Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for April, 2011

A Steamer Trunk of Fear


‘When at the end of the road we find we can no longer function as human beings either with or without drugs, what is there left to do?’

It seems I have made it somewhat, ‘Beyond the End of the Road’. I can say this because I have the ability today to function without drugs. I couldn’t have said that just a short time ago, but I can today. This is where the title of my blog came from, a quote from the NA Textbook.

I haven’t been to a meeting in a while. The last meeting I tried to go to was about 3 weeks ago. The door was locked and the lights were out. I sat in my car and questioned myself. Maybe question isn’t a good term, I took an inventory of myself. I began to ask, do I really need to go to meetings anymore? I have no sponsor, I have no homegroup, I have my Higher Power, My Book, and My Desire…..Are they enough to carry me?

Realistically the long-term answer is no. I feel that I have a decent understanding of myself, my motives, and my disease. I also have the uncanny ability to lie to myself. I can tell myself things are ok and they aren’t. I can tell myself things are bad and they really aren’t. I guess my point is when I am left to counsel myself in matters of my thinking and behavior I am, well, biased.

All that being said, a lack of motivation has set in. Apathy if you will. I had this in my work career recently as well. Telling my boss I was content in moving boxes and almost passing up this promotion. I’ve done it in learning the town. I have been here almost a year and can still barely get around. What this is, is my inability to be willing to invest myself emotional to things here and I don’t know why. Maybe somewhere in my sub-conscience I have the idea that it’s not worth it, or I don’t want to take risks, or whatever. Now that I know what it is I have to move past this….this fear.

Is that it…..Fear? Fear of what? Fear of acceptance….Fear of success? I know that all of my life I have carried fear with me like a worn out steamer trunk. That nagging feeling that it really isn’t worth it, so why bother? I am a decent person today, I try. I try to do what is right, not for the pat on the back, but because I did just the opposite I feel that it is owed. It is owed to myself, the people in my life, and my HP.

Fear of not getting it right.

I have to remind myself we all live this life breath to breath. Mistakes will be made, things said that shouldn’t have been, decisions made based on shaky motives. In the end….as long as I haven’t used it is all really a success. I am too hard on myself, my worst judge, jury, and executioner. My mind will tell me all is lost, my world is falling apart, and when I step back and look…it isn’t.   

My kids are ok. My wife is ok, and the new dog is a pain in the ass. The weather here this past week has been frightening. My heart aches for those in Alabama who lost so much and I don’t mean a house or a car. It’s like what the President said, ‘We can’t bring back those who were lost, but we can grieve with you’.

My wife and I rode that night out holding our breath. I have never seen storms like that. They swept along the I-20 corridor one after another. Our house shook from the thunder and wind. Having satellite we would lose signal and I kept our radio close. Being it was at night there was really no way to know until it was on top of us. There are no sirens here, just the weather man who lets us know if there is rotation in cells and approximately where they are. I feel very fortunate today.

After the storm moved through here they went on to Miss, and then into Ala. We didn’t know how bad it was because information here via television is sporadic at best. The local news here to be honest…sucks. It wasn’t until I got to CNN I saw what happened. There was flooding and power outages. Our town was fortunate we only lost 2 people. It could have been worse.

School is almost out and summer is almost here. I’d like to take a ‘Holiday’ for all my friends across the pond, or a vacation as we call it here. But I don’t think it is in the cards. I should know something about the new place in a few days. I hope this all falls into place. It’s something both my wife and I have been working towards for a year now.

I hope this post finds you all well. For those who are struggling, questioning, and stumbling….Don’t worry….The end of the road is in sight.

Peace.
Bob D.

Updates


Of all the 4 letter words there is always one constant……..Life.

Hello all. It’s been quite some time since my last post. Life can be, well, life. I am well. Things are ok, just extremely busy. My 2 career life right now seemingly has put most other things on hold. My spirits are good and I am holding up as well as can be expected. I know Elz will give me shit but AMP Energy drinks and King Size Payday candy bars are Bob’s best friend.

My daughter had her 17th birthday and Easter has come and went. We are currently working on getting out of this crampt house and into something bigger. If it all works out we will be moving into a much nicer place in the next 30 days. I do mean nice. Some things are lining up that the hard work put in may be paying off.

It will be a couple of more weeks and we will have been here a year. Looking over things it has been the best and worst decision I have made, but I have mulled over it long enough.

The new job position is working out and my boss seems happy with my performance. I have had a few rough spots but nothing that hasn’t been correctable.

I hope this short post finds you all well. I hope to write a little more in depth this weekend when I have some more time.

Peace,
Bob D.

A New Position, A New Dog, and A New NA?


Everything I thought was important isn’t….
And everything that isn’t important…..was.

Those could be someone’s ‘Famous Last Words’, or they could be just the ramblings of a tired guy like myself. My posts have been, well, nonexistent as of late. My 2 job lifestyle kind of leaves me with little to no extra time anymore. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad but I certainly hope this post finds you all well.

I received a promotion at work yesterday. I will be moving up to inside sales. I’ve done something similar in the past and I couldn’t in reality turn down the money. It will afford me some better opportunities for the future. There are some hard feelings about it this with some of my co-workers because another fellow was being considered and was passed over for me. I have only been with the company 10 months but have 13 years experience in this field.

I tried to go to a meeting about a week ago only to find no one there. I came home dejected and told my wife I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. NA in this area is just not happening. I found out that one of the guys here with ‘time’ is one of the folks that is involved with the ‘USSC or USSF’. For those not familiar with what this is it is a rogue group of older members of NA who have become disenfranchised with Narcotics Anonymous and have tried to create a similar fellowship.
The problem with it is that it is filled with ego and driven by self-serving individuals who are on the outside looking in. One of the main players is a person who helped move NA forward in the early 1980’s. He spoke at an ‘Unofficial’ event in Columbus, Ohio shortly before I left at a ‘NA Learning Day’. A question was asked at to what the purpose of this event was and the response was, ‘So that people could show some fucking gratitude for what was done’.
These groups, these individuals are trying to recreate the feeling of what it was like to watch a fellowship grow and mold it into what they feel it should have been versus what it is. Basically, they are trying to change their perception of reality and how they feel with the principles they learned in the very fellowship they are trying to now cause a rift in.
The individuals involved with this seem to be folks who were in large metro areas and moved to outlying areas as well as folks who lost touch with NA as it has changed over the years. The problem I have is simply the principles of NA haven’t changed at all. The personalities and ego’s have. I don’t agree with everything that happens at WSC or on a Global Fellowship Scale.
What I do know is this. There is no ‘Golden Era’ of Narcotics Anonymous. That the best way to honor the past or ‘Show some fucking gratitude’ is to look forward to the future, not try to recreate what is already here.
This isn’t the first time this has happened nor will it be the last. It’s hard to be in a ‘Just for Today Program’ while living out resentments from the 1980’s.

I told my wife maybe it would just be better if I went to AA here. In the very least I know the meetings will be there and maybe I can find the support I have been looking for. I feel a sense of guilt that perhaps I should be doing more to help. I realize I am only one person and my schedule right now just won’t let me be as committed as I would like.

There are 2 months of school left and the countdown has already begun for summer. The kids are doing ok. My son is happy again as we have a new dog. His name is ‘Lucky’. I’d like to tell you what breed it is but I’m not sure. I know it is a mix of 3 different dogs for sure. I will try to get some pictures up at some point of him.

All in all we are doing ok. Some days are a blur. I am sure things will change again, they always do.

How are you? Leave me a comment and let me know how you are.

Take Care,
Bob D.