Just Another Recovering Person

When In Doubt

It’s been a while hasn’t it……..

“Life isn’t fair……A fair is something that comes to town, takes your money, and then leaves….”

Posting, writing, and most other parts of my schedule have been put on hiatus as of late as you can tell. My life seems to revolve around 2 things anymore….Work and more work. All else has fallen into the category of “It will have to wait”. I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all.
Apathy and Procrastination are like twin brothers that walk side by side with me. I also know that they are my 2 worst enemies, because I know me.

My old sponsor from Columbus has been emailing me, calling me, wanting to talk and I haven’t called him back. It’s not because I have used, it’s because of the guilt of not having been doing anything but not using. I haven’t been to a meeting in months, I haven’t read, wrote on a step, been of service, or done 1 thing I was taught over the course of my recovery…..

I haven’t done shit.
Why?

I’m sitting in the Business Center of a hotel in Boston, MA trying to figure it out. Trying to reason with my own excuses and they are sounding exactly as that…excuses. I have no clue as to what I am doing, who I am, or where I am headed. I don’t feel like using, but that is the most difficult part…..feeling. I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I know that perception is reality and right now reality doesn’t seem real at all if that makes sense.

When in doubt I used to know what to do…..run. I want to run. I want to run from the fear of living, from the fear of reality, from the fear in me. Second guessing my decisions, my motivations, my intentions.

Our move into a new place has been eliminated due to others in abilities and circumstances beyond my control. It all fell apart in a matter of a few short weeks. Bids weren’t accepted and resentments have set in, not only on my part but on my wife’s behalf as well. I see a growing divide in the very things that brought us here in the first place. My wife has become disheartened by the actions of some fo her family here and I sit and watch as events unfold. When I met David and Elz in Dallas they asked me about the move in more detail and surprisingly something came out that had been lurking just beneath the surface. I told them I felt that I owed it to my wife to raise her level of happiness due to the misery brought on to her from my using…..That I owed it to her to make her happy, and if moving her closer to her family would do that then so be it. The ultimate in people pleasing…..but is it really?

The kids are being kids. David has gained some weight and Lorna is running her last summer of irresponsibility into the ground. School starts here on August 18th and my daughter is a senior needing only 3 credits to graduate.

My mom turned 70 this past weekend and I miss her terribly. My oldest sister called, whom never calls, and told me my mother was upset that I wasn’t there for her surprise party…..

Bob….you need to come home and see mom.
Why?!?! Is there something wrong??
No, she isn’t sick…but she misses you and wants to see you. Can’t you come home?

I thought I was home…….
When in doubt….run?

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Comments on: "When In Doubt" (2)

  1. Elizabeth said:

    I dunno Bob. You may be overanalyzing things.

    You didn’t get a job before moving and discovered too late that you needed two jobs to make things work (which you are discovering is not going to work for the long term). Your wife was mistaken in thinking she would be fufilled by living nearer to her family. You wanted to give your wife a gift by supporting this decision, and I still don’t think you did anything wrong by doing that. You underestimated what effect it would have on you to move somewhere with no real NA. You both did the right thing by giving yourself well over a year to see if you can make it work. In the end it sounds like you should move somewhere else where the cost of living is lower and more jobs are avaialble for you and your wife and there are meetings.

    I don’t see that as running away. Staying somewhere that isn’t working would be foolish. I’m glad to hear from you but so sorry about the house falling through.

  2. Still here Bob. I’m glad to see you’re ok. Get to a meeting bro.

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