limit to what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit.’
Jack Goldman, Founder of Xerox PARC
‘Sometimes a blank TV is not such a bad thing to stare at.’
I hope you have all been well. I really can’t give you a full explanation as to why I stopped blogging. It was a combination of things, I suppose.
I felt as if though I was rambling, aimlessly, at the obvious and wasn’t in a place where I felt I had much left to offer. I guess first and foremost my blog had become as lifeless as I was becoming. Going thru the motions and not getting at the heart of what was or is going on. Not talking about how I really felt about things. Covering up emotions and using excuses like Kleenex’s.
I am still clean. How I have no clue. Well I do and I don’t. I give the credit to God and to my family whom have both put up with me infinitely. The Basic Text talks about how desire cannot be measured and I am grateful for that, because in reality, desire has really been the only thing I have been using.
I have a desire not to use. I believe that to be different than a desire to stay clean. I have not been to a meeting in several months, I have not read, nor written on steps. I have not done anything related to recovery in a while and surprisingly my behavior hasn’t changed. I credit this to a firm foundation in early recovery and the stark realization of I know what the consequences will be if I return to what brought me on this road to begin with.
I do not recommend this to anyone; in fact I don’t care for it much myself. I now know what the literature means when it talks about ‘apathy and procrastination being 2 of our seemingly inherent enemies’. I know that things will change, I know that what worked in one phase of recovery may not work in another, and to be honest I am tired of beating myself up over this issue. Right now in this moment in time of my life, I can’t create fate. I can’t ‘make things happen’. I can’t create time that isn’t there; I can’t manipulate others to make my schedule easier.
What I can do is get off my ass and do what I can; everything else will fall into place……
Since my last posts my wife and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I celebrated 6 years clean time and Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and went.
My daughter’s tirades have reduced to a minimum and she is working for Subway. My son continues his art and his winter campaign to ‘Kill Them All’ on MW3.
My wife and I are enjoying our relationship now more than ever. I am still working way too much. I am still at 2 jobs and hope this will change in April or May. We are more than likely going to have to file bankruptcy. I don’t want to but the figures in black and white don’t lie and I honestly can’t keep up this work life forever. My day starts at 5:30 am and I usually don’t get to sleep until 11 pm, 6 days a week. This may have something to do with why my recovery has been lacking but I knew that going into it.
I hope you all are well. I hope that your Holidays have been well filled with memories and laughter. This year mine have. I have enjoyed these holiday’s more than I have any other. For some, the cheer may not have been as anticipated. My words for you are that Everything is Temporary.