‘We are in a war, a shooting war. Consider yourselves all dead men and stop worrying about your lives, once you do that it will be easier for you to accept it’.
12 O’Clock High
Making sense of life or the events of life can be an all-consuming task. I never really understood what life was until I watched someone die. On a cold, rainy February day I watched my wife’s father succumb to cancer and helped the county coroner remove him from his home where hospice had been providing care. To watch someone draw their last breath is almost like watching a baby take their first. It is labored, forced, and in a strange way surreal.
The recent arrest of Ratko Mladic for crimes against humanity during the 1990’s made me wonder how it is that a man can commit atrocities and hide in plain sight for 16 years?
He strolled thru the streets of Tutsis and passed out candy to children and consoled the elderly promising safety for all. The Dutch Army Commander shared a toast of brandy as women were loaded on buses to be beaten and raped once out of sight. 8,000 men and boys were led to mass graves where they were tied and shot. Not since Adolph Hitler had Europe endured what happened.
The US sent a high altitude spy plane to take photos of the area. The only report given was ‘There are freshly plowed fields on the outskirts of town’. These were not crop fields…….but rather killing fields.
The US seemed not inclined to become involved…perhaps we had no vested interest in the area…perhaps the same reasons we never became involved with Rwanda.
It looks as if we will be moving in late June or early July. We are staying here just getting the bigger place I had mentioned before. Everyone is excited. We have lived in this smaller place for too long.
Summer is here and the kids are out of school. Surprisingly all is calm. I feared the worse but my daughter has friends here now and seems to be off and running daily. My son is doing the same. He will be 13 next month and time is passing me by once again.
Most days I am tired. I am still working 2 jobs but we are getting caught up. Moving into this bigger place is the light at the end of the tunnel. It is the goal I need to be motivated. Sometimes it just feels like I am spinning my wheels endlessly. I shared this with my wife and told her my frustration. She understood and assured me that things are getting better whether I see it or not.
My new position is going well. I feel like I am learning instead of filling in and treading water. My boss seems happy and my clients are ok with me.
I am currently not going to meetings. I just don’t see the point in involving myself with NA here. It is a point of frustration and confusion. I haven’t went to any AA meetings either. The funny thing is I just don’t think about them. Between work and home I don’t have time for much else. If I am lucky I have 1 night a week to come home and have off. There are days, like yesterday, I thought about beer. I haven’t thought about beer in a long time, but it was just a thought.
I still have a personal program I work. I still read when I can. Most of my support group in Columbus has stopped calling. It is time for them and I to move on in the next chapter of our lives. I am not sure what the future holds for me and 12 Step meetings but I am ok today. I know at some point I will return and be just as involved as I once was, but I also know that the whole idea of recovery is for me to be a responsible, productive member of society. I know that I cannot live and enjoy life without the use of drugs if all of my time is spent in meetings and committees. I remember the guilt I felt for not being available to do the very things I was supposed to early on. I put in the work to get this point of freedom in my life and I haven’t forgotten that. I still am grateful, I still am the same Bob, but yet a different Bob.
Today…I understand rather than needing to be understood.
I am still planning on being in Dallas the week of June 20th Elz. I will call you as the time gets closer.
I hope this post finds you all well.