‘When at the end of the road we find we can no longer function as human beings either with or without drugs, what is there left to do?’
It seems I have made it somewhat, ‘Beyond the End of the Road’. I can say this because I have the ability today to function without drugs. I couldn’t have said that just a short time ago, but I can today. This is where the title of my blog came from, a quote from the NA Textbook.
I haven’t been to a meeting in a while. The last meeting I tried to go to was about 3 weeks ago. The door was locked and the lights were out. I sat in my car and questioned myself. Maybe question isn’t a good term, I took an inventory of myself. I began to ask, do I really need to go to meetings anymore? I have no sponsor, I have no homegroup, I have my Higher Power, My Book, and My Desire…..Are they enough to carry me?
Realistically the long-term answer is no. I feel that I have a decent understanding of myself, my motives, and my disease. I also have the uncanny ability to lie to myself. I can tell myself things are ok and they aren’t. I can tell myself things are bad and they really aren’t. I guess my point is when I am left to counsel myself in matters of my thinking and behavior I am, well, biased.
All that being said, a lack of motivation has set in. Apathy if you will. I had this in my work career recently as well. Telling my boss I was content in moving boxes and almost passing up this promotion. I’ve done it in learning the town. I have been here almost a year and can still barely get around. What this is, is my inability to be willing to invest myself emotional to things here and I don’t know why. Maybe somewhere in my sub-conscience I have the idea that it’s not worth it, or I don’t want to take risks, or whatever. Now that I know what it is I have to move past this….this fear.
Is that it…..Fear? Fear of what? Fear of acceptance….Fear of success? I know that all of my life I have carried fear with me like a worn out steamer trunk. That nagging feeling that it really isn’t worth it, so why bother? I am a decent person today, I try. I try to do what is right, not for the pat on the back, but because I did just the opposite I feel that it is owed. It is owed to myself, the people in my life, and my HP.
Fear of not getting it right.
I have to remind myself we all live this life breath to breath. Mistakes will be made, things said that shouldn’t have been, decisions made based on shaky motives. In the end….as long as I haven’t used it is all really a success. I am too hard on myself, my worst judge, jury, and executioner. My mind will tell me all is lost, my world is falling apart, and when I step back and look…it isn’t.
My kids are ok. My wife is ok, and the new dog is a pain in the ass. The weather here this past week has been frightening. My heart aches for those in Alabama who lost so much and I don’t mean a house or a car. It’s like what the President said, ‘We can’t bring back those who were lost, but we can grieve with you’.
My wife and I rode that night out holding our breath. I have never seen storms like that. They swept along the I-20 corridor one after another. Our house shook from the thunder and wind. Having satellite we would lose signal and I kept our radio close. Being it was at night there was really no way to know until it was on top of us. There are no sirens here, just the weather man who lets us know if there is rotation in cells and approximately where they are. I feel very fortunate today.
After the storm moved through here they went on to Miss, and then into Ala. We didn’t know how bad it was because information here via television is sporadic at best. The local news here to be honest…sucks. It wasn’t until I got to CNN I saw what happened. There was flooding and power outages. Our town was fortunate we only lost 2 people. It could have been worse.
School is almost out and summer is almost here. I’d like to take a ‘Holiday’ for all my friends across the pond, or a vacation as we call it here. But I don’t think it is in the cards. I should know something about the new place in a few days. I hope this all falls into place. It’s something both my wife and I have been working towards for a year now.
I hope this post finds you all well. For those who are struggling, questioning, and stumbling….Don’t worry….The end of the road is in sight.