This word has come up in more than 1 conversation as of late. It has come from my wife, my mother-in-law, and myself. My wife told me the other night after a series of family events, that she, is miserable.
I looked at her and asked what she wanted to do.
I’ve done that now for the last 6 years.
Asked what she has wanted.
After we moved I made a confession here and to others in private that part of the reason I moved our family half-way across country was done partly out of guilt.
Guilt for what I had put my wife through while in active addiction. That I felt that I had owed it to her, to be near her family, to find some level of happiness for her that I simply hadn’t been providing.
She told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted, that doubt had begun to fill her mind. I simply blurted out…’We could go back to Ohio’.
She said that would kill her mother, if we left now.
I wanted to say……
It’s already killed me.
I should have.
I laid down that night in more pain than I have in a long time. Regret for things I didn’t say.
The next evening we had a talk. I asked my wife if she was still miserable….She said, ‘Not as much’.
I told her I couldn’t stand for her to be this upset. We then did something we hadn’t done before, we walked and talked through the series of events that led to our decision to move.
I don’t know if it made me feel any better, but if anything we talked about us. We talked about how we felt. We talked about the kids and our concerns. It’s funny when going over events how our perceptions can change or be revealed. I still harbor doubts, I still am holding onto some resentments, but I am still here.
My life has changed. I have changed. Some of it for the better and some of it not.
I am disappointed in myself these days. I am disappointed in our set of circumstances and the way we are treated by others here. We have family here that seemingly aren’t that concerned about us any longer, and I think that’s what hurts the most. To know I left behind my mom, my day, sisters and brothers to have other family members treat us like we were the gum off the bottom of their shoes is demoralizing. It is and has been spiritual paralyzing.
I try to find the bright spots, the positives in any given day but they are few and far between. I take comfort in the fact that I am still clean, my wife and I are closer than ever and my daughters graduation from High School is right around the corner.
We ordered her ring and her cap & gown this past weekend. We are waiting for her ACT scores to come back and she has mentioned going back to Ohio after graduation. I think this would be a good move for her. Employment opportunities here are very limited and I really don’t see her staying. I don’t want her to, it’s time for her to begin her life.
My son is doing fair. He is caught between 13 going on 14. Still wants to hang onto mom but be on his own a bit more. He struggles with school. His laugh is infectious. He is my rock.
I live day to day…moment to moment as we all do. I am humbled today. I am fearful.
I am still here.