Just Another Recovering Person

‘We are in a war, a shooting war. Consider yourselves all dead men and stop worrying about your lives, once you do that it will be easier for you to accept it’.

Gregory Peck
12 O’Clock High

 

Making sense of life or the events of life can be an all-consuming task. I never really understood what life was until I watched someone die. On a cold, rainy February day I watched my wife’s father succumb to cancer and helped the county coroner remove him from his home where hospice had been providing care. To watch someone draw their last breath is almost like watching a baby take their first. It is labored, forced, and in a strange way surreal.

The recent arrest of Ratko Mladic for crimes against humanity during the 1990’s made me wonder how it is that a man can commit atrocities and hide in plain sight for 16 years?

He strolled thru the streets of Tutsis and passed out candy to children and consoled the elderly promising safety for all. The Dutch Army Commander shared a toast of brandy as women were loaded on buses to be beaten and raped once out of sight. 8,000 men and boys were led to mass graves where they were tied and shot. Not since Adolph Hitler had Europe endured what happened.

The US sent a high altitude spy plane to take photos of the area. The only report given was ‘There are freshly plowed fields on the outskirts of town’. These were not crop fields…….but rather killing fields.
The US seemed not inclined to become involved…perhaps we had no vested interest in the area…perhaps the same reasons we never became involved with Rwanda.

 

It looks as if we will be moving in late June or early July. We are staying here just getting the bigger place I had mentioned before. Everyone is excited. We have lived in this smaller place for too long.

Summer is here and the kids are out of school. Surprisingly all is calm. I feared the worse but my daughter has friends here now and seems to be off and running daily. My son is doing the same. He will be 13 next month and time is passing me by once again.

Most days I am tired. I am still working 2 jobs but we are getting caught up. Moving into this bigger place is the light at the end of the tunnel. It is the goal I need to be motivated. Sometimes it just feels like I am spinning my wheels endlessly. I shared this with my wife and told her my frustration. She understood and assured me that things are getting better whether I see it or not.

My new position is going well. I feel like I am learning instead of filling in and treading water. My boss seems happy and my clients are ok with me.

I am currently not going to meetings. I just don’t see the point in involving myself with NA here. It is a point of frustration and confusion. I haven’t went to any AA meetings either. The funny thing is I just don’t think about them. Between work and home I don’t have time for much else. If I am lucky I have 1 night a week to come home and have off. There are days, like yesterday, I thought about beer. I haven’t thought about beer in a long time, but it was just a thought.

I still have a personal program I work. I still read when I can. Most of my support group in Columbus has stopped calling. It is time for them and I to move on in the next chapter of our lives. I am not sure what the future holds for me and 12 Step meetings but I am ok today. I know at some point I will return and be just as involved as I once was, but I also know that the whole idea of recovery is for me to be a responsible, productive member of society. I know that I cannot live and enjoy life without the use of drugs if all of my time is spent in meetings and committees. I remember the guilt I felt for not being available to do the very things I was supposed to early on. I put in the work to get this point of freedom in my life and I haven’t forgotten that. I still am grateful, I still am the same Bob, but yet a different Bob.

Today…I understand rather than needing to be understood.

I am still planning on being in Dallas the week of June 20th Elz. I will call you as the time gets closer.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care,
Bob D.

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Comments on: "Crimes Against Humanity" (3)

  1. Elizabeth said:

    How exciting for you that you are almost ready to move into the new house. How many more square feet is it? You have been working really hard and i’m grateful you get to see a payoff soon, though I agree with your wife that it’s been happening slowly regardless of whether you see it.
    Im sorry you must have hit the wrong key. Did you say David is turning THIRTEEN???! Unbelievable….
    As for the meetings, you know where I stand so I won’t say a thing. I will only pass on one word of advice. The one difficulty I found and continue to find when I choose to live drug free but not go to meetings, is it is a greater tempation to use than it was when I was networked in. For me, it was alcohol specifically. I never wanted to go get crack or whatever, but I forgot that I cannot drink. I suppose this is obvious but I just wanted to put it out there and share my experience. Be vigilant. I regret drinking and though I have 5 months clean, I am not nearly as content with being clean as I was before I relapsed. I will be one day, but I have to earn it again…
    The week of June 20th we will be in town though the boys will not. I can meet you anywhere as long as I have a heads up. I know David will want to come. Also if you want to, I can point you in the direction of some of the better NA groups in Dallas if you’ve been missing them.

    We are doing well. Had our first YOPD meeting for the dallas area and it feels good to have created something to help others. It is hard getting a meeting up and running, but I believe in what I’m doing, so it’s more fun than stressful.

  2. Hi Bob… its been a while.

    Glad to hear you are doing well.

    I share some of your experiences with meetings or not meetings.

    I do not believe that all of us recovering alcoholics and addicts need to attend meetings forever. Many of us do. Maybe most of us do, I dont honestly know.

    I do know that I personally dont need as many as I once did. I am several years clean and sober.

    At the same time, I have never regretted going to a meeting. Not one. I still have a home group and I still shut my brain off and go to it most weeks in spite of any internal dialogue that tells me not to.

    I find that the biggest trap I can step into is controversy over meetings. Once I engage the argument in my head or with others, I have begun losing. The outcome of the argument is a moot point. The argument is the point. I must avoid it. It does me no good. It only drains me and makes me cynical or resentful. Toxic emotions do me no good.

    If ever there was an place to apply “Keep it simple” it is with my outlook to meetings. I have two settings only; 1) go 2) don’t go. Thats it. No middle ground, no debate.

    This outlook has not failed me yet.

    I am glad to hear you are doing well. Glad to year you remain sober and are progressing in life and career.

    Will drop by more often.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

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