Forks in the Road

First and foremost…my demise has been greatly exaggerated.
 My apologies to you……

So much has transpired since my last post, the most important of it all is that I have not used. I have been clean for 6 years, 5 months, and 19 days. To be honest with you I have learned the true meaning of desire, it is a state of mind and body, not of willpower or determination.

I have learned acceptance on an entirely different level. I have learned that obsession and compulsion truly make up the core of our disease. I have learned that intolerance and projection is a reality killer for us all. Most of all…..I have learned to let go, and stay in the here and now.

My daughter has moved out.
She turned 18 on April 15^th, graduated High School on May 14^th, and moved out on May 30^th.

She went back to Ohio. My wife and I had numerous talks at night in the dark. The ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ ran rampantly. My daughter was given an opportunity of a lifetime here by a business owner and passed it up. She received a few letters from colleges but not the one’s she was looking for. About 3 weeks before graduation she approached me and told me that she loved us but did not want to live here and asked if I would buy here a plane ticket back to Ohio. I told her yes……..

2 Weeks before graduation my daughter fell ill with Strep Throat. It was a bad enough case we ended up in the emergency room where she had a fever of 103. The week before graduation was spent on running back and forth to the school, handing money out, and trying to motivate her to do some basic things. It dawned on me that she had given up on us because things weren’t working out the way she wanted them too. I dealt with boys calling the house all hours of the night, her not coming home, and a weeklong senior trip to Panama City, Florida which involved the police. Long story short, I felt my control as a parent slip away, the little I had left anyway.

I knew that the best for all involved was for her to go and experience life. This became a point of contention between my with and I. My wife felt she wasn’t mature enough to handle it, I agreed, but I knew ultimately what was going to happen. She was going to leave one way or the other…..

Standing at the airport gate I felt lost. I felt small. I felt like the world and my HP were showing me something that it would take some time to understand……

Ultimately I only have power over myself and my perception of reality.

As I hugged her and cried as I am doing now, I wanted to change so many things that I can’t. I told her what I have told many of you in the past in posts and I don’t believe I ever told any of you this but it seems fitting now. It is something my Father said to me in a phone call that changed our relationship. He said, and I said to her……

For whatever I did or didn’t do, know that I Love You.

I told her to be safe and within a blink of the eye she was gone through the gate……

I told my wife last night that I missed her. I don’t miss the fighting, the drama, the pain, but I miss her. She has a lot to learn about being a person, and how to treat other people. She is currently staying with an Uncle and his girlfriend. I miss her voice….When I call sometimes she will answer and sometimes she won’t….that’s what hurts the most.

Today is my son’s 14^th birthday and he is awesome. I have said before that he has been a rock through all of this and he has. My goal is to concentrate on him and help him to the best of my ability. It was at this point in my own life, at his age, that my father left, and I was lost. Now I can be here for him.

My wife continues to support me in all that I do and our relationship is strong. I will be returning to recovery meetings next week after a long absence. I could give a million reasons as to why I haven’t been going but the truth of the matter is I put it all on hold, good, bad, or indifferent. It was my decision and I have suffered for it. Not by returning to active addiction but by suffering in silence which someone told me a while ago I could do or I could choose to live. The person that told me that was an intake nurse at the treatment center I walked into on December 19^th, 2005.

I will choose to live.

Take Care,
Bob D.

Things I Didn’t Say…..

This word has come up in more than 1 conversation as of late. It has come from my wife, my mother-in-law, and myself. My wife told me the other night after a series of family events, that she, is miserable.

I looked at her and asked what she wanted to do.
I’ve done that now for the last 6 years.
Asked what she has wanted.

After we moved I made a confession here and to others in private that part of the reason I moved our family half-way across country was done partly out of guilt.
Guilt for what I had put my wife through while in active addiction. That I felt that I had owed it to her, to be near her family, to find some level of happiness for her that I simply hadn’t been providing.

She told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted, that doubt had begun to fill her mind. I simply blurted out…’We could go back to Ohio’.

She said that would kill her mother, if we left now.

I wanted to say……

It’s already killed me.

I didn’t.

I should have.

I laid down that night in more pain than I have in a long time. Regret for things I didn’t say.

The next evening we had a talk. I asked my wife if she was still miserable….She said, ‘Not as much’.
I told her I couldn’t stand for her to be this upset. We then did something we hadn’t done before, we walked and talked through the series of events that led to our decision to move.

I don’t know if it made me feel any better, but if anything we talked about us. We talked about how we felt. We talked about the kids and our concerns. It’s funny when going over events how our perceptions can change or be revealed. I still harbor doubts, I still am holding onto some resentments, but I am still here.

My life has changed. I have changed. Some of it for the better and some of it not.
I am disappointed in myself these days. I am disappointed in our set of circumstances and the way we are treated by others here. We have family here that seemingly aren’t that concerned about us any longer, and I think that’s what hurts the most. To know I left behind my mom, my day, sisters and brothers to have other family members treat us like we were the gum off the bottom of their shoes is demoralizing. It is and has been spiritual paralyzing.

I try to find the bright spots, the positives in any given day but they are few and far between. I take comfort in the fact that I am still clean, my wife and I are closer than ever and my daughters graduation from High School is right around the corner.

We ordered her ring and her cap & gown this past weekend. We are waiting for her ACT scores to come back and she has mentioned going back to Ohio after graduation. I think this would be a good move for her. Employment opportunities here are very limited and I really don’t see her staying. I don’t want her to, it’s time for her to begin her life.

My son is doing fair. He is caught between 13 going on 14. Still wants to hang onto mom but be on his own a bit more. He struggles with school. His laugh is infectious. He is my rock.

I live day to day…moment to moment as we all do. I am humbled today. I am fearful.

I am still here.
Take Care,
Bob D.

Ghosts of War

I was listening to NPR news after the story broke on the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marine Regiment urinating on dead fighters in Afghanistan and the reporter repeated a quote from a Taliban spokesperson saying that this was, “ Above and Beyond Inhumane Practices”.

I wonder what Nick Berg’s family would say to this.
What about Daniel Stern’s loved ones?

Should our soldiers act in a way that is above what we feel only others are capable of? Perhaps one of those dead fighters was responsible for the death of a comrade. If not on that day, maybe on some other day. Did we reduce ourselves to a level we reserve for others? Is the art of warfare been lost on some trophy hunters whom only revel in the glories of YouTube hits?

I can only offer this…
All is fair in love and war.

 

My schedule at my second job has been cutback significantly. I guess we are at that time of year after the glow of the holidays has faded that reality sets in and people have to pay for what they bought. I should be able to get to a couple of meetings.
I have mixed feelings now. Crazy as it sounds it has been so long since I have been to a meeting that I am nervous thinking about it and I have no idea why. Perhaps it is just my diseased thinking telling me that I don’t need meetings. That it’s been this long, what purpose would it suit to go back.
I feel like I am on the outside looking in all over again. Any words of experience on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Bob D.

There was something wrong with me…

I was watching TV the other night and an ad came on and caught my attention….

‘I was an addict for 10 years; I know what you’re going through. We don’t offer a 12 Step Program, but rather a cure for addiction’.
The ad then began to show windswept beaches, aroma therapy, acupuncture, and beautiful people in white robes. I didn’t quite catch the name of the place but I believe it is in California. A cure! A cure has been found? Why wasn’t I informed of this? Certainly it would have made the bottom ‘ticker’ on CNN. Wouldn’t have Oprah or Barbara Walters had a special report on this?

All jokes aside, a cure? Really?

There was something wrong with me, but now it’s fixed. I don’t ever have to worry about it again. I can go about my life never having to worry that I might kill myself or someone else in a drug induced stupor. I don’t ever have to worry about stealing, or lying, or cheating. It won’t ever cross my mind that a drink, pill, or fix doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea to help me in a situation. My loved ones won’t ever have to worry about my condition again….

Our literature talks about how we are given a ‘daily reprieve’. For me this is better than the terminology of ‘cure’.  There were certain medicines that were introduced into rehab a few years ago that were mislabeled as ‘cures’ for those addicted to opiates. Addicts found themselves with perhaps less cravings, but with the same behavior patterns. We talk constantly about changing the very things that brought us to the point of surrender, acceptance of ourselves, and our reality. I have no idea of how a cure can be offered to an ever changing dilemma….ourselves.

We have entered into a new year and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I continue to remain vigilant. My hopes and dreams remain the same. I know there are challenges ahead, joys and sorrows. This year will be a year of change for us as our daughter graduates high school. We have decisions to make both financially and personally. I am tired but well. I hope you are well too.

Talk to you soon.
Bob D.

Creating Fate

‘There’s no
limit to what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit.’
Jack Goldman, Founder of Xerox PARC

 

‘Sometimes a blank TV is not such a bad thing to stare at.’
My Dad

 

I hope you have all been well. I really can’t give you a full explanation as to why I stopped blogging. It was a combination of things, I suppose.
I felt as if though I was rambling, aimlessly, at the obvious and wasn’t in a place where I felt I had much left to offer. I guess first and foremost my blog had become as lifeless as I was becoming. Going thru the motions and not getting at the heart of what was or is going on. Not talking about how I really felt about things. Covering up emotions and using excuses like Kleenex’s.

I am still clean. How I have no clue. Well I do and I don’t. I give the credit to God and to my family whom have both put up with me infinitely. The Basic Text talks about how desire cannot be measured and I am grateful for that, because in reality, desire has really been the only thing I have been using.

I have a desire not to use. I believe that to be different than a desire to stay clean. I have not been to a meeting in several months, I have not read, nor written on steps. I have not done anything related to recovery in a while and surprisingly my behavior hasn’t changed. I credit this to a firm foundation in early recovery and the stark realization of I know what the consequences will be if I return to what brought me on this road to begin with.

I do not recommend this to anyone; in fact I don’t care for it much myself. I now know what the literature means when it talks about ‘apathy and procrastination being 2 of our seemingly inherent enemies’.  I know that things will change, I know that what worked in one phase of recovery may not work in another, and to be honest I am tired of beating myself up over this issue. Right now in this moment in time of my life, I can’t create fate. I can’t ‘make things happen’. I can’t create time that isn’t there; I can’t manipulate others to make my schedule easier.
What I can do is get off my ass and do what I can; everything else will fall into place……

Since my last posts my wife and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary. I celebrated 6 years clean time and Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and went.
My daughter’s tirades have reduced to a minimum and she is working for Subway. My son continues his art and his winter campaign to ‘Kill Them All’ on MW3.
My wife and I are enjoying our relationship now more than ever. I am still working way too much. I am still at 2 jobs and hope this will change in April or May. We are more than likely going to have to file bankruptcy. I don’t want to but the figures in black and white don’t lie and I honestly can’t keep up this work life forever. My day starts at 5:30 am and I usually don’t get to sleep until 11 pm, 6 days a week. This may have something to do with why my recovery has been lacking but I knew that going into it.

I hope you all are well. I hope that your Holidays have been well filled with memories and laughter. This year mine have. I have enjoyed these holiday’s more than I have any other. For some, the cheer may not have been as anticipated. My words for you are that Everything is Temporary.

Take Care,
Bob D

I will be returning…..

Despite rumors to the contrary…my demise has been greatly exaggerated.

I took an impromptu, lengthy break from blogging and will be back after the 1st of the year to refocus on what brought me here to begin with.

Recovery.

I am still clean (6 Yr anniversary was on December 19th) and a lot has happened since I last posted. I will fill you all in. I have some great new stuff coming and some revisits to some older material with new thoughts on it.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Bob D.

Shadows and Light

The past couple of nights I have been restless…unable to sleep, or at least fall into a deep sleep….So I get out of bed and walk….

I walk through the house to the back door and switch on the back porch light. For a brief moment I see it…a shadow moving across the lawn…just for a moment I see the silhouette of a figure…not of an animal. My throat closes thight…My breathing becomes labored…my heart races…as if death has crossed my door and brushed by my side again. I am frightened…literally scared to death to open the door, but I do, and the shadow is gone.

It has happened 2 nights in the last week and I believe it to be a sign. Afterall, there are those who believe to be comforted, and others who are comforted to believe…….

The above is true. I believe it to be a sign from my Higher Power. Trying to reach me, trying to talk to me. Telling me I am heading down a dangerous path from which there is no coming back from. I can continue to use excuses, I can try to justify my rationale and at the end of the day I will be left with nothing more than I put into it.
I have to get back on my program. I can’t sit here anymore and try to counsel myself. Be it AA, NA, or a combination of both I can’t do this by myself on willpower, exhaustion, and willpower. The truth be told I have been operating on willpower way too long, like it’s a contest to test my own resolve, my own desire and I am at my breaking point. I know it will only be a matter of time before I use if I don’t do something.

I have to work today until 10pm so I will find a meeting to go to tomorrow night. I have to, I have to find a schedule, a balance, and re-learn what I have already forgotten. The NA Text reminds me that ‘I must use what I have or lose it’. I have lost some things already…I’ve lost my passion.

When there are shadows present in life there must be light to cast the shadow. I have to find my way back to the light…The shadows are too scary today.

Take Care,
Bob D.

When In Doubt

It’s been a while hasn’t it……..

“Life isn’t fair……A fair is something that comes to town, takes your money, and then leaves….”

Posting, writing, and most other parts of my schedule have been put on hiatus as of late as you can tell. My life seems to revolve around 2 things anymore….Work and more work. All else has fallen into the category of “It will have to wait”. I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all.
Apathy and Procrastination are like twin brothers that walk side by side with me. I also know that they are my 2 worst enemies, because I know me.

My old sponsor from Columbus has been emailing me, calling me, wanting to talk and I haven’t called him back. It’s not because I have used, it’s because of the guilt of not having been doing anything but not using. I haven’t been to a meeting in months, I haven’t read, wrote on a step, been of service, or done 1 thing I was taught over the course of my recovery…..

I haven’t done shit.
Why?

I’m sitting in the Business Center of a hotel in Boston, MA trying to figure it out. Trying to reason with my own excuses and they are sounding exactly as that…excuses. I have no clue as to what I am doing, who I am, or where I am headed. I don’t feel like using, but that is the most difficult part…..feeling. I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I know that perception is reality and right now reality doesn’t seem real at all if that makes sense.

When in doubt I used to know what to do…..run. I want to run. I want to run from the fear of living, from the fear of reality, from the fear in me. Second guessing my decisions, my motivations, my intentions.

Our move into a new place has been eliminated due to others in abilities and circumstances beyond my control. It all fell apart in a matter of a few short weeks. Bids weren’t accepted and resentments have set in, not only on my part but on my wife’s behalf as well. I see a growing divide in the very things that brought us here in the first place. My wife has become disheartened by the actions of some fo her family here and I sit and watch as events unfold. When I met David and Elz in Dallas they asked me about the move in more detail and surprisingly something came out that had been lurking just beneath the surface. I told them I felt that I owed it to my wife to raise her level of happiness due to the misery brought on to her from my using…..That I owed it to her to make her happy, and if moving her closer to her family would do that then so be it. The ultimate in people pleasing…..but is it really?

The kids are being kids. David has gained some weight and Lorna is running her last summer of irresponsibility into the ground. School starts here on August 18th and my daughter is a senior needing only 3 credits to graduate.

My mom turned 70 this past weekend and I miss her terribly. My oldest sister called, whom never calls, and told me my mother was upset that I wasn’t there for her surprise party…..

Bob….you need to come home and see mom.
Why?!?! Is there something wrong??
No, she isn’t sick…but she misses you and wants to see you. Can’t you come home?

I thought I was home…….
When in doubt….run?

Tamalaes, Plantains, and Friends

As I sit in in the hotel and wonder about home there are some things that bring me comfort………

I remember several years ago watching a YouTube video of The Millineum Falcon flying over San Francisco Bay and I thought to myself…Nothing on the Internet is real anymore. That was until I watched the Nick Berg beheading on an extremist website and vomited in the trashcan beside my desk. The advent of Social media, MySpace, Facebook, WordPress, and thousands of others like it have literally sparked a revolution in the way we communicate, do business, and live. But there is nothing that compares to sitting down with someone over a good meal and communicating joys, sorrows, hopes, and dreams which is exactly what I was able to do last night with Elizabeth and David, two people whom I met over the internet.

I first ‘met’ Elizabeth on MySpace some 5 years ago. I was posting random blogs of early, nonsensical recovery when I stumbled across her page. Fo some crazy reason we subscribed to each others pages and the rest is the stuff that Internet Viral lore is made of. The real truth is we were sounding boards for each others joy and insanity. She tested my way of thinking in a way others hadn’t. Most would either blatantly disagree or agree with equal helpings of patronization, but not Elz, as I have come to call her.

I had an opportunity to travel to the Dallas area this week on business and was fortunate enough to be able to sit down face to face with her and her husband. The craziest thing was I was nervous before going into the restaurant. I haven’t the slightest clue why, after all, I really have left nothing out of my posts that I wouldn’t or haven’t shared with others in my life. We met at a great place named Gloria’s which I highly recomend if you are in the Addison area.

After finally meeting David and Elizabeth I am more convinced now than ever that the path to recovery, in any form, is communication from the heart. I blogged once that Stephen Hawking reminded us that the only difference between us and other animals is our ability to talk. I would go one step further, it is that wordless language that we speak of in recovery called empathy. It’s funny, I did really have to say a word and felt like I was understood rather than trying to make people understand. In reality, that’s what I crave, not the ego driven attention of days of old, but rather to feel comforted by the company I keep. We talked about that, about wanting a sense of comfort in our lives, and knowing that life in itself is a series of events that can take me or place me in that comfort zone based upon my perception of reality and feeling based impulses.

To David and Elizabeth……
Thanks so much for taking the time to finally meet the guy behind the keyboard and a few random photos. I enjoyed our time together and will cherish it until the next time.

Things at home are tiresome. My daughter felt it necessary to cause problems on Fathers Day. My wife told her that she needed to leave to defuse a situation. My daughter feels like she has been thrown out, so packed a bag and left for the night. She returned home yesterday (Monday) for a shorth time only to leave again and hasn’t called.

I no longer bear the guilt of this situation. I am free of it. My wife is having a difficult time with it. I told her….In spite of what anyone else thinks or says about the situation…The only person I lay down with at night…is me. I know what the truth is and isn’t. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks because they aren’t living my life.

The training that I am on for business is long and boring. Boredom leads to mischief, as is evident with a Hotel Bar full of people. I watch and listen as drinks are poured and money is spent in the hundreds and I hear the call of the keyboard one more time so that I can communicate………….

Take Care,
Bob D.

Crimes Against Humanity

‘We are in a war, a shooting war. Consider yourselves all dead men and stop worrying about your lives, once you do that it will be easier for you to accept it’.

Gregory Peck
12 O’Clock High

 

Making sense of life or the events of life can be an all-consuming task. I never really understood what life was until I watched someone die. On a cold, rainy February day I watched my wife’s father succumb to cancer and helped the county coroner remove him from his home where hospice had been providing care. To watch someone draw their last breath is almost like watching a baby take their first. It is labored, forced, and in a strange way surreal.

The recent arrest of Ratko Mladic for crimes against humanity during the 1990’s made me wonder how it is that a man can commit atrocities and hide in plain sight for 16 years?

He strolled thru the streets of Tutsis and passed out candy to children and consoled the elderly promising safety for all. The Dutch Army Commander shared a toast of brandy as women were loaded on buses to be beaten and raped once out of sight. 8,000 men and boys were led to mass graves where they were tied and shot. Not since Adolph Hitler had Europe endured what happened.

The US sent a high altitude spy plane to take photos of the area. The only report given was ‘There are freshly plowed fields on the outskirts of town’. These were not crop fields…….but rather killing fields.
The US seemed not inclined to become involved…perhaps we had no vested interest in the area…perhaps the same reasons we never became involved with Rwanda.

 

It looks as if we will be moving in late June or early July. We are staying here just getting the bigger place I had mentioned before. Everyone is excited. We have lived in this smaller place for too long.

Summer is here and the kids are out of school. Surprisingly all is calm. I feared the worse but my daughter has friends here now and seems to be off and running daily. My son is doing the same. He will be 13 next month and time is passing me by once again.

Most days I am tired. I am still working 2 jobs but we are getting caught up. Moving into this bigger place is the light at the end of the tunnel. It is the goal I need to be motivated. Sometimes it just feels like I am spinning my wheels endlessly. I shared this with my wife and told her my frustration. She understood and assured me that things are getting better whether I see it or not.

My new position is going well. I feel like I am learning instead of filling in and treading water. My boss seems happy and my clients are ok with me.

I am currently not going to meetings. I just don’t see the point in involving myself with NA here. It is a point of frustration and confusion. I haven’t went to any AA meetings either. The funny thing is I just don’t think about them. Between work and home I don’t have time for much else. If I am lucky I have 1 night a week to come home and have off. There are days, like yesterday, I thought about beer. I haven’t thought about beer in a long time, but it was just a thought.

I still have a personal program I work. I still read when I can. Most of my support group in Columbus has stopped calling. It is time for them and I to move on in the next chapter of our lives. I am not sure what the future holds for me and 12 Step meetings but I am ok today. I know at some point I will return and be just as involved as I once was, but I also know that the whole idea of recovery is for me to be a responsible, productive member of society. I know that I cannot live and enjoy life without the use of drugs if all of my time is spent in meetings and committees. I remember the guilt I felt for not being available to do the very things I was supposed to early on. I put in the work to get this point of freedom in my life and I haven’t forgotten that. I still am grateful, I still am the same Bob, but yet a different Bob.

Today…I understand rather than needing to be understood.

I am still planning on being in Dallas the week of June 20th Elz. I will call you as the time gets closer.

I hope this post finds you all well.
Take Care,
Bob D.