An Open Letter….
I’ve done this before. Said I was wrong, said I was sorry. I’ve done the best I can for 4 years. I tried to make amends to you a while back in the kitchen. Talked, cried, tried to explain my behavior. Perhaps you were too young, perhaps I didn’t do it in the way you expected, maybe the timing wasn’t right. I offered to continue to do the best I could today, because it is all I really have. I’ve tried to not make up for lost time, but share a better quality of time with you in the here and now.
There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t deal with some type of guilt. Something I should have said, or something I shouldn’t have said. Things I did or left undone. There are nights it plays like a movie in my head and the guilt is overwhelming. It is paralyzing. I ask God to let me sleep and it doesn’t come. I sleepwalk through my past and watch the present slip further and further out of my grasp.
I talk to my sponsor, my HP, and I am reminded there are some amends that can never fully be made. This maybe one of them. Maybe there is just too much damage done. Maybe this is one of the consequences I was meant to have, I just wished God would let me have a pass on this one. I can handle a lot, but this, this one I took for granted. I took for granted that you would forgive me at some point and move forward, but you haven’t.
I know I must find a way to deal with the guilt, or it will consume me. I have faith that God will carry me when I can’t carry myself. He carried me back to you and all I can do is let you know that I was wrong for letting you down, that I should have been there. I will continue to be there for you today, as long as you let me, or want me to be……