The past couple of nights I have been restless…unable to sleep, or at least fall into a deep sleep….So I get out of bed and walk….
I walk through the house to the back door and switch on the back porch light. For a brief moment I see it…a shadow moving across the lawn…just for a moment I see the silhouette of a figure…not of an animal. My throat closes thight…My breathing becomes labored…my heart races…as if death has crossed my door and brushed by my side again. I am frightened…literally scared to death to open the door, but I do, and the shadow is gone.
It has happened 2 nights in the last week and I believe it to be a sign. Afterall, there are those who believe to be comforted, and others who are comforted to believe…….
The above is true. I believe it to be a sign from my Higher Power. Trying to reach me, trying to talk to me. Telling me I am heading down a dangerous path from which there is no coming back from. I can continue to use excuses, I can try to justify my rationale and at the end of the day I will be left with nothing more than I put into it.
I have to get back on my program. I can’t sit here anymore and try to counsel myself. Be it AA, NA, or a combination of both I can’t do this by myself on willpower, exhaustion, and willpower. The truth be told I have been operating on willpower way too long, like it’s a contest to test my own resolve, my own desire and I am at my breaking point. I know it will only be a matter of time before I use if I don’t do something.
I have to work today until 10pm so I will find a meeting to go to tomorrow night. I have to, I have to find a schedule, a balance, and re-learn what I have already forgotten. The NA Text reminds me that ‘I must use what I have or lose it’. I have lost some things already…I’ve lost my passion.
When there are shadows present in life there must be light to cast the shadow. I have to find my way back to the light…The shadows are too scary today.