Just Another Recovering Person

Posts tagged ‘Addiction’

Comings & Goings


I will be 45 this year. I have witnessed a few things come and go. Fashions, trends in music, styles of cars, genres of pop culture. I think it was in ‘Return of the Jedi’ when Yoda told Luke Skywalker: ‘Hard to see the future, always in motion it is’.
The past can be that way as well. Time has a strange way of either making us anticipate things to come, or fade the pain of events gone by.
A couple of days ago a person sent me a ‘Friend’ request on Facebook. When I saw the person and the request my initial reaction was, ‘Why in the hell is this person contacting me after 27 years’?
The last time I saw this person we were selling dope out of a hotel room in Ohio. A paranoid 2 week run of dope, guns, & girls. It ended badly. One guy disappeared, one guy went to jail, & I would run 60 miles to get out of that town before all hell broke loose.
I looked at his picture. He had 3 girls standing with him, this time in a family portrait. He looked old, unassuming, and had gained weight.
As legendary or exciting I can make an old story seem we have all been through it. There are people I no longer associate with whether in life or social media. I moved to a new state 3 years ago and one of the freeing things is that it is highly unlikely I will run into an old acquaintance. Does this give me an excuse not to make amends? Certainly not. Did I make amends to the person who sent me the request? No.
The reason is I choose whom is in my life today, and to be honest I wasn’t willing to let this person back in my life. It would cause more harm than good,. See I have that power in my life today, the power of choice.

Take Care,
Bob D.

I am Free


It’s been a long time. I was sitting here at the house, unwinding after another long day and thought I haven’t written in an extremely long time.
I’m not sure if anyone still reads this link or not. When I first started writing I said I would do it first and foremost for myself, and if anyone else got something out of it, so be it.
My life changes daily, not the circumstances of my life, but my perception of life and myself. I can’t be trapped in leftover feelings of yesterday nor the anxieties of tomorrow, it suits no purpose.
Today is all I have, it’s all I’ve ever had, and that can be freeing or condemning based on my perceptions.
A friend told me long ago that perception is reality. That has never left me. The building blocks of recovery are based on my willingness to open my mind, my spirit, and my willingness to recognize the reality of my addiction and what I am willing to do about it.
This does not change no matter how long I stay clean.
Today is one of those days that I find myself pondering, contemplating my life, my existence, my successes, my failures…
I can beat myself up for my shortcomings, my lack of willingness, anything I choose to but the bottom line is that I AM CLEAN. I did not use, I have not used for 7 years, 2 months, and 11 days.
I have clarity of thought, freedom of choice, and a level of sanity has been restored in my life.
I have the ability to love and be loved.
I have been set free. For all the bitching I can do, all that I may think is wrong, for all the emotional fucked up mess I think I can be……

I am ok.
I am worthy.
I am free.

Take Care,
Bob D.

Short


It’s been awhile since my last post. Thanks to God I have not used.

Life is upside down right now and has been for some time. I am going to post a lengthy entry this weekend, but wanted to let you know that I am allright and so is my family.

I will talk to you soon.
Bob D.

The Doormat for Resentment


I was listening to NPR this week and heard a story about Suboxone and was going to post the link here but I stumbled across something else on NPR.org/health section that caught my eye. This is a quote from the article.

 

From small towns to big cities, prescription painkiller abuse is a growing problem. The number of drug poisoning deaths in the U.S. tripled between 1999 and 2008. Drugmakers tried to curb the burgeoning addiction, such as coming up with a new recipe for the popular and widely abused OxyContin in 2010 that makes it harder to crush and snort.

 

But the move prompted some users to search for other prescription painkillers, and many have found their replacement in a drug called Opana.

“I’ve seen the mother and the father go to the doctor. It’s a big day; it’s like a festival,” says Stevens. “Everybody’s over at the house, waiting on them to get back from the doctor and the pharmacy. They come in with their four or five different narcotics. Nothing wrong with them at all physically, and those narcotics are gone within 30 minutes.”

The problem is that Opana, which was approved by the FDA in 2006 for chronic pain prescriptions, is so potent. In Scott County, Ind., 31 people have died since last year because of Opana overdoses.

Opana’s maker, Endo Pharmaceuticals, has tried to halt the trend by following in the steps of OxyContin’s manufacturer, Purdue Pharma, and releasing a reformulated, harder-to-abuse pill earlier this year. It’s difficult now to find one of the original pills in Scott County pharmacies.

The reason it caught my eye as well as the article on Suboxone was the manufacturer. I had no idea that Beckitt Pharmaceuticals developed suboxone with money from the Federal Government. I have been long opposed to Suboxone for the simple fact is has been marketed as a ‘Miracle’ solution to prescription pill abuse and is simply nothing more than an updated version of the failed methadone program of the 1970’s. People in desperation are sold misinformation about the treatment and success rate of Suboxone as it is a temporary solution to a long term problem.

My wife and I received some text messages from our daughter last night who continues to move around with the traveling circus that is her Uncle’s life. I am frustrated to the point of anger that she is staying with him and his loser girlfriend. I wanted so much more for her but she is blinded by immaturity and youth as he can do no wrong. That living the way they do is cool and as long as she is comfortable with it nothing will change.

Expectation is the doormat for resentment. Most of the difficulties I struggle with today are based in expectations and intolerence. All I can do is try to be realistic about people, about situations and realize that I am not in charge of what other people do or say. I can only try and maintain a balance in my life of realistic perception of reality and myself.

I still have yet to ask someone to sponsor me in this area, with over 6 1/2 years of being clean I am still being stubborn! I have my eye one one fellow whom makes a lot of sense when he speaks. His name is Ken and I feel he may be a good fit for me. It’s just getting up the damn courage to do it. I know in the long run I need it and plan on asking him the next time I see him, hopefuly on Tuesday.

I hope this post finds you well.
Take Care,

Bob D.

Claw Marks


‘Secrets aren’t free Peter, they all have a cost’.
Aunt May from The Amazing Spider-Man

I turned 44 on Saturday and had a wonderful day with friends and family. Part of the freedom I experience today is the ability to be myself, the ability to be with the people I want to be with and be myself.
Addicts tend to live secret lives. They wear masks for different occasions, for different people. I don’t have to do that today, I am free to be myself.

I spoke to my mother and father on the phone. My mom cried. She told me she misses me since we moved, and I miss her. I haven’t seen her in 2 years. This is the longest I have not been able to see her since birth. It pains me to hear her cry. I need to make every effort to get back to Ohio to see her. The problem is the same as it is for most…Time and Money. I need to quit talking about plans to visit and just make the plans.

My daughter called on Friday telling us that her Uncle is being evicted from where he is staying. She moved in with him and like 7 other people, whom none hold down a job, and are involved in bullshit. When I found out about this originally I told her that this situation was not going to last, her staying with them that is. I asked her to find another way and she has chosen not to. She called asking for money. She said they were leaving there and going to Zanesville. I told her that I thought this was a bad idea, that her Uncle had her a job lined up at a car dealership and would help her to get a vehicle and she turned her nose up at it because she is doing what she wants to do not what she needs to do. This whole situation has become frustrating to the point that letting go is putting claw marks on it. Between the revelation that she is gay, that everything we asked her to do she has done the opposite, and this idea that somehow her life is ‘better’ because she is making decisions based on the influence of her burned out Uncle and his trash girlfriend is mind blowing. I’ve ranted enough.

Letting go is difficult especially when we want to control a situation, a person. I can’t make the decisions for her. I told her on the phone that this situation was not the first time or the last time her Uncle and these other folks had been through this. That she was moving further away from herself and her goals. I got, ‘Ok Dad’ and ‘I hear you Dad’, which means she is not hearing me. Sometimes life HAS to be the teacher.

I continue to go to AA meetings and feel better about my perspective on things. I am currently in Atlanta on business and when I get back I am making a serious effort to ask 1 of 3 guys to sponsor me. I have been looking and listening and have it narrowed down.

Work has been a pain in the ass. We have been extremely busy and short handed.

My wife and son are good and I continue on the path before me.
I hope this post finds you well.

Bob D.


This post is from July 2009…I hope you may get something out of it. Thanks for reading.

Beyond The End of the Road's Blog

Jails, Institutions, and Death.
At some meetings it is repeated as it is read. I prefer not to. Hearing it reverberate in my own head is enough.

It’s at the end of the reading “Who is an Addict?”. I am sure these 3 words are not unfamiliar with any 12 Step fellowship in one form or another. There are other words scattered through out as well…

Dereliction
Degradation
Demoralization
Unemployable
Insanity
Guilt
Shame
Relapse

I am also reminded that a relapse, if we survive it, might bring the temporary relief we are looking for. There is no guarantee even in relapse. The temporary relief that it might bring. That seems to me to be a pretty big gamble.
I have known a few addicts who are in and out, in and out, in and out.
I understand that this may be a part of someones story and for those who…

View original post 561 more words

Like a Pillow and Blanket


Returning to meetings has been awkward. The first one I went back to a few weeks ago felt like I was walking into the rooms for the 1st time. I received smiles and welcomes and at the passing out of chips there was a long pause when ‘Surrender’ chips were offered. Glances in my direction as this ‘new fellow’ has come into the AA fold. I sat with nerves, strange nerves, as if I felt the need to explain myself, and I would just not at this moment.

It never ceases to amaze me how when I need to hear something it has always been presented in some form or fashion. When I walked in I needed to hear something that let me know that all of the negatives I had been stacking up in my mind as to why I should return to meetings were nothing more than my diseased thinking leading me further away from the very ideals, the very principles that helped save my life.

I heard folks talking in a clear and concise manner about the steps, about sponsorship, about experience, about life. I didn’t hear about ‘Drug Court’, and resentments about WSC or how, ‘The fellowship isn’t the same when I first came in’. It never ceases to amaze me to this day how we are reminded that we recover in the here and now…Day to day, moment to moment, and yet we live and feed off of the resentments of the past. Resentments founded in our very own recovery, our own Fellowships.

After the readings were done we went around the room with introductions. The floor was then open for discussion…. I could not wait any longer……

My name is Bob and I’m an alcoholic. I was told when I first came into recovery that if I went to a meeting other than NA, I should respect the house I was in.
It’s been almost a year since I have been to a meeting. It’s not that I have drank or used anything, it’s more that I felt disconnected from recovery after moving here and I just simply told myself each day that I was doing ok. In truth, I felt like I was losing my mind these last few months….So much has transpired over the last 2 years…..

And so I told them what was going on. Who I was, where I had been, and more importantly where I was at today. People listened; nodding their heads and making me feel welcome. I described how my mind is able to convince me of almost anything. The justifications I had been using, the behaviors that were becoming more prevalent, and lastly the loneliness and isolation were killing me.

Some people commented and I found I wasn’t alone. I was told of a man from the area that sober/clean decided that it was a good idea to jump off the Vicksburg Bridge in Mississippi because he was unable to come to grips with the realities of life sober without meetings. This may sound like a stretch but I remember my NA sponsor’s-sponsor telling stories of people who were in recovery for many years that simply just stopped coming to meetings. That they didn’t use, but they just faded into the woodwork of denial and behavior that led them to the rooms to start with.

 

I truly believe that using whatever substance is merely a symptom of the disease of addiction. That the behaviors, the feelings, the perceptions of self and reality were there long before the 1st drug was ever picked up. The mind is truly an amazing, complex thing. Our abilities to reason and evaluate are somehow not in alignment with what reality it is. The obsession or, ‘That fixed idea that takes us back time and time again to our drug of choice, or some substitute to try and recapture that ease and comfort we once knew’. That ease and comfort is our pillow and blanket from reality and self.

After the meeting people came up to me and told me they were glad I was there and had decided to come back. That they needed to hear what I had said as much as me needing to say it. I am currently going to 2 meetings a week and feel much better about things. My next step is to find a new sponsor which I am dreading to be honest. I have so much respect and love for my old sponsor I am afraid I will allow the comparison game to get in the way.

Our house has been quite and we have heard from our daughter sporadically. I worry quietly and try not to alarm my wife. I miss our daughter but I don’t miss the chaos and drama that comes with her. Our lives move forward in spite of her decisions. We have come to find out she told several people here different versions of how and why she decided to leave, none of which are important because I know what the truth is. I tried calling her today and got no answer. I sure would like to hear her voice…..

Take Care
Bob D.