Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for August, 2011

Shadows and Light


The past couple of nights I have been restless…unable to sleep, or at least fall into a deep sleep….So I get out of bed and walk….

I walk through the house to the back door and switch on the back porch light. For a brief moment I see it…a shadow moving across the lawn…just for a moment I see the silhouette of a figure…not of an animal. My throat closes thight…My breathing becomes labored…my heart races…as if death has crossed my door and brushed by my side again. I am frightened…literally scared to death to open the door, but I do, and the shadow is gone.

It has happened 2 nights in the last week and I believe it to be a sign. Afterall, there are those who believe to be comforted, and others who are comforted to believe…….

The above is true. I believe it to be a sign from my Higher Power. Trying to reach me, trying to talk to me. Telling me I am heading down a dangerous path from which there is no coming back from. I can continue to use excuses, I can try to justify my rationale and at the end of the day I will be left with nothing more than I put into it.
I have to get back on my program. I can’t sit here anymore and try to counsel myself. Be it AA, NA, or a combination of both I can’t do this by myself on willpower, exhaustion, and willpower. The truth be told I have been operating on willpower way too long, like it’s a contest to test my own resolve, my own desire and I am at my breaking point. I know it will only be a matter of time before I use if I don’t do something.

I have to work today until 10pm so I will find a meeting to go to tomorrow night. I have to, I have to find a schedule, a balance, and re-learn what I have already forgotten. The NA Text reminds me that ‘I must use what I have or lose it’. I have lost some things already…I’ve lost my passion.

When there are shadows present in life there must be light to cast the shadow. I have to find my way back to the light…The shadows are too scary today.

Take Care,
Bob D.

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When In Doubt


It’s been a while hasn’t it……..

“Life isn’t fair……A fair is something that comes to town, takes your money, and then leaves….”

Posting, writing, and most other parts of my schedule have been put on hiatus as of late as you can tell. My life seems to revolve around 2 things anymore….Work and more work. All else has fallen into the category of “It will have to wait”. I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all.
Apathy and Procrastination are like twin brothers that walk side by side with me. I also know that they are my 2 worst enemies, because I know me.

My old sponsor from Columbus has been emailing me, calling me, wanting to talk and I haven’t called him back. It’s not because I have used, it’s because of the guilt of not having been doing anything but not using. I haven’t been to a meeting in months, I haven’t read, wrote on a step, been of service, or done 1 thing I was taught over the course of my recovery…..

I haven’t done shit.
Why?

I’m sitting in the Business Center of a hotel in Boston, MA trying to figure it out. Trying to reason with my own excuses and they are sounding exactly as that…excuses. I have no clue as to what I am doing, who I am, or where I am headed. I don’t feel like using, but that is the most difficult part…..feeling. I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I know that perception is reality and right now reality doesn’t seem real at all if that makes sense.

When in doubt I used to know what to do…..run. I want to run. I want to run from the fear of living, from the fear of reality, from the fear in me. Second guessing my decisions, my motivations, my intentions.

Our move into a new place has been eliminated due to others in abilities and circumstances beyond my control. It all fell apart in a matter of a few short weeks. Bids weren’t accepted and resentments have set in, not only on my part but on my wife’s behalf as well. I see a growing divide in the very things that brought us here in the first place. My wife has become disheartened by the actions of some fo her family here and I sit and watch as events unfold. When I met David and Elz in Dallas they asked me about the move in more detail and surprisingly something came out that had been lurking just beneath the surface. I told them I felt that I owed it to my wife to raise her level of happiness due to the misery brought on to her from my using…..That I owed it to her to make her happy, and if moving her closer to her family would do that then so be it. The ultimate in people pleasing…..but is it really?

The kids are being kids. David has gained some weight and Lorna is running her last summer of irresponsibility into the ground. School starts here on August 18th and my daughter is a senior needing only 3 credits to graduate.

My mom turned 70 this past weekend and I miss her terribly. My oldest sister called, whom never calls, and told me my mother was upset that I wasn’t there for her surprise party…..

Bob….you need to come home and see mom.
Why?!?! Is there something wrong??
No, she isn’t sick…but she misses you and wants to see you. Can’t you come home?

I thought I was home…….
When in doubt….run?