poorly from the breach and it kills my heart.

    I offer nothing more than a comforting word of knowing. You’ve chosen the only path you have, detachment and acceptance, and for that I take comfort in your strength.

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