Just Another Recovering Person

Archive for June, 2012

The Closet Close to Home….


Over the course of the past 2 weeks some things have come to my attention. The plans my daughter made in moving back to Ohio I don’t believe were any real plans at all. She isn’t staying who we thought she would be staying with. She has made no effort really to contact the person with whom she had a job lined up with, and she is staying now with a relative I would prefer her not to be around.

She also posted she is gay.

I have a ton of thoughts going through my mind. I find it hard to concentrate at any given time of the day. It’s not the gay part that bothers me, it’s more the fact that I really don’t believe it.

It’s not a denial disbelief, it’s I know my daughter. If you have read any of my posts you will be able to interpret that she truly is the child of an addict. She has her own set of issues to deal with that have nothing to do with using, as we addicts all do after the drugs have been removed.

I believe that she is searching. I believe she is trying to find herself. I am trying to understand the path she is taking and it is for her to discover, but I also know her ability to make consistently good decisions is nonexistent.

If this is truly what she wants, if this is truly what will make her happy than I will support her. I just feel at no time during the time she has been alive has there been one thing that would lead me or her mother to believe that this is her lifestyle choice. It has been a total surprise and shock to our family. I have racked my brain trying to get my mind around this one, but for me it is just another long twist in an ever strange and bumpy road with my daughter.

When she calls I continue to ask if she is ok. I ask if she is looking for work. or if she has been to see old friends and family. We constantly get…’I called so and so’ or ‘I will do it tomorrow’. My fear is that this relative she is staying with is caught up in some shady dealings including prescription fraud and welfare fraud. I am afraid she is going to get caught up in this nonsense and I have voiced my opinion to her only to have her tell me she knows what’s going on and isn’t a part of it.

I was looking through the local directory of meetings online and I see where the Wednesday Night meeting that I went to when I first arrived has been changed to a Text Discussion meeting. What stood out is that it is a 3rd Edition Text Meeting.
I know what has happened here. There is a fellow with substantial clean time in our area who is disenfranchised with the fellowship and has manipulated the group into this extension of his ego.
Some meetings have been cut and due to geography I have decided to switch fellowships and go to AA.

I talked about this at length after my arrival here and finding that meetings were virtually nonexistent and being manipulated by one or two people for their own benefit. I cannot be apart of this and I do not feel I can or should take on a struggle to change something, that in time, will extinguish itself. Our literature reminds me that the self-seekers will ‘Be on the outside looking in’.

I am going to talk to my wife about it this evening.

I hope this post finds you well.
Take Care,
Bob D.

 


This is a repost from the archives. It still holds true…Hope you enjoy.

Beyond The End of the Road's Blog

Ever wonder what it would be like to set of a series of events that would change people’s lives for the worse? I’ve done it……..

The question that never has an appropriate answer is ‘Why do bad things happen to good people’? How can we determine when something is good or bad? Some events will never have the full explanation that we would like. Our never-ending quest for the answer that makes full sense to us and validates events is like the search for a perfect day. It always changes based upon my perception of events.

I used to try to figure things out. I had to have the answers. Why is this happening? What would cause a person to think this is right or this is fair? How is it I am trying my best and things keep falling down around me? I no longer believe that events in…

View original post 399 more words

Forks in the Road


First and foremost…my demise has been greatly exaggerated.
 My apologies to you……

So much has transpired since my last post, the most important of it all is that I have not used. I have been clean for 6 years, 5 months, and 19 days. To be honest with you I have learned the true meaning of desire, it is a state of mind and body, not of willpower or determination.

I have learned acceptance on an entirely different level. I have learned that obsession and compulsion truly make up the core of our disease. I have learned that intolerance and projection is a reality killer for us all. Most of all…..I have learned to let go, and stay in the here and now.

My daughter has moved out.
She turned 18 on April 15th, graduated High School on May 14th, and moved out on May 30th.

She went back to Ohio. My wife and I had numerous talks at night in the dark. The ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ ran rampantly. My daughter was given an opportunity of a lifetime here by a business owner and passed it up. She received a few letters from colleges but not the one’s she was looking for. About 3 weeks before graduation she approached me and told me that she loved us but did not want to live here and asked if I would buy here a plane ticket back to Ohio. I told her yes……..

2 Weeks before graduation my daughter fell ill with Strep Throat. It was a bad enough case we ended up in the emergency room where she had a fever of 103. The week before graduation was spent on running back and forth to the school, handing money out, and trying to motivate her to do some basic things. It dawned on me that she had given up on us because things weren’t working out the way she wanted them too. I dealt with boys calling the house all hours of the night, her not coming home, and a weeklong senior trip to Panama City, Florida which involved the police. Long story short, I felt my control as a parent slip away, the little I had left anyway.

I knew that the best for all involved was for her to go and experience life. This became a point of contention between my with and I. My wife felt she wasn’t mature enough to handle it, I agreed, but I knew ultimately what was going to happen. She was going to leave one way or the other…..

Standing at the airport gate I felt lost. I felt small. I felt like the world and my HP were showing me something that it would take some time to understand……

Ultimately I only have power over myself and my perception of reality.

As I hugged her and cried as I am doing now, I wanted to change so many things that I can’t. I told her what I have told many of you in the past in posts and I don’t believe I ever told any of you this but it seems fitting now. It is something my Father said to me in a phone call that changed our relationship. He said, and I said to her……

For whatever I did or didn’t do, know that I Love You.

I told her to be safe and within a blink of the eye she was gone through the gate……

I told my wife last night that I missed her. I don’t miss the fighting, the drama, the pain, but I miss her. She has a lot to learn about being a person, and how to treat other people. She is currently staying with an Uncle and his girlfriend. I miss her voice….When I call sometimes she will answer and sometimes she won’t….that’s what hurts the most.

Today is my son’s 14th birthday and he is awesome. I have said before that he has been a rock through all of this and he has. My goal is to concentrate on him and help him to the best of my ability. It was at this point in my own life, at his age, that my father left, and I was lost. Now I can be here for him.

My wife continues to support me in all that I do and our relationship is strong. I will be returning to recovery meetings next week after a long absence. I could give a million reasons as to why I haven’t been going but the truth of the matter is I put it all on hold, good, bad, or indifferent. It was my decision and I have suffered for it. Not by returning to active addiction but by suffering in silence which someone told me a while ago I could do or I could choose to live. The person that told me that was an intake nurse at the treatment center I walked into on December 19th, 2005.

I will choose to live.

Take Care,
Bob D.